After the wildly succesful response to the pilot episode of “Phrases That Bucking Fug Me“, which quite frankly was extremely exhausting both emotionally as well as sexually, I am excited to announce that it has been picked up as a summer replacement series. So while the gang over at “The Real Housewives of Idontgiveafuck” catch up on some much-needed touch up work on their faces, necks and souls, I bring to you…drumroll please…What do you mean we don’t have any drums? You’re on a computer, just download a drumroll!…. You don’t have to yell at me in front of the tens of people reading this. Can we please talk about this later?….Yes we can, and we will. We most certainly will. And don’t worry, I won’t hit you, me….. And Now…. Further Phrases That Bucking Fug Me.
YOU CAN’T MAKE AN OMELETTE WITHOUT BREAKING SOME EGGS- This is obviously true, but it’s also true that you can’t make scrambled eggs without first fucking up a perfectly good omelette. Now listen, I enjoy a good omelette. But I can’t make one. So unless I have a trained culinary craftsman, or the kid at IHOP preparing said omelette for me, I’m just having scrambled eggs anyways. Every single time. Which is okay with me, ’cause I loves me some scrambled eggs.
DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU- I understand the sentiment of this and I agree with it. Treat people the way you would want to be treated. But here’s the thing. I don’t want anything done unto me. Or on to me. Or into me. Oh for the love of Jeebus don’t do it into me. Also it’s kind of old-fashioned and wordy for the omg lmfao generation. I think it’s much easier to just say “Don’t Be a Dick”.
IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT- Well, duh. How about if it ain’t broke don’t talk about it?
IT’S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME- Good sportsmanship is an important lesson to learn for any growing boy, or girl, or boy who thinks he’s a girl trapped in a boy’s body, or vice versa. Unless they’re an athlete. Because the thing is, if you’re an athlete whether you win or lose has a direct impact on whether or not you get a college scholarship and then go on to get drafted and have a chance to make millions of dollars playing said game.Or if you hang up your cleats or sneakers or roller-skates after high school and immediately settle into a sad existence of working for a living and possibly giving hand-jobs for ham sandwiches. I don’t know what you do,maybe you have a strict kosher diet and this won’t apply to you. I can’t predict the exact type of foodstuffs that you will be performing sexual favors for, a ham sandwich was just used as an example. I can only predict, and with quite a great deal of certainty, that you will most assuredly be servicing random dudes for some type of undetermined sustenance in the near future, if you did not already do it this morning for that breakfast burrito I saw you with. Where did you get that? You never told me…… So anyways it should be, “It only matters if you win, pack your shit if you lose, and try to play the game by the rules or at least don’t get caught cheating if you’re gonna cheat, you fucking cheater, P.S. enjoy the breakfast burrito, you filthy whore.”. Because good sportsmanship counts, but a W’s a fucking W.