Sometimes when I’m going through a normal day of pretending I’m not on the batting end of a no-hitter, I’ll hear people say certain phrases and I’ll think, “That fucking bugs me”. Yeah, I cleaned it up for the title. It’s called wordplay. Deal with it…. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout Willis? Sure you do. I’m talkin’ ’bout stuff like……..

Oh right, this isn't traumatic at all

THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER SPILT MILK- First off, whoever coined this phrase obviously didn’t fork over their own hard-earned lootcakes to purchase the milk in question. Secondly, I bet they were probably lactose intolerant, so they already had a blatant anti-milk agenda. Listen, you have neither the right, nor the ability, to control my emotional distress upon seeing the last ounce of my sweet, sweet moo juice carelessly squandered on the dirty floor. How the ham sandwich am I gonna eat my Fruity Pebbles now?

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT- Wrong. Do you know who coined this phrase? A customer. Probably a stupid one to boot. Have you ever seen peopleofwalmart.com? Guess what? Those people are customers.  Are you telling me those douche-nozzles are right 100% of the time? 50%? 10%? I didn’t think so. Now I’m not saying customers are never right, but always? No, it’s a mathematical impossibility.

AS EASY AS TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY-

That’s my Kit-Kat, bitch!

They should say “As easy as taking ANYTHING from a baby”, because babies have no upper body strength. Have you ever seen a baby flex? It’s just sad and adorable. Also, you shouldn’t give candy to a baby. That’s just common sense because of the possible choking hazard. I don’t even have kids but I know that. Maybe all these babies with candy are the reason behind this childhood obesity epidemic. Give that baby some fruit, for the love of Richard Simmons.

IT’S LIKE COMPARING APPLES TO ORANGES- Seriously? It’s like comparing one delicious and nutritious fruit with another delicious and nutritious fruit? That’s just plain dumb. I think a better analogy would be saying, “It’s like comparing apes to oranges”. Or maybe saying, “It’s like comparing apples to orangutans”. Because only one of those things won’t maul your face, fingers and genitalia if given the chance….. It’s true, you can Google it.

Or just ask that lady in Connecticut.

Too soon?

8 responses »

  1. Tiffany says:

    You make my mornings happy Billy

  2. sweetmother says:

    hey-o, i gave you that liebster blog award thingy if you want it, it’s yours. hopefully it will give you some more visitors. not like you need them. hit my page for deets and what to do now. oh, yes, there are actions to take! lol. – mother

    • billmcmorrow says:

      Thanks Sweet Mother, much appreciated, even more so because I really enjoy reading your blog. And I will take all the visitors I can get. So I love you, Mother, but I still think Dads kind of a dick.

  3. sweetmother says:

    lol. as long as you side with mother, that’s all that matters. hope it gets you some eyes, you’re funny.

  4. Richard Simmons loves you – he told me so.

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