A lot of retail stores have decided that Christmas shopping is so important that they need to open on Thanksgiving. That’s right. Some are opening at 6PM on Thanksgiving Day.
Fuck their greed.
Fuck their sales.
Fuck their profit margins.
Fuck their employees.
Oh wait. They are already fucking their employees, so I guess I can skip that step.
When I used to work in retail back in the day, I liked to sing a song in my head as a kind of theme song, you know, to get me through the day. Because everybody needs a theme song sometimes. I don’t care who you are.
Workin’ in retail, what a way to make a livin’
My only holidays, are Easter, Christmas and Thanksgivin’
I know, pretty awesome right. Dolly Parton would later steal that from me, change a few lyrics, and have a hit song and movie with ‘9 to 5’. That duplicitous bitch. She took my theme song away from me. Now they want to take one of those three holidays away from America, too? I call bullshit on that.
This is all to help boost Black Friday sales.
You remember Black Friday, right? That’s the holiday that those same retailers made up out of thin air to get people to spend more money?
Why is this okay?
Not only is Thanksgiving its own federally recognized holiday, but I submit to the court that it is also a far superior holiday than your precious Christmas tomfoolery.
Thanksgiving is a time to gather with your loved ones and enjoy yourselves without the pressure of having to max out your credit card to maintain the love. It’s a time to eat too much food and fall asleep on the couch whilst watching football and thinking about more pie. It’s a time to reflect on what you have, and be thankful for it.
It’s not a time to go stand in line and fight strangers for $10 off some piece of shit gift that the recipient probably won’t even like. That’s why they always ask you if you want a gift receipt.
Seriously, how is this acceptable?
I read the comments from a CEO of one of these companies, I don’t recall which one. But he said that the early opening is due to the overwhelming customer demand for it. Fuck those customers.
Listen, the customer is not always right. Have you ever been in a Wal-Mart? Take a look at some of the customers you see there. You’re telling me those people are right all of the time? I would argue that saying that they’re right even a small percentage of the time would be too kind of you. But I’ve always said that kindness is your best asset. Along with that killer smile. What are you? A toothpaste model or something? Well you should be. You could totally pimp some Glisten to the kids.
Thanksgiving Day is about pre-gaming for the big meal by driving around in your fathers Reliant K car with your friends, smoking a bunch of weed and listening to ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ by Arlo Guthrie. You know, if it was still 1988 and you were me. It’s a time to wake up at 6 in the morning, put the turkey in the oven, and then drink Bloody Marys until your face is partially numb. You know, if you’re my wife.
It’s a time to spend with family and friends. It’s better than Christmas with its fictitious fat man and his all-consuming assault of commercialism .
Christmas is about disillusionment, disappointment and debt. Well, I guess it’s not entirely just that. There’s usually some cookies too.
Anyways, I refuse to be a part of your Black Friday/Thanksfornothing Thursday nonsense, corporate America. I’m on to you.
You bunch of dicks