I was recently laid off from my job after 13 years. No, don’t feel bad for me. That place sucked. Every day when I went in there, I felt a little piece of my soul die. Which is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of having to find a job. I hear that nowadays people write their work experience and qualifications down on pieces of fine parchment with a stick dipped in ox blood. Then they affix the parchment to the leg of a carrier pigeon with twine. The pigeon flies the information from employer to employer touting the applicants various skills, in return for a fistful of birdseed. Unfortunately, I do not own pigeons anymore. Not after the great diphtheria scare of ’04. Although I do still have an obscene amount of ox blood left. Maybe I’ll put it up for sale on Craigslist.
So I have been compiling my strengths in order to make a resume that will kick a prospective employer in the face with its incredibleness.
Possible Resume Strengths
- I speak pretty fucking good English. That is a major selling point nowadays if you are looking to obtain employment in England, or any of her occupied territories. I live in New England, so that’s gotta translate somehow.
- I’m well versed in pop culture. So if Hasbro Games, makers of Trivial Pursuit, sees this, call me.
- Do they still make Trivial Pursuit? I should have researched that before calling out Hasbro Games. Apologies to the Hasbro family, and also to the ones they love. If Trivial Pursuit is no more, I could also help with Swear Words With Friends.
- I have seen every episode of Arrested Development, dozens of times. So if any Fortune 500 company is looking for someone to head up their Bluth Division, I’m your man.
- I was raised to not steal lunches from the refrigerator. It’s just how I was taught to live my life. My mother always stressed this point to me growing up. She would say, “Billy, that’s not you lunch sweetheart, don’t be a dick”. Although she never said anything about desserts, and I do love dessert. You should know not to leave cheesecake in a community fridge. That’s just plain irresponsible on your part.
- While never an actual officially licensed member of “The Babysitters Club“, I was a back-up, on-call, emergency response babysitter between October 1984 and June 1985. While I haven’t kept my credentials current, I’m pretty sure I can still handle a stupid beautiful baby. Babies still like Haagen-Dazs ice cream and horror movies, right? I thought so. Because who doesn’t?
- I can count pretty high. I don’t want to brag about it, because it’s not my style. But I can easily count into the high three figures with minimal help from my fingers and toes. I can also recite the alphabet in Spanish. Yeah, that is pretty “el awesome”
- I am not offended by you being offended by me not being offended by you. Like the Bible says I shouldn’t be.
- I take the best naps out of anyone I know, and I know a bunch of people.
- I can Google shit like a pro, and that’s short for professional.
Yeah, it’s all pretty impressive.
So when do I start?