See guys, it IS wicked windy out.

Hurricane Sandy is working its way up the Atlantic coast. Weather forecasters are anticipating a perfect storm, the likes of which we have not seen since that one time George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg went fishing together. To help you prepare for this almost certain catastrophe of biblical proportions, I have compiled a hurricane checklist for you. Now, some of these might seem obvious. Some of them might seem ridiculous. But all none of them are necessary steps to take to avoid certain death or discomfort.

  1. Make sure that you go to the supermarket and stock up on perishables. Milk, meats, seafood, ice creams and what not. You don’t want the power to go out and not have $300 worth of food spoiling in your refrigerator. That would be wasteful.
  2. While at the store make sure to buy enough D batteries. If the power does go out, you’ll need flashlights to entertain yourself with shadow puppets, like the pioneers used to do.. Also get some extra 9-volt batteries to power all your iPhones, laptops, and such. Imagine not being able to get on Facebook? All those hurricane related e-cards that you’ll miss. That would suck for you.
  3. At the height of the storm, DO NOT climb to the tallest tree you can find and loudly challenge Mother Nature to “show me what you got, bitch”. Unless you’re trying to impress a chick. Because the ladies love stupidity.
  4. Make sure to check in on your elderly neighbors during the storm. Some of them might not have any family around who would notice any of their valuables missing.
  5. During the storm, do not go to the beach, because it is dangerous there. Unless you are a reporter going to the beach to tell other people not to go to the beach because it is dangerous there. Because it is dangerous there. Unless you’re being filmed for television. Then it’s okay.
  6. Don’t forget to drink your face off. Remember, a hurricane can’t kill you if your drunk.Fact.
  7. Never go fishing with Clooney and Wahlberg.

3 responses »

  1. billmcmorrow says:

    You may call her whatever you like my good man. Has there ever been a person with a more fitting name than Dick Cheney?

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