Voorhees A Jolly Good Fellow

Oh, what might have been.

Jason Voorhees is quite possibly the most prolific serial killer in the history of the modern world.

He is also the most misunderstood.

He was just a kid who loved to swim. His dream was to be the next great American Olympic hero. He idolized Johnny Weissmuller and his incredible performance in the 1924 Paris games, as all young boys in the 1950’s did. Much the same way you constantly hear all the kids today going on and on about Mark Spitz and his record-breaking performance at the 1972 Munich games. Just like kids in 30 years will be all batshit crazy over Michael Phelps. Kids have always loved history and men in speedo’s. Dreams of Olympic glory drove a young Jason Voorhees to train almost non-stop. Up before dawn, shaving his chest, applying vaseline, and doing laps and whatever else it is that swimmers do. Constantly striving to knock a few milliseconds off his butterfly stroke. He was probably one of the most dedicated boys you could ever meet But you never hear about that. You just hear about the mass murders. Damn mainstream media! If those camp counselors had just been paying attention and doing the job they were hired to do, instead of sucking face and finger banging, little Jason Voorhees wouldn’t have died in Crystal Lake. That is a fact. Naturally his mother flips out, like any loving mother would, and starts violently slaughtering all these punk kids that have led to the untimely demise of her beautifully buoyant baby boy. I get it. Children need to be reprimanded when they do wrong. They need to learn boundaries.

So after handling these shiftless layabouts but good, the last surviving broad cuts Jason’s beloved mommies head off. When all Mrs. V. was doing was looking out for her kid. Where’s the outrage, people? What the hell else is Jason supposed to do except to exact revenge on everybody everywhere forever? That’s what I’d do. It sure as shit is what Johnny Weissmuller would have done, and that dude was Tarzan.

People stopped calling it “Camp Crystal Lake” and started calling it “Camp Blood“, and teenagers still went there. Serves them right, stupid teenagers. Too sexy for their own good. Instead of “Camp Blood” they should have called it “Camp Horny Counselors Let Innocent Children Die, Thereby Deserving What They Get”. I understand why they didn’t. It’s kind of wordy, but I believe in truth in advertising.

Listen, before you get all, “Bill, I can’t believe you’re actually defending a psychotic axe murderer” on me,  stop it. Jason had a machete, not an axe. You sound foolish. Sure he might have used an axe now and again, but to call him an “axe murderer” is kind of demeaning to all of us. Do a little research before you go attacking a defenseless serial killer, would you? The psychotic part might be right, but as I’ve already eloquently stated, that was out of love for his mom. An act of passion, if you will.

Now I can’t defend everything that Jason Voorhees has done. The burlap sack mask he wore in Friday the 13th Part II was quite a fashion faux pas. He totally should have killed Corey Feldman when he had the chance, as well as Corey Haim. I know Corey Haim wasn’t in any of the Friday the 13th movies, but I’m sure he was hanging around the set with Feldman, eating all the craft services. Those two were inseparable back then. I’m just saying the opportunity was probably there, so why not take it?

I firmly believe that Jason never should have attempted to take Manhattan. That was just a poorly thought out strategy, as anyone who has taken the time to read up on the Great Muppet Fiasco could attest to. First off, Jason Voorhees was a country boy. He loved the simpler things, like swimming and retribution. He was ill prepared for the hustle and bustle of New York City. If I was there I would have told him, “Don’t go, big fella. That city’s gonna eat you up and spit you out”. Of course, he wouldn’t have understood me because he was insane with rage over the loss of his mother and he was hungry for blood. But that would be my fault, not his. I should know better than to confront him like that. Nobody likes confrontation.  Also, the big city is really expensive to live in. I don’t know what the rent was on that decrepit shack in the woods he was residing in, but I’m sure it was way more affordable than even the smallest of studio apartments in Manhattan. That’s just good ol’ dollars and sense.

I also don’t think he should have gone into outer space, but that was not of his doing, so it’s unfair to criticize him for that. He was cryogenically frozen and transported, most likely against his will. But like he has always done, he made the best out of a bad situation. He played the hand he was dealt. He didn’t piss and moan about getting a “raw deal” He picked himself up by his bootstraps and killed his way across the universe, like Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Tom Hanks, and the rest of them astronaut guys.

But I totally agree that he had to fight Freddy Krueger, because that dude was a dick. All touching kids, and what not. That guy gave me nightmares.

So just remember the next time you find yourself face to face with a masked man with a machete who has been chasing you through the woods without ever breaking into a trot:

Maybe he just misses his mommy.