Resume Writing For Dummies -AKA- Play To Your Strengths, Kid

Hey pigeon, tell them I can’t do weekends.

I was recently laid off from my job after 13 years. No, don’t feel bad for me. That place sucked. Every day when I went in there, I felt a little piece of my soul die. Which is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of having to find a job. I hear that nowadays people write their work experience and qualifications down on pieces of fine parchment with a stick dipped in ox blood. Then they affix the parchment to the leg of a carrier pigeon with twine. The pigeon flies the information from employer to employer touting the applicants various skills, in return for a fistful of birdseed. Unfortunately, I do not own pigeons anymore. Not after the great diphtheria scare of ’04. Although I do still have an obscene amount of ox blood left. Maybe I’ll put it up for sale on Craigslist.

So I have been compiling my strengths in order to make a resume that will kick a prospective employer in the face with its incredibleness.

Possible Resume Strengths

1.  I speak pretty fucking good English. That is a major selling point nowadays if you are looking to obtain employment in England, or any of her occupied territories. I live in New England, so that’s gotta translate somehow.
2.  I’m well versed in pop culture. So if Hasbro Games, makers of Trivial Pursuit, sees this, call me.
3.  Do they still make Trivial Pursuit? I should have researched that before calling out Hasbro Games. Apologies to the Hasbro family, and also to the ones they love. If Trivial Pursuit is no more, I could also help with Swear Words With Friends.
4. I have seen every episode of Arrested Development, dozens of times. So if any Fortune 500 company is looking for someone to head up their Bluth Division, I’m your man.
5.  I was raised to not steal lunches from the refrigerator. It’s just how I was taught to live my life. My mother always stressed this point to me growing up. She would say, “Billy, that’s not you lunch sweetheart, don’t be a dick”. Although she never said anything about desserts, and I do love dessert. You should know not to leave cheesecake in a community fridge. That’s just plain irresponsible on your part.
6. While never an actual officially licensed member of “The Babysitters Club“, I was a back-up, on-call, emergency response babysitter between October 1984 and June 1985. While I haven’t kept my credentials current, I’m pretty sure I can still handle a stupid beautiful baby. Babies still like Haagen-Dazs ice cream and horror movies, right? I thought so. Because who doesn’t?
7. I can count pretty high. I don’t want to brag about it, because it’s not my style. But I can easily count into the high three figures with minimal help from my fingers and toes. I can also recite the alphabet in Spanish. Yeah, that is pretty  “el awesome”
8.  I am not offended by you being offended by me not being offended by you. Like the Bible says I shouldn’t be.
9.  I take the best naps out of anyone I know, and I know a bunch of people.
10.  I can Google shit like a pro, and that’s short for professional.

Yeah, it’s all pretty impressive.

So when do I start?