Bicentennial time capsules kick your time capsules faces asses!!

Have you ever participated in a time capsule?… Sure you have….

In my lifetime I remember participating in at least three time capsules. Once during first grade (1976 Bicentennial time capsule), once during junior high (or middle school as it is called nowadays….silly nowadays) and once at a summer camp (that I did not get diddled at, as far as you know).

But I have never attended the opening of a time capsule that I had actually put something into.. I would have liked to. Hell, I would have LOVED to. But it never happened. . . Alas, time passes and you live your life, and the things that were once of the utmost importance to a young boy eventually become merely a hazy memory to a grown man.

But the thing that bums me out is that I never even received an invitation to any of the unearthings. To be fair, I have moved numerous times since my childhood, and I think the USPS only forwards mail for like a year or so. But it’s still disappointing. They could have found me. They could have tried harder. They could have hired a private dick , or something.

Or maybe I just didn’t write down the correct unveiling date in my Trapper Keeper notebook. If so, shame on me. Of course I haven’t had a Trapper Keeper in 30 years, so maybe I did write down the correct date but carelessly disposed of it during one of those crazy last day of school Field Days. All hopped up on Kool-Aid, Pop-Rocks, and crystal meth, throwing textbooks and flashcards around the halls, and shaking my sweet, sweet, ass like a little fucking punk who thinks he ain’t gonna get his, but he’s gonna get his,oh yes he is… Or at least that’s what the school janitor said.

I’d like to find out about them, but I can’t just swing by my old school. Nowadays, a 41-year-old man with no children gets seriously eye-fucked by the establishment when he’s found wandering around an elementary school, muttering to himself about his “long-lost buried treasure”. Not like in the good old days where that same 41-year-old man could have walked into a school on Monday morning and taken kids out for ice cream and tickle fights in his van. As long as they were back by Friday all was cool, man. Good times… But I’d like to find out about the fantastic celebration that happened when the hermetically sealed capsule was opened , and its strange contents from a bygone era were revealed. I would like to imagine all the children put their shiny iPhones, iPods, and iJet-packs down, and stared in wild-eyed wonder at my priceless antiquities. Sometimes I try to remember exactly what I put into these time capsules. I’m pretty sure it was something awesome like:

  1. Freshen Up.
  2.  Coleco Electronic Quarterback.
  3. TV Guide from November 27th, 1976 with Starsky and Hutch on the cover.
  4. All that hard physical evidence I had gathered that proved indisputably that Bigfoot exists. Maybe I knew society wasn’t ready for it, so I tucked it away for safekeeping. That sounds like something I’d do.

    Frank Costanza would kill for this

  5. One of Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstoppers,simply to test Wonka’s “Theory of Everlastingnessness”. That dude was fuckin’ shitcrackers.

The truth is I don’t remember what I included in these time capsules. But everyday that goes by, my chances of finding out diminish just a little bit more. Until one day, sadly, I’ll die and be put in a time capsule of my own where I shall remain unopened forever.

I’m just fucking with you guys…. I’m getting cremated.

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