Sometimes when I’m going through a normal day of pretending I’m not on the batting end of a no-hitter, I’ll hear people say certain phrases and I’ll think, “That fucking bugs me”. Yeah, I cleaned it up for the title. It’s called wordplay. Deal with it…. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout Willis? Sure you do. I’m talkin’ ’bout stuff like……..
THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK- First off, whoever coined this phrase obviously didn’t fork over their own hard-earned lootcakes to purchase the milk in question. Secondly, I bet they were probably lactose intolerant, so they already had a blatant anti-milk agenda. Listen, you have neither the right, nor the ability, to control my emotional distress upon seeing the last ounce of my sweet, sweet moo juice carelessly squandered on the dirty floor. How the ham sandwich am I gonna eat my Fruity Pebbles now?
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT- Wrong. Do you know who coined this phrase? A customer. Probably a stupid one to boot. Have you ever seen peopleofwalmart.com? Guess what? Those people are customers. Are you telling me those douche-nozzles are right 100% of the time? 50%? 10%? I didn’t think so. Now I’m not saying customers are never right, but always? No, it’s a mathematical impossibility.
AS EASY AS TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY-
They should say “As easy as taking ANYTHING from a baby”, because babies have no upper body strength. Have you ever seen a baby flex? It’s just sad and adorable. Also, you shouldn’t give candy to a baby. That’s just common sense because of the possible choking hazard. I don’t even have kids but I know that. Maybe all these babies with candy are the reason behind this childhood obesity epidemic. Give that baby some fruit, for the love of Richard Simmons.
IT’S LIKE COMPARING APPLES TO ORANGES- Seriously? It’s like comparing one delicious and nutritious fruit with another delicious and nutritious fruit? That’s just plain dumb. I think a better analogy would be saying, “It’s like comparing apes to oranges”. Or maybe saying, “It’s like comparing apples to orangutans”. Because only one of those things won’t maul your face, fingers and genitalia if given the chance….. It’s true, you can Google it.
Or just ask that lady in Connecticut.