March 3, 2012

Yaba Daba Double Lung Transplant


I came across this old commercial and it blows my mind. This actually aired on television, and that’s just absolutely insane to me. To think there was once a time when this was not only socially acceptable, but it was the norm. Today this would never be allowed to happen, with all the knowledge we now possess and the much higher standard that we’ve set for ourselves and our children as a society. In this day and age, there would be a flood of angry phone calls and e-mails, and boycotts of ABC. And rightfully so…..

I mean, The Flintstones should always be in fucking color!

Posted by on March 3, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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March 1, 2012

Hey, Let’s All Put Our Shit In A Box And Bury It!

Bicentennial time capsules kick your time capsules faces asses!!

Have you ever participated in a time capsule?… Sure you have….

In my lifetime I remember participating in at least three time capsules. Once during first grade (1976 Bicentennial time capsule), once during junior high (or middle school as it is called nowadays….silly nowadays) and once at a summer camp (that I did not get diddled at, as far as you know).

But I have never attended the opening of a time capsule that I had actually put something into.. I would have liked to. Hell, I would have LOVED to. But it never happened. . . Alas, time passes and you live your life, and the things that were once of the utmost importance to a young boy eventually become merely a hazy memory to a grown man.

But the thing that bums me out is that I never even received an invitation to any of the unearthings. To be fair, I have moved numerous times since my childhood, and I think the USPS only forwards mail for like a year or so. But it’s still disappointing. They could have found me. They could have tried harder. They could have hired a private dick , or something.

Or maybe I just didn’t write down the correct unveiling date in my Trapper Keeper notebook. If so, shame on me. Of course I haven’t had a Trapper Keeper in 30 years, so maybe I did write down the correct date but carelessly disposed of it during one of those crazy last day of school Field Days. All hopped up on Kool-Aid, Pop-Rocks, and crystal meth, throwing textbooks and flashcards around the halls, and shaking my sweet, sweet, ass like a little fucking punk who thinks he ain’t gonna get his, but he’s gonna get his,oh yes he is… Or at least that’s what the school janitor said.

I’d like to find out about them, but I can’t just swing by my old school. Nowadays, a 41-year-old man with no children gets seriously eye-fucked by the establishment when he’s found wandering around an elementary school, muttering to himself about his “long-lost buried treasure”. Not like in the good old days where that same 41-year-old man could have walked into a school on Monday morning and taken kids out for ice cream and tickle fights in his van. As long as they were back by Friday all was cool, man. Good times… But I’d like to find out about the fantastic celebration that happened when the hermetically sealed capsule was opened , and its strange contents from a bygone era were revealed. I would like to imagine all the children put their shiny iPhones, iPods, and iJet-packs down, and stared in wild-eyed wonder at my priceless antiquities. Sometimes I try to remember exactly what I put into these time capsules. I’m pretty sure it was something awesome like:

  1. Freshen Up.
  2.  Coleco Electronic Quarterback.
  3. TV Guide from November 27th, 1976 with Starsky and Hutch on the cover.
  4. All that hard physical evidence I had gathered that proved indisputably that Bigfoot exists. Maybe I knew society wasn’t ready for it, so I tucked it away for safekeeping. That sounds like something I’d do.

    Frank Costanza would kill for this

  5. One of Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstoppers,simply to test Wonka’s “Theory of Everlastingnessness”. That dude was fuckin’ shitcrackers.

The truth is I don’t remember what I included in these time capsules. But everyday that goes by, my chances of finding out diminish just a little bit more. Until one day, sadly, I’ll die and be put in a time capsule of my own where I shall remain unopened forever.

I’m just fucking with you guys…. I’m getting cremated.

Posted by on March 1, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 29, 2012

Bills Belovedly Blasphemous & Blatantly Bogus Biblical Blatherings

Attention Dear Reader: I am not a religious person. If you are, so be it. More power to you. But this particular post might not be your cup of tea, or chalice of the blood of christ, if you will… You won’t? That’s okay. If you want too leave now I shall take no umbrage, nor harbor any grudges. If you should choose to remain and read on, which I hope you will, I shall ask that you do likewise. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation…

I was raised catholic, but luckily I escaped at a young age. My mother died when I was eleven (Hold on,that’s not the lucky part) and my father started drinking a lot(still not the lucky part) suddenly we didn’t have to go to church anymore(there it is).  Anyways, I think I avoided most of the psychological damage that a burgeoning boy-brain endures whence being constantly reminded that he murdered Jesus Christ by masturbating.  A full one thousand, nine-hundred, and eighty some odd years AFTER Jesus died. Even though I always thoroughly wash my hands with holy water when I finish? Yes, even though that. So whilst I am no longer a sheep in the flock, there are some things that I fondly misremember to this day. I, of course, am talking about my favorite forgotten bible verses. The Bible covers a wide array of topics, but most of them come back to a central theme. ” Chiggidy-check yourself, before you wriggidy-wreck yourself.” I’m paraphrasing, of course. I shall also be paraphrasing these succulent biblical nuggets as well, since I’ve never actually read the book. But I have seen Monty Pythons “The Life of Brian” a shit ton of times, so same diff..

  1. “Letteth me explain to him in simple arithmetic. Oneth, twoeth, three-eth! Becauseth you don’t fuckin’ getteth it, Burt! You giveth us the tapes. We getteth the record contract. We cometh back and giveth you your fuckin’ money. Haveth you heardeth the tapes? Haveth you even heardeth them? We’re guaranteedeth a record deal. Our stuffeth is that good!”- from The Book of Diggler, A Letter from Dirk to Burt. In regards to the original master recordings of O’ Little Town of Bethlehem.
  2. Giveth me a soft subtle mix, and iffeth ain’t broketh then don’t tryeth to fix it, (don’t tryeth to fix it)- from The Book of Bel Air, Letters from the Fresh Prince to the Apostle Jazzy Jeff, discussing the musical arrangement for the Feast of the Summer Solstice.
  3. “Now, I’m gonna openeth my fly and you’re gonna swalloweth what I giveth ya to swalloweth. And after you swalloweth mine you’re gonna swalloweth Rooster’s cause ya done broketh his nose and I thinketh he oughta haveth something to showeth for it.”- from The Book of Shawshank, A Postcard from the False Prophet Boggs, in regards to he and his disciple Rooster’s insatiable quest for love and dude head.
  4. “I want to fucketh you like an animal, I want to feeleth you from the inside, I want to fucketh you like an animal, my wholeth existence is flawed, you getteth me closer to God”-From The Book Of Noah, Letters to Reznor, pertaining to the Mission Statements of Noahs Ark, AKA, Admiral Drunky McStumblefucks Floating Fuck Zoo.

This is the word of The Bill.

Posted by on February 29, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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February 28, 2012

Bills Bleepin’ Leap Day Rant

Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November;
All the rest have thirty-one,
Save February, with twenty-eight days clear,
And twenty-nine each leap year.-
The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.

That isn’t really the first amendment, I believe that one deals with keeping Whites and Coloreds at separate toilets. (Sorry, I just watched The Help last night, and I currently hate white people. But I’m white people, so I’ll get over it…. It’s what we do.) I think Leap Year might actually be like the fifth or sixth amendment, thereabouts. I really wish someone had written that shit down for reference purposes. But I don’t care for Leap Day, or Leap Year for that matter, for one overwhelming reason… It’s February, and February is fucking cold. Are you telling me this great nation can’t pull it’s collective shit together and tack an extra fucking day on at the end of September, April, June or November? I personally would vote for either June or September, but would pleasantly accept any of them. Also, I wouldn’t be opposed to 32 days in one of the other numerous beautiful months. But February? No, thank you. February can go fuck itself in its cold frigid ass.

Posted by on February 28, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , .

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February 27, 2012

Further Phrases That Bucking Fug Me

After the wildly succesful response to the pilot episode of “Phrases That Bucking Fug Me“, which quite frankly was extremely exhausting both emotionally as well as sexually, I am excited to announce that it has been picked up as a summer replacement series. So while the gang over at “The Real Housewives of Idontgiveafuck” catch up on some much-needed touch up work on their faces, necks and souls, I bring to you…drumroll please…What do you mean we don’t have any drums? You’re on a computer, just download a drumroll!…. You don’t have to yell at me in front of the tens of people reading this. Can we please talk about this later?….Yes we can, and we will. We most certainly will. And don’t worry, I won’t hit you, me….. And Now…. Further Phrases That Bucking Fug Me.

YOU CAN’T MAKE AN OMELETTE WITHOUT BREAKING SOME EGGS- This is obviously true, but it’s also true that you can’t make scrambled eggs without first fucking up a perfectly good omelette. Now listen, I enjoy a good omelette. But I can’t make one. So unless I have a trained culinary craftsman, or the kid at IHOP preparing said omelette for me, I’m just having scrambled eggs anyways. Every single time. Which is okay with me, ’cause I loves me some scrambled eggs.

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU- I understand the sentiment of this and I agree with it. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. But here’s the thing. I don’t want anything done unto me. Or on to me. Or into me. Oh for the love of Jeebus don’t do it into me. Also it’s kind of old-fashioned and wordy for the omg lmfao generation. I think it’s much easier to just say “Don’t Be a Dick”.

IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT- Well, duh. How about if it ain’t broke don’t talk about it?

IT’S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME- Good sportsmanship is an important lesson to learn for any growing boy, or girl, or boy who thinks he’s a girl trapped in a boy’s body, or vice versa. Unless they’re an athlete. Because the thing is, if you’re an athlete whether you win or lose has a direct impact on whether or not you get a college scholarship and then go on to get drafted and have a chance to make millions of dollars playing said game.Or if you hang up your cleats or sneakers or roller-skates after high school and immediately settle into a sad existence of working for a living and possibly giving hand-jobs for ham sandwiches. I don’t know what you do,maybe you have a strict kosher diet and this won’t apply to you. I can’t predict the exact type of foodstuffs that you will be performing sexual favors for, a ham sandwich was just used as an example. I can only predict, and with quite a great deal of certainty, that you will most assuredly be servicing random dudes for some type of undetermined sustenance in the near future, if you did not already do it this morning for that breakfast burrito I saw you with. Where did you get that? You never told me……  So anyways it should be, “It only matters if you win, pack your shit if you lose, and try to play the game by the rules or at least don’t get caught cheating if you’re gonna cheat, you fucking cheater, P.S. enjoy the breakfast burrito, you filthy whore.”. Because good sportsmanship counts, but a W’s a fucking W.

Posted by on February 27, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 26, 2012

Carelessly Contemplating Complicated Conundrums

Oh,someones getting some tail tonight for sure

 

It’s a big old bitch bastard of a world we live in, filled with mysteries that have baffled man since the dawn of time.Why are we here? What is the purpose of life? Does Bigfoot exist? Why the hell did they cancel Dance 360 ? Some of the most important questions have been debated through the ages by both scholars and dummies alike. I like to think of myself as somewhere in the middle, like Rain Man. Now hold on, I’m not saying I AM Rain Man. I’m just saying that with all of the numerous obvious similarities betwixt us, any rational person would most likely come to the inevitable conclusion that Bill McMorrow is Rain Man. But I’m not…Take that Google, now whenever anyone searches the internet for Academy Award Best Picture Winner “Rain Man”, they’ll see billmcmorrow.com. It’s called “playing the game”, I takes it where I gets it. Anyway this here smart/dumb guy is going to attempt to answer some of life’s most enduring questions with the help of nothing but my incredible cognitive capacity to digest, evaluate, store and subsequently regurgitate every scrap of knowledge that has ever been embedded in my skull by the Encyclopedia Britannica of Life. Plus I might use Google.

  • Q:Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
    A:Just using my extensive knowledge of basic biology, coupled with my almost disturbing interest in  animal husbandry, and cross referenced with literature about pleasing the ladies that I received from that free clinic that I don’t want to talk about , I would say that the rooster probably came first. See, the roosters the male, and when a man loves a woman, or chicken for this particular scenario, he takes her out for Chinese food and scorpion bowls, and maybe a little karaoke. The ladies go crazy for the karaoke. They have some laughs, let off some steam, maybe head back to the coop, play a little “How ’bout a back rub”, and cock-a-doodle-doo, the rooster comes first. Then maybe the chicken came too, if the roosters not too much of a dick and doesn’t just fall asleep, which we all know he’s gonna do anyway. Why does she stay with that jerk? What does she see in him? Well yes, his plumage is stunning and granted he does seem to muster up quite a bit of respect from the other livestock in the yard, I’ll give you that. But does he listen to her? Does…He….Listen…To….Her?. No, he doesn’t…Then like 9 months later the egg comes. Ta-Dah! Chicken baby. The cycle of life commences yet again.

Posted by on February 26, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 22, 2012

Phrases That Bucking Fug Me

Sometimes when I’m going through a normal day of pretending I’m not on the batting end of a no-hitter, I’ll hear people say certain phrases and I’ll think, “That fucking bugs me”. Yeah, I cleaned it up for the title. It’s called wordplay. Deal with it…. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout Willis? Sure you do. I’m talkin’ ’bout stuff like……..

Oh right, this isn't traumatic at all

THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK- First off, whoever coined this phrase obviously didn’t fork over their own hard-earned lootcakes to purchase the milk in question. Secondly, I bet they were probably lactose intolerant, so they already had a blatant anti-milk agenda. Listen, you have neither the right, nor the ability, to control my emotional distress upon seeing the last ounce of my sweet, sweet moo juice carelessly squandered on the dirty floor. How the ham sandwich am I gonna eat my Fruity Pebbles now?

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT- Wrong. Do you know who coined this phrase? A customer. Probably a stupid one to boot. Have you ever seen peopleofwalmart.com? Guess what? Those people are customers.  Are you telling me those douche-nozzles are right 100% of the time? 50%? 10%? I didn’t think so. Now I’m not saying customers are never right, but always? No, it’s a mathematical impossibility.

AS EASY AS TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY-

That’s my Kit-Kat, bitch!

They should say “As easy as taking ANYTHING from a baby”, because babies have no upper body strength. Have you ever seen a baby flex? It’s just sad and adorable. Also, you shouldn’t give candy to a baby. That’s just common sense because of the possible choking hazard. I don’t even have kids but I know that. Maybe all these babies with candy are the reason behind this childhood obesity epidemic. Give that baby some fruit, for the love of Richard Simmons.

IT’S LIKE COMPARING APPLES TO ORANGES- Seriously? It’s like comparing one delicious and nutritious fruit with another delicious and nutritious fruit? That’s just plain dumb. I think a better analogy would be saying, “It’s like comparing apes to oranges”. Or maybe saying, “It’s like comparing apples to orangutans”. Because only one of those things won’t maul your face, fingers and genitalia if given the chance….. It’s true, you can Google it.

Or just ask that lady in Connecticut.

Too soon?

Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 21, 2012

You G.L.O.W, Girl!

I chose this title reluctantly because I hate when people use the phrase “you go girl”, unless it’s Oprah Winfrey. Oprah can do whatever the fuck she wants to do and I’m fine with it….. See, my wife loves Oprah and I love my wife. It’s called “scoring points” and “keeping a happy household” in a “van down by the river”. Oh, I miss you Chris Farley. But I digest…. We are talking about the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling, so the stupid title fits. Even though it makes me want to punch myself in the dick.

Back in the day, Saturday nights were reserved for drinking illicitly obtained adult themed beverages in the woods. Southern Comfort and Mountain Dew comes to mind. Good old SoMoDewCos… (Eeewww,I think I just threw up in my mind)…..within close proximity to a raging bonfire. With a boombox playing some heavy metal waaaaayyy to loud, inevitably drawing the attention of the local federales. After making a hasty retreat through forests and swamps and cemeteries I would stumble home where I would create and consume some type of ill-conceived culinary cluster fuck. Then I would collapse on the couch and watch GLOW. It didn’t start until like one in the morning and it was pretty sexy stuff for a growing boy still years away from harnessing the power of this “Skinemax” thing that those older boys kept giggling about. This was over the airwaves shit too, not some premium porno channel like Lifetime network or Bravo. Anyway long blog short, what I’m saying is GLOW was the backbone of a vibrant America then, and it could be and should be the backbone of a resurgent America today! Come on America, Let’s get our backbone back!

And if we should get a few frontbones out of it too? Bonus.

Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 20, 2012

Don’t Lie To Me, David Hasslehoff!

Hey, Michael Knight. You might want to upgrade K.I.T.T’s operating system from Windows ’82, because a quick foray on even the most basic of internet search engines will prove you’re full of shit. Thanks….Nice pants, though. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?

Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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February 19, 2012

Put Up Your Dukes, Man

Just a good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could? I call bullshit.

Calm down dude or dudette, I’m not challenging you to engage in fisticuffs with me. I’m just talking about the Dukes of Hazzard. It was one of my favorite shows when I was growing up. The General Lee kicked ass, it was way cooler than my parents Dodge Dart. There was a span of time when I insisted on entering and exiting the car only thru the window a la Bo and Luke Duke. That was frowned upon, but it wouldn’t have stopped them good ol’ boys never meaning no harm, so I didn’t let it stop me. I did let my mother stop me though, quickly. She could be very stern. Oh well, a good times gotta end sometime…. Daisy Duke was smoking hot even to a 9-year-old boy with no concept of what smoking hot was. Legend tells that CBS wasn’t going to let her wear her famous Daisy Duke shorts because they said they were too sexy for television. They finally relented under the condition that Catherine Bach wear pantyhose under the shorts to prevent any accidental viewing of her lady penis. This led to her being not just smoking hot, but shiny as well…. Me loved she….I’m still upset that Jessica Simpson didn’t dye her hair when she played the role of Daisy in the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Daisy ain’t blonde, bitch. But I’m working through that…Uncle Jessie was a comforting figure in turbulent times, always good for some homespun words of wisdom, or a jug of Hazzards best moonshine, or an awkward back rub, or an even awkwarder front rub. I know it’s not a word…… Boss Hogg was the epitome of greed and corruption, that little fat fuck. With his white suit and his white hat and his white Cadillac with bull horns on the front. Smoking his stupid cigar, all smug and shit. I hated him, and I’m sure the feeling was mutual. In fact I know it was mutual because I have never received a phone call from Sorrell Booke, the actor who portrayed Jefferson Davis Hogg, to tell me otherwise. And he’s dead now. So there…. Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane, (with his trusty basset hound Flash) was always hiding behind a bush waiting to catch them Duke boys in the commission of crimes, real or imagined. He would chase them all over tarnation before predictably failing to make some pivotal jump,  hairpin turn, or other death-defying manuever in his Hazzard county issued squad car.Seriously, the amount of money spent on fixing police cars in this show would have bankrupted a less resilient township.Or would have at least led to a review and overhaul of the Hazzard County Sheriffs Department chase protocols… The Boars Nest, where everyone gathered at the end of the episode to drink their faces off and hootenany to whatever country music star Roscoe pulled over and arrested in one of his wildly unconstitutional speed traps .”Oh, we’ll drop the charges if you play a free concert in the bar that we own, and Loretta Lynn comes in the backroom with Boss Hogg and Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane for a sexy southern fried fuckfest.Take that you coal miners daughter, you.” Apologies to Academy Award Winners Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones. Mea culpa.

All of it was magic. But Bo and Luke Duke were the kings. They were like redneck Arthur Fonzarellis. Or Fonzie was like a Jewish Duke of Hazzard. That sounds kinda racist. Google says no…. They drove fast…on two wheels sometimes even. They partied hard and they wooed mad hussies. They wore flannel and had belt-buckles. They were the bomb, and they were merchandising gold. T-shirts, posters, action figures. collectible cups from McDonald’s,They kept my PB&J semi fresh and ant-free in my kick ass officially licensed Dukes of Hazzard lunch box with racist thermos. But then Bo and Luke Duke wanted more money. After season 4 they put their collective cowboy boots down. That’s when shit got real. CBS said,”Fuck you guys in your faces, we’ll get another blonde guy and another brunette guy…. Are guys called brunette guys or are guys just called brown-haired guys, guys? Either way Bo and Luke left to go join the NASCAR circuit, and Coy and Vance Duke came to town for season 5. It was a very uncomfortable time in my life. I had trouble sleeping, the sun didn’t shine as bright, the air didn’t smell as sweet, the fruit loops didn’t taste as loopy. It lasted only 19 episodes and then Bo and Luke came back, and Coy and Vance disappeared never to be mentioned on the show again. But things had changed and I knew it. It never felt the same to me after that. I mean, I still watched. It was the 80’s, what else was I gonna do? Hold hands across America?

Yeeeeee Haaaaaawwwwww!!!!

Posted by on February 19, 2012 in Comedy, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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