How To Succeed In Prison Without Really Trying

Alright fellas, who wants to woo me?

I love prison.

No, that’s not right. I don’t love prison, I love prison movies.

I’ve never actually been to prison, so I don’t know if I’d love it. Unless you count the many hours I’ve spent watching The Shawshank Redemption and Locked Up Abroad as being equivalent to real incarceration. Which you shouldn’t and probably won’t, because you’re such a stickler for detail. I’ve always admired that about you, but have never told you before, most likely due to my own insecurities. I also like your bangs.

You’re welcome.

I think that I probably wouldn’t love prison because it seems like a violent place where the next graphic manhandling is always right around the corner. But due to the influx of all the movies and television shows dedicated to the glamorous world of maximum security penitentiaries, sometimes I think that I might really enjoy it.

So I have been doing some work compiling a list of things to remember if I ever do find myself a part of the ever-growing private prison industry in America. Which, to be honest might happen. They need to keep those things full, and keep the economy stimulated. I heard they might even institute a prisoner draft where all citizens will face random mandatory sentences from 30 days to life. It’ll be a game show on TLC. But that’s just a rumour I’m starting.

Listen, I’m not selfish. I’m willing to share this wealth of knowledge with people. More importantly, I’m willing to share it with you.

Helpful Hints For Getting Along In The Joint

1. Prison can be a tough place, it helps to get yourself set up as nicely as possible from the get go. Make it a point to set up a one on one “Getting To Know You” meeting with the warden on the first day. This may seem like a difficult thing to accomplish, but with a little tenacity and some old-fashioned rugged charm, it can be done. Remind the guards that this is a taxpayer-funded institution and that you are, or once were, a taxpayer. So chop-chop!!
2. Try to bring something nice for the warden, to show him that you’re not a barbarian, like the rest of the riff-raff. An expensive bottle of single malt whiskey or a box of fine Cuban cigars will do nicely. This shows him that not only do you respect him, but that you’re also able to easily smuggle contraband into the facility. He will probably thank you for pointing out flaws in the system and helping him learn to run his business more efficiently. He might even make you co-warden.
3. When your having your tete-a-tete with the warden, set a couple of things straight. Tell him that you understand that you’re entitled to “three hots and a cot”. Then tell him that you are negotiable on that. Listen, a lot of these cells have bunk beds. Tell him that you’ll take “two hots and two cots”. You can always just have some cereal or a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. Just a little something in your belly to get you going for the day. More importantly, you just scored yourself a private suite. Which already makes you statistically far less likely to get raped. At least during lockdown.
4. After getting settled in your new digs, make your way out into the prison yard. This is where all your potential new best friends are going to be congregating. There will be Bloods, Crips, Latin Kings, Aryan Nation, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Trekkies, Barbershop Quartets, and more. This will be one of the most important decisions you will make during your stay. Take your time to get to know them all before you pick a side. Don’t be hasty. Let the gangs woo you. Who is offering the best overall package in the hopes of winning your affections? Who offers the most protection? What particular gangs colors are most flattering on you? I’d totally choose the Crips, because a blue ‘do rag would really make my eyes pop.
5. Don’t pick the Barbershop Quartet. That shit get’s old fast. You’ll thank me upon your release.
6. A lot of people say you should go up to the biggest, toughest guy in the yard and pop him right in the snotlocker to show him you mean business. I personally think that is a reckless strategy. I know you’re in pretty good shape, but that dude is huge. He would tear you apart, and I would hate to see that happen. So I suggest avoiding that guy, for safety sake.
7. Try to get one of the good jobs in the prison. Hopefully you discussed this with the warden already, because I forgot to tell you to mention it during your sitdown. If you could get something in the cafeteria, that would be good. Not only does it help prevent people doing gross things to your food, but you also get to do gross things to other people’s food. A job in the workshop will allow you to make shivs and other weapons for protection, as well as to sell your extra shivs and weapons to other inmates for a profit. Or maybe you can get a gig at the prison Apple Store. Technology is fun.
8. Never, under any circumstances, ask the warden how he could be so obtuse. You’ll regret it.
9. Don’t take a shower.
10. Ever.

With these handy hints, you should have no trouble not only assimilating into a comfortable life of responsibility free incarceration, but you have greatly increased you’re chances of living to tell about it.

Maybe you could even write a blog about it.