Attention Dear Reader: I am not a religious person. If you are, so be it. More power to you. But this particular post might not be your cup of tea, or chalice of the blood of christ, if you will… You won’t? That’s okay. If you want too leave now I shall take no umbrage, nor harbor any grudges. If you should choose to remain and read on, which I hope you will, I shall ask that you do likewise. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation…

I was raised catholic, but luckily I escaped at a young age. My mother died when I was eleven (Hold on,that’s not the lucky part) and my father started drinking a lot(still not the lucky part) suddenly we didn’t have to go to church anymore(there it is).  Anyways, I think I avoided most of the psychological damage that a burgeoning boy-brain endures whence being constantly reminded that he murdered Jesus Christ by masturbating.  A full one thousand, nine-hundred, and eighty some odd years AFTER Jesus died. Even though I always thoroughly wash my hands with holy water when I finish? Yes, even though that. So whilst I am no longer a sheep in the flock, there are some things that I fondly misremember to this day. I, of course, am talking about my favorite forgotten bible verses. The Bible covers a wide array of topics, but most of them come back to a central theme. ” Chiggidy-check yourself, before you wriggidy-wreck yourself.” I’m paraphrasing, of course. I shall also be paraphrasing these succulent biblical nuggets as well, since I’ve never actually read the book. But I have seen Monty Pythons “The Life of Brian” a shit ton of times, so same diff..

  1. “Letteth me explain to him in simple arithmetic. Oneth, twoeth, three-eth! Becauseth you don’t fuckin’ getteth it, Burt! You giveth us the tapes. We getteth the record contract. We cometh back and giveth you your fuckin’ money. Haveth you heardeth the tapes? Haveth you even heardeth them? We’re guaranteedeth a record deal. Our stuffeth is that good!”- from The Book of Diggler, A Letter from Dirk to Burt. In regards to the original master recordings of O’ Little Town of Bethlehem.
  2. Giveth me a soft subtle mix, and iffeth ain’t broketh then don’t tryeth to fix it, (don’t tryeth to fix it)- from The Book of Bel Air, Letters from the Fresh Prince to the Apostle Jazzy Jeff, discussing the musical arrangement for the Feast of the Summer Solstice.
  3. “Now, I’m gonna openeth my fly and you’re gonna swalloweth what I giveth ya to swalloweth. And after you swalloweth mine you’re gonna swalloweth Rooster’s cause ya done broketh his nose and I thinketh he oughta haveth something to showeth for it.”- from The Book of Shawshank, A Postcard from the False Prophet Boggs, in regards to he and his disciple Rooster’s insatiable quest for love and dude head.
  4. “I want to fucketh you like an animal, I want to feeleth you from the inside, I want to fucketh you like an animal, my wholeth existence is flawed, you getteth me closer to God”-From The Book Of Noah, Letters to Reznor, pertaining to the Mission Statements of Noahs Ark, AKA, Admiral Drunky McStumblefucks Floating Fuck Zoo.

This is the word of The Bill.

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