November 12, 2012

How To Survive A Bear Attack, Maybe

Once upon a time, if you needed to know something, you put on pants and went to the library. You could also wear shorts, or slacks, or a dress or something else. As long as you covered your genitals you were pretty much all set. Unless you were wearing a bathing suit. Bathing suits were frowned upon, and had no place in the world of borrowed literature, and still don’t to this day.

Needing to know things is one of the reasons people read. One of the main reasons, quite frankly. Having to go all the way to the library was one of the ways the man kept people down. How was someone supposed to work 20 hour days in the coal mine and still find time to go research what to do in case of emergency? They couldn’t do it. Henceforth the general population would remain clueless to important, lifesaving information.

With the advent of the Internet, people can just go on-line and do all the learning their frontal lobes can handle. Although you can’t always trust what you read on the Internet, you can almost always trust it, and that’s good enough for me.
With that in mind, I would like to present you with some helpful nuggets of knowledge that you might need to know before you die, so you don’t die.

 What To Do In Case Of A Bear Attack:
Wow, you really got yourself in a pickle with that bear, eh? What’s an intelligent person like you doing putting themself in a position to get attacked by a bear? That’s uncharacteristically careless of you. Listen, if you don’t want to get mauled by a bear, you shouldn’t go to a place where bears are. The woods, the zoo, the circus, the honey factory, or any place that people carrying picnic baskets congregate. It’s very simple. Now I understand this is about what to do AFTER the attack has already started, but still, some common sense is always useful. You got a brain, use it.
A lot of people say you should play dead when attacked by a bear. Those people are stupid and you should immediately work to disassociate yourself from them and their dumb opinions. The only thing playing dead does is give the bear some time to “play” with his food and maybe invite some friends to dinner. You need to be loud and aggressive with this dude. Assuming a karate stance can be beneficial, because even in the animal kingdom, the ancient art of karate is feared and respected.

After the bear laughs at your karate stance and lunges for your face, you should duck. Now try tickling him. I don’t know if bears are ticklish, but it seems like a good place to start. Did it work? You’ll know that it did if the bear laughs. Is he laughing? No? Ok, let’s get a little more proactive. Quick, poke him in the eyes!

Did you do it? What happened? Is he dead? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Poking him in the eye won’t kill him, you probably just made him madder. Which is very scary, because he already looked really mad. Alright, see if you can stick your arm down his throat and rip his heart out . There’s practically no chance that it’s gonna work, but your options seem pretty limited right now.

Okay, did you rip his heart out? Where’d your arm go? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re bleeding profusely. It’s really working the bear up into a frenzy. It’s most likely the scent of all that blood you’re currently gushing. It’s like a fire hydrant. Fortunately it looks like you might have a second to slip away whilst he’s gnawing on your left arm. Or what was once your left arm. Is it still considered your left arm even though it’s not there anymore? Hmmm, good question, me. Thanks, you. I’m going to say it’s still your left arm even though it’s detached. So take this opportunity to sneak away while he’s still chewing on it.

Uh-oh, he’s done. We probably should have spent more of that precious time figuring out a way to save your life and less of it arguing semantics. Oh well, you live, you learn. Well, some people live and learn. But I don’t think it’s going to be you, due to the massive blood loss and also because of that angry, bloodthirsty bear about to eat your face. Sorry, buddy.

Oh wait, I just remembered I have my phone on me. I’ll tweet for help.

#somebodycall911beforethisbearchewsthisdudesfaceoff #mutualofomahaswildkingdom

Posted by on November 12, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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November 11, 2012

Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Hero Too?

More powerful than a locomotive? Sure, why not.

What was that? Do I have any superpowers?

Great question, intrepid reader. You constantly ask the best questions. That’s something I’ve always thought makes you stand out from the crowd. All those other people always ask stupid questions like, “Paper or plastic?”, or “Boxers or briefs?”, or “How do we obtain world peace in an ever increasingly violent global landscape?”.

But not you, you always ask the important questions. The in-depth queries, such as, “Do you have any superpowers?”, or “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”, or “Are you sure you’re going to finish that sandwich?”

To answer your question, no I do not have any superpowers. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t welcome them. I spend a considerable amount of time researching ways to acquire some. Literally minutes a day are spent on Google searches of this very nature. Nothing I have learned from these intense study sessions have led me closer to obtaining superpowers. But I have learned a few things I would like to share.

  1. I know that Spiderman, or Peter Parker, got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. But I call hogwash on that. I’m almost positive that a bite from a radioactive spider would kill you. Although I’m not a doctor, I’m also not a dentist. But either way, if a radioactively infected arachnid used its mandibles to pierce your epidermis it would most likely lead to anaphylactic shock, increased heart rate, hyperventilation, loss of consciousness, and possibly death. Oh snap! Who may or may not be a doctor and/or a dentist now? Still me? Whatever.
  2. Batman, or Bruce Wayne, doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a rich dude with expensive toys. He’s a one percenter, and therefore the enemy of the Occupy Gotham movement. Listen, if I had an unlimited influx of cash, I could totally fight crime in a big bad way, too. But instead of spending a million dollars on a utility belt, I need to come up with hundreds of dollars for my utility bills. Electricity, home heating oil, cable, etc. I could use a little help here, Dark Knight.
  3. Superman, or Clark Kent, gets his powers from the yellow sun of Earth. But he’s also an alien from another planet, and truth be told, I’ve never trusted him. I’m sure he has some ulterior motive to helping people, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I will, and boy when I do, that dude’s gonna get his. I’ve been stockpiling kryptonite for years in the hopes of knocking that guy off his high horse. Don’t worry, his time shall come.
  4. The Incredible Hulk, or Dr. Bruce Banner, was exposed to gamma rays. When he gets angry, he turns into a big green tough guy with super human strength and a pissy attitude. Once again, nuclear contamination doesn’t seem like a safe and effective way to obtain superpowers to me. Also, I think a lot of his power can be traced back to his easily flustered personality. Maybe if he saw a therapist and tried to work through some of his personal issues he wouldn’t be so quick to enrage. Think about it Mister Doctor Banner. You’ll thank me later. Or rip my head off during one of your classic hissy fits. You’re so predictable.
  5. No matter how much society tries to convince me it’s true, I will never agree that The Wonder Twins are superheroes. Having the ability to transform into various sized portions of water doesn’t make you a superhero. It just makes you terribly sad, and incredibly well hydrated. And hydration isn’t a superpower, it’s just a very important part of maintaining a healthy body. Deal with it.

Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

119 Comments

November 10, 2012

Karate by Bill McMorrow

A lot of people always come up to me and say, “Hey Bill, you look like you love The Karate Kid. You also look like you probably are a practitioner of the ancient and deadly art of karate. Are you? Can you teach me?” This happens a lot. Too much, in fact. It actually got to a point that I thought, “Why don’t I just write a song that talks about my love of the Karate Kid, as well as my lack of knowledge of karate.” So that’s what I did. Listen, this song will probably change a lot of people’s lives for the better, and that’s cool. If there’s one thing my mother taught me, it’s you should strive to change people’s lives for the better. If there’s two things she taught me, it’s that I make a better door than a window, even though I am a pain. That’s a “Billy, you’re standing in front of the tv” joke.

So I present to you,

“Karate”

All Music written and performed by Bill Powers

Lyrics and Vocals by Bill McMorrow

Backing Vocals by Bill Powers and Dave Coy

Recorded at Fallen Angel Records in Quincy, Massachusetts

Vocals recorded on the “Madison” microphone from Powers Microphone Company

Thanks for reading and listening. Be forewarned that there is some graphic language at some points in the song, so make sure that if you have any small children listening that they pay close attention to the swear words in particular. You do want them to grow up to be cool, don’t you?

Posted by on November 10, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour, Movies, Music and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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November 8, 2012

The Cinnamon Whistle Sticks

Opie lives in all of us. Amen.

Watching Sons of Anarchy makes me want to start my own motorcycle gang. Unfortunately, I don’t ride a motorcycle. I do have a car, but you never hear about car gangs. I think a car gang would be scarier than a motorcycle gang, simply based on a car being bigger than a motorcycle. That seems like common sense. But when I ask people to join my car gang, they just laugh and point at me and call me a loser, then they go and start their own car gang. They have cars with Blaupunkt stereos and fuzzy dice hanging off the mirror. Also, they have way cooler jackets than me. I knew I should have sprung for pleather. It’s a timeless fabric.

But if I did ride a motorcycle, I would totally start a gang. We would probably be one of the toughest gangs in the world. I haven’t seen the final list of who makes the cut, but suffice it to say, we would be extremely muscley, yet limber. We would obviously have a really cool theme song that was easily recognizable in all the toughest parts of town. Probably some a capella, three-part harmonies, a ton of finger snapping and a whole lot of whistling. Nothing says,”Hey sucker, this is our turf, you best get to steppin’ if you don’t want to find yourself on the wrong side of a good ol’ Donnybrook”, like muscley gentleman singing in unison. Plus all that whistling is a very effective deterrent to a drive-by shooting. I think it has to do with the sound waves messing up GPS signals or something scientific like that.

When people begged to join my gang, at first I’d say, “I’m terribly sorry, we are not currently accepting any new members, or pledges, as we call them in the motorcycle gang business. Perhaps next semester.” This will make my gang seem very hip and exclusive. That’s how it starts. People will start to talk amongst themselves in the coffee shops, hardware stores, and disco roller rinks. They’ll say, ” Hey, what can I do to make myself more attractive to this gang, get them to like me and take me into their confidence? Should I make some brownies or something?” There would eventually be a buzz around town. That’s when I let it slip that we might be looking for one or two more tough guys to join our organization. I’d tell prospective hooligans that they could fill out an application at our treehouse clubhouse, but that they most likely won’t get in. This would make sure that only people who really wanted to join the gang would apply. No posers allowed. Unless they’re like, world-class, championship caliber posers. Then it would behoove us to accept them. We want the best of the best. It’s kind of what we’re all about.

After filling out an application, The potential pledges would be put through a grueling initiation process. It would include, but not be limited to such things as:

  • All pledges would be kidnapped off the street or from their homes or place of employment, blindfolded, and forced to come to the treehouse clubhouse for  an orientation barbecue. They would all be required to have something to eat,  even if they weren’t that hungry. Then we would talk about a whole bunch of different stuff. Favorite movies, recipes, their hopes and dreams, and what not.  Maybe play some bocce or croquet. When the night was over all pledges would be required to bring some food home for their families. No exceptions. If they don’t have a family they can drop it off at a shelter or orphanage. Do some good for the community. But they would also be required to return any container that the food was in. We’re trying to run a bike gang, we need money for gas, candy and tattoos, we can’t be buying endless amounts of Tupperware. That’s not economically feasible. Ask the Hell’s Angels about that, they’ll tell you some stories. Plus it’s just bad for the environment.
  • There would be random text messages that would need to be returned immediately. Text messages such as: Hey what’s up? What are you doing? What’s that guys problem? How does this thing work? Who shot J.R again? What channel is AMC? What’s so funny ’bout peace love and understanding? Can you grab me an ice coffee? Can’t we all just get along? Aren’t you glad it’s nice out today? Does this look infected?( That one would be picture mail. Standard text messaging rates apply)
  • At some point there would have to be an initiation beat down. That’s just standard practice throughout the entire gang milieu. Everyone does it.  The Bloods, the Crips, the Latin Kings, the Lost Boys, the Pink Ladies, Menudo. All of them. Fortunately, our beat down is less of a physical altercation and more of a water balloon fight. But it gets pretty heated, in a refreshingly cooling type of way. Some of the bikers have mouths like sailors in a motorcycle gang. Apologies in advance for that. But the annual  water balloon initiation beat down is the highlight of the social season for some of these guys and they get a little carried away. It really is a fun time.
  • After the water balloon fight we have another barbecue. This time every pledge is required to bring one dish to the party. Either an entrée, or an appetizer, or maybe a nice dessert? But they must let me know 48 hours in advance so I know what I have to work with. They can just call me or text  me or hit me up on the Facebook event invite page. I don’t care how they do it. Just do it. A little common courtesy and a pleasant attitude will get you very far in this particular motorcycle gang, bucko.
  • Sleepover

Now if someone makes it through this extensive soul breaking initiation process, they would be welcomed with open arms into my motorcycle gang, The Cinnamon Whistle Sticks.

Cinnamon, because we’re hot and spicy like the sweet nectar of the forbidden cinnamon Pop-Tart that Eve ate in that bible story.

Whistle, of course, after the blood curdling, bone chilling whistling sections of the intro/outro (and maybe the bridge section) of our gang theme song.

Sticks, because those and stones can break your bones.

Posted by on November 8, 2012 in Comedy, Games, Humor, Humour, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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November 6, 2012

Ten Cents Gets You Nuts!

The most exciting thing ever.

The most exciting thing ever.

The television show Arrested Development is returning for a long-awaited, much ballyhooed fourth season and a feature-length film and I couldn’t be happier about anything, ever.

Created by Mitchell Hurwitz, Arrested Development follows the wealthy Bluth family as the patriarch of the clan, George Bluth Sr.(played by Jeffrey Tambor) is arrested for possible “light treason” after being accused of building houses in Iraq for Saddam Hussein.. His son, Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman) is forced to take over the Bluth Company and keep his family together. It was a critically acclaimed, award-winning show, that suffered through constant time changes on the schedule, and never really found an audience, until it was released on DVD. Since it went off the air it has grown into one of the most beloved shows of all time. You want to know if the show has fans? There are literally dozens of us. Dozens!!! If you don’t watch Arrested Development, you really should. Because it is, in my quite humble, and completely correct opinion, the greatest television show that God ever gave to man.

You might be saying, “Bill, God isn’t in the business of creating television shows.” To which I would smugly reply, “Why don’t you try reading the bible sometime, instead of spouting off about things you know nothing about, you heathen. You sound foolish.” I would, of course, be entirely wrong and would eventually realize it. Later on I would apologize for my boorish behavior and then try to blame it on a simple, yet common, mistranslation from the Old Testament. Latin is tricky, sometimes. You would hopefully accept my apology, albeit grudgingly, and I’m pretty sure you would talk shit about me behind my back. “Oh, Bill doesn’t even understand basic Latin or advanced religious theology. What a simple, simple man. Nay, a simple boy. I pity him.” That makes me sad. Come on dude or lady dude, this is you and me we’re talking about here. We can’t be fighting over this, we’ve too much at stake…… I love you. There, I said it.

Let’s just agree that Arrested Development is the greatest television show in the history of the world, made by mortal man, with the approval of a nodding God, if he actually exists. My wife and I have watched all 3 seasons of this intricately written show far too many times to count, and I can count pretty high. Well into the triple digits. I’m not trying to brag, I’m just telling truths. But even with all the times I’ve watched it, I still notice things that I hadn’t noticed before. The show is so full of clever word play, call backs and sight gags that it truly is worth numerous viewings. I don’t think a single day goes by where I don’t reference the show at least once through a catchphrase such as “I’ve made a huge mistake”, “Ten cents gets you nuts”, “And that’s why you always leave a note.”, “I’m a monster!!!!”, “There’s always money in the banana stand”, “No Touching!!”, “Heeeeyyyyyy brother”, etcetera and so on . It is truly a gift that keeps on giving.

The fourth season is scheduled to be released in Spring 2013 on Netflix, which also currently has all 3 seasons available for instant streaming. The 4th season will catch viewers up on what the Bluth family has been up to over the last 7 years. This will be followed by a theatrical release sometime later on, hopefully not too much later.
The only problem with this is if the Mayans are correct about the world ending on 12/21/12. That would be extremely disappointing. Although I’m sure God wouldn’t allow that to happen. Not with all the time he’s spent on character development.

So if you haven’t taken the time to enjoy Arrested Development, do it before the 4th season starts. Or before the world ends.

And if God does let the Apocalypse happen before we get to see the Bluth family again, he’s made a huge mistake.

Posted by on November 6, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour, Television and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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November 5, 2012

Resume Writing For Dummies -AKA- Play To Your Strengths, Kid

Hey pigeon, tell them I can’t do weekends.

I was recently laid off from my job after 13 years. No, don’t feel bad for me. That place sucked. Every day when I went in there, I felt a little piece of my soul die. Which is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of having to find a job. I hear that nowadays people write their work experience and qualifications down on pieces of fine parchment with a stick dipped in ox blood. Then they affix the parchment to the leg of a carrier pigeon with twine. The pigeon flies the information from employer to employer touting the applicants various skills, in return for a fistful of birdseed. Unfortunately, I do not own pigeons anymore. Not after the great diphtheria scare of ’04. Although I do still have an obscene amount of ox blood left. Maybe I’ll put it up for sale on Craigslist.

So I have been compiling my strengths in order to make a resume that will kick a prospective employer in the face with its incredibleness.

Possible Resume Strengths

  1.  I speak pretty fucking good English. That is a major selling point nowadays if you are looking to obtain employment in England, or any of her occupied territories. I live in New England, so that’s gotta translate somehow.
  2.  I’m well versed in pop culture. So if Hasbro Games, makers of Trivial Pursuit, sees this, call me.
  3.  Do they still make Trivial Pursuit? I should have researched that before calling out Hasbro Games. Apologies to the Hasbro family, and also to the ones they love. If Trivial Pursuit is no more, I could also help with Swear Words With Friends.
  4. I have seen every episode of Arrested Development, dozens of times. So if any Fortune 500 company is looking for someone to head up their Bluth Division, I’m your man.
  5.  I was raised to not steal lunches from the refrigerator. It’s just how I was taught to live my life. My mother always stressed this point to me growing up. She would say, “Billy, that’s not you lunch sweetheart, don’t be a dick”. Although she never said anything about desserts, and I do love dessert. You should know not to leave cheesecake in a community fridge. That’s just plain irresponsible on your part.
  6. While never an actual officially licensed member of “The Babysitters Club“, I was a back-up, on-call, emergency response babysitter between October 1984 and June 1985. While I haven’t kept my credentials current, I’m pretty sure I can still handle a stupid beautiful baby. Babies still like Haagen-Dazs ice cream and horror movies, right? I thought so. Because who doesn’t?
  7. I can count pretty high. I don’t want to brag about it, because it’s not my style. But I can easily count into the high three figures with minimal help from my fingers and toes. I can also recite the alphabet in Spanish. Yeah, that is pretty  “el awesome”
  8.  I am not offended by you being offended by me not being offended by you. Like the Bible says I shouldn’t be.
  9.  I take the best naps out of anyone I know, and I know a bunch of people.
  10.  I can Google shit like a pro, and that’s short for professional.

Yeah, it’s all pretty impressive.

So when do I start?

Posted by on November 5, 2012 in Comedy, Games, Humor, Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

5 Comments

November 1, 2012

Voorhees A Jolly Good Fellow

Oh, what might have been.

Jason Voorhees is quite possibly the most prolific serial killer in the history of the modern world.

He is also the most misunderstood.

He was just a kid who loved to swim. His dream was to be the next great American Olympic hero. He idolized Johnny Weissmuller and his incredible performance in the 1924 Paris games, as all young boys in the 1950’s did. Much the same way you constantly hear all the kids today going on and on about Mark Spitz and his record-breaking performance at the 1972 Munich games. Just like kids in 30 years will be all batshit crazy over Michael Phelps. Kids have always loved history and men in speedo’s. Dreams of Olympic glory drove a young Jason Voorhees to train almost non-stop. Up before dawn, shaving his chest, applying vaseline, and doing laps and whatever else it is that swimmers do. Constantly striving to knock a few milliseconds off his butterfly stroke. He was probably one of the most dedicated boys you could ever meet But you never hear about that. You just hear about the mass murders. Damn mainstream media! If those camp counselors had just been paying attention and doing the job they were hired to do, instead of sucking face and finger banging, little Jason Voorhees wouldn’t have died in Crystal Lake. That is a fact. Naturally his mother flips out, like any loving mother would, and starts violently slaughtering all these punk kids that have led to the untimely demise of her beautifully buoyant baby boy. I get it. Children need to be reprimanded when they do wrong. They need to learn boundaries.

So after handling these shiftless layabouts but good, the last surviving broad cuts Jason’s beloved mommies head off. When all Mrs. V. was doing was looking out for her kid. Where’s the outrage, people? What the hell else is Jason supposed to do except to exact revenge on everybody everywhere forever? That’s what I’d do. It sure as shit is what Johnny Weissmuller would have done, and that dude was Tarzan.

People stopped calling it “Camp Crystal Lake” and started calling it “Camp Blood“, and teenagers still went there. Serves them right, stupid teenagers. Too sexy for their own good. Instead of “Camp Blood” they should have called it “Camp Horny Counselors Let Innocent Children Die, Thereby Deserving What They Get”. I understand why they didn’t. It’s kind of wordy, but I believe in truth in advertising.

Listen, before you get all, “Bill, I can’t believe you’re actually defending a psychotic axe murderer” on me,  stop it. Jason had a machete, not an axe. You sound foolish. Sure he might have used an axe now and again, but to call him an “axe murderer” is kind of demeaning to all of us. Do a little research before you go attacking a defenseless serial killer, would you? The psychotic part might be right, but as I’ve already eloquently stated, that was out of love for his mom. An act of passion, if you will.

Now I can’t defend everything that Jason Voorhees has done. The burlap sack mask he wore in Friday the 13th Part II was quite a fashion faux pas. He totally should have killed Corey Feldman when he had the chance, as well as Corey Haim. I know Corey Haim wasn’t in any of the Friday the 13th movies, but I’m sure he was hanging around the set with Feldman, eating all the craft services. Those two were inseparable back then. I’m just saying the opportunity was probably there, so why not take it?

I firmly believe that Jason never should have attempted to take Manhattan. That was just a poorly thought out strategy, as anyone who has taken the time to read up on the Great Muppet Fiasco could attest to. First off, Jason Voorhees was a country boy. He loved the simpler things, like swimming and retribution. He was ill prepared for the hustle and bustle of New York City. If I was there I would have told him, “Don’t go, big fella. That city’s gonna eat you up and spit you out”. Of course, he wouldn’t have understood me because he was insane with rage over the loss of his mother and he was hungry for blood. But that would be my fault, not his. I should know better than to confront him like that. Nobody likes confrontation.  Also, the big city is really expensive to live in. I don’t know what the rent was on that decrepit shack in the woods he was residing in, but I’m sure it was way more affordable than even the smallest of studio apartments in Manhattan. That’s just good ol’ dollars and sense.

I also don’t think he should have gone into outer space, but that was not of his doing, so it’s unfair to criticize him for that. He was cryogenically frozen and transported, most likely against his will. But like he has always done, he made the best out of a bad situation. He played the hand he was dealt. He didn’t piss and moan about getting a “raw deal” He picked himself up by his bootstraps and killed his way across the universe, like Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Tom Hanks, and the rest of them astronaut guys.

But I totally agree that he had to fight Freddy Krueger, because that dude was a dick. All touching kids, and what not. That guy gave me nightmares.

So just remember the next time you find yourself face to face with a masked man with a machete who has been chasing you through the woods without ever breaking into a trot:

Maybe he just misses his mommy.

Posted by on November 1, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour, Movies, Sports and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

4 Comments

October 31, 2012

Oh, I’ll Give You Something Good To Eat

Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger, bitch!

Halloween was always one of my favorite days growing up. What other holiday legally requires you to dress up in costume and extort homeowners into giving you candy in exchange for not committing acts of vandalism to their property, or forcing them to smell your feet? Easter, you say? Fair enough. But can you name another one?

As a young child, Halloween was all about the treat. I got to dress up as my favorite cartoon character, or superhero, or bed sheet and parade around the neighborhood at night, in the dark, way past my usually scheduled bedtime, scoring free candy just for being an adorable ragamuffin. That was a sweet deal.
But as a young lad matriculated into older boyhood, the trick portion of the equation becomes far more important. Running around a neighborhood at night with a mask on can be a powerful drug for a teenager. Give that junkie a can of shaving cream, a dozen eggs and a roll of toilet paper, and he becomes a god. Or at least a jerk.

Now listen, I’m all for terrorizing the general public in the name of Satan, like any little boy is. I did a fair amount of it myself in my formative years. Throwing eggs at houses because they didn’t come across with “the good stuff”. Trying to buy my civility with Good and Plenty when I know for a fact they got Mike and Ike’s up in this bitch. Don’t insult me like that. Or sometimes we would strong-arm some younger boys for their bags of loot. I’m not proud of that, but the candy was no less delicious due to the robbery. It was an easy heist to pull off too. “Hey kid, give me your bag, now”. They didn’t even fight back. It was as easy as taking free candy from a baby.

But that was then. Nowadays every kid is most likely packing heat, ready to throw down at a moments notice over their ill-gotten sack of sugar. Long gone are the days when that harmless looking kid in the ALF costume was truly an easy mark. He probably has a gun. Or some mace. Or a taser.

Even worse, he probably has an iPhone to call his older brother with.

And that dude’s a dick.

Posted by on October 31, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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October 29, 2012

That’s Hurricane Sandra To You

See guys, it IS wicked windy out.

Hurricane Sandy is working its way up the Atlantic coast. Weather forecasters are anticipating a perfect storm, the likes of which we have not seen since that one time George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg went fishing together. To help you prepare for this almost certain catastrophe of biblical proportions, I have compiled a hurricane checklist for you. Now, some of these might seem obvious. Some of them might seem ridiculous. But all none of them are necessary steps to take to avoid certain death or discomfort.

  1. Make sure that you go to the supermarket and stock up on perishables. Milk, meats, seafood, ice creams and what not. You don’t want the power to go out and not have $300 worth of food spoiling in your refrigerator. That would be wasteful.
  2. While at the store make sure to buy enough D batteries. If the power does go out, you’ll need flashlights to entertain yourself with shadow puppets, like the pioneers used to do.. Also get some extra 9-volt batteries to power all your iPhones, laptops, and such. Imagine not being able to get on Facebook? All those hurricane related e-cards that you’ll miss. That would suck for you.
  3. At the height of the storm, DO NOT climb to the tallest tree you can find and loudly challenge Mother Nature to “show me what you got, bitch”. Unless you’re trying to impress a chick. Because the ladies love stupidity.
  4. Make sure to check in on your elderly neighbors during the storm. Some of them might not have any family around who would notice any of their valuables missing.
  5. During the storm, do not go to the beach, because it is dangerous there. Unless you are a reporter going to the beach to tell other people not to go to the beach because it is dangerous there. Because it is dangerous there. Unless you’re being filmed for television. Then it’s okay.
  6. Don’t forget to drink your face off. Remember, a hurricane can’t kill you if your drunk.Fact.
  7. Never go fishing with Clooney and Wahlberg.

Posted by on October 29, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour, Weather and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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October 25, 2012

How To Succeed In Prison Without Really Trying

Alright fellas, who wants to woo me?

I love prison.

No, that’s not right. I don’t love prison, I love prison movies.

I’ve never actually been to prison, so I don’t know if I’d love it. Unless you count the many hours I’ve spent watching The Shawshank Redemption and Locked Up Abroad as being equivalent to real incarceration. Which you shouldn’t and probably won’t, because you’re such a stickler for detail. I’ve always admired that about you, but have never told you before, most likely due to my own insecurities. I also like your bangs.

You’re welcome.

I think that I probably wouldn’t love prison because it seems like a violent place where the next graphic manhandling is always right around the corner. But due to the influx of all the movies and television shows dedicated to the glamorous world of maximum security penitentiaries, sometimes I think that I might really enjoy it.

So I have been doing some work compiling a list of things to remember if I ever do find myself a part of the ever-growing private prison industry in America. Which, to be honest might happen. They need to keep those things full, and keep the economy stimulated. I heard they might even institute a prisoner draft where all citizens will face random mandatory sentences from 30 days to life. It’ll be a game show on TLC. But that’s just a rumour I’m starting.

Listen, I’m not selfish. I’m willing to share this wealth of knowledge with people. More importantly, I’m willing to share it with you.

Helpful Hints For Getting Along In The Joint

  1. Prison can be a tough place, it helps to get yourself set up as nicely as possible from the get go. Make it a point to set up a one on one “Getting To Know You” meeting with the warden on the first day. This may seem like a difficult thing to accomplish, but with a little tenacity and some old-fashioned rugged charm, it can be done. Remind the guards that this is a taxpayer-funded institution and that you are, or once were, a taxpayer. So chop-chop!!
  2. Try to bring something nice for the warden, to show him that you’re not a barbarian, like the rest of the riff-raff. An expensive bottle of single malt whiskey or a box of fine Cuban cigars will do nicely. This shows him that not only do you respect him, but that you’re also able to easily smuggle contraband into the facility. He will probably thank you for pointing out flaws in the system and helping him learn to run his business more efficiently. He might even make you co-warden.
  3. When your having your tete-a-tete with the warden, set a couple of things straight. Tell him that you understand that you’re entitled to “three hots and a cot”. Then tell him that you are negotiable on that. Listen, a lot of these cells have bunk beds. Tell him that you’ll take “two hots and two cots”. You can always just have some cereal or a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. Just a little something in your belly to get you going for the day. More importantly, you just scored yourself a private suite. Which already makes you statistically far less likely to get raped. At least during lockdown.
  4. After getting settled in your new digs, make your way out into the prison yard. This is where all your potential new best friends are going to be congregating. There will be Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, Aryan Nation, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Trekkies, Barbershop Quartets, and more. This will be one of the most important decisions you will make during your stay. Take your time to get to know them all before you pick a side. Don’t be hasty. Let the gangs woo you. Who is offering the best overall package in the hopes of winning your affections? Who offers the most protection? What particular gangs colors are most flattering on you? I’d totally choose the Crips, because a blue ‘do rag would really make my eyes pop.
  5. Don’t pick the Barbershop Quartet. That shit get’s old fast. You’ll thank me upon your release.
  6. A lot of people say you should go up to the biggest, toughest guy in the yard and pop him right in the snotlocker to show him you mean business. I personally think that is a reckless strategy. I know you’re in pretty good shape, but that dude is huge. He would tear you apart, and I would hate to see that happen. So I suggest avoiding that guy, for safety sake.
  7. Try to get one of the good jobs in the prison. Hopefully you discussed this with the warden already, because I forgot to tell you to mention it during your sitdown. If you could get something in the cafeteria, that would be good. Not only does it help prevent people doing gross things to your food, but you also get to do gross things to other people’s food. A job in the workshop will allow you to make shivs and other weapons for protection, as well as to sell your extra shivs and weapons to other inmates for a profit. Or maybe you can get a gig at the prison Apple Store. Technology is fun.
  8. Never, under any circumstances, ask the warden how he could be so obtuse. You’ll regret it.
  9. Don’t take a shower.
  10. Ever.

With these handy hints, you should have no trouble not only assimilating into a comfortable life of responsibility free incarceration, but you have greatly increased you’re chances of living to tell about it.

Maybe you could even write a blog about it.

Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Comedy, Humor, Humour, Movies and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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