Newsflash: Your True Love Is A Dick

Merry Christmas, Bitch.

Every year around Christmas time, someone writes an updated fiscal report on how much The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost in todays dollars. One that I read this year states that all these gifts would run around $107,000. That seems a little pricey to me. Are they buying this stuff from Brookstone or Skymall? I think that these horribly outdated gifts could be purchased or stolen for a fraction of that cost. I would like to share this with you, in case you were hoping to alienate your true love this holiday season.

I’ve never been a big fan of the Twelve Days of Christmas. That’s way too many presents for one person to get for somebody. I’m not even taking into account that there’s actually twelve partridges in twelve pear trees by the time the song is done,because gifts get repeated like some ADD induced nightmare. Just based on the gift choices alone, the person giving the presents sounds like a psychopath, not a true love . I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but like half of these presents are birds. Partridges, turtle doves, french hens, calling birds, geese-a-laying, swans-a-swimming. Nobody needs to have that many birds. Not even people who are fucking crazy for birds. Well, maybe those people do, but as I said, they’re fucking crazy. If your true love really wants a bird, just get them a parakeet. Maybe two parakeets, but that’s it. No more than two. A whack job with an apartment full of birds is unacceptable in a civilized society. That’s how the avian flu starts. There’s so much poop everywhere that the stench is horrific , and the noise is going to draw complaints from your neighbors. So, two parakeets it is.

Nobody needs eight maids a milking. At least not in this day and age. Unless they own a farm. Milk has been readily available at your local convenience store for decades now. You don’t even need an old-timey milkman delivering glass bottles to your door, and seducing your wife with his handlebar moustache and promises of “all the cream she can handle”. Plus, the overhead involved with employing eight ladies to milk cows so you can have fresh warm milk for your morning bowl of cereal is astounding. Salary, health care, workers comp insurance, etc. Not to mention that fresh warm milk is fucking chunky and gross. How’s about a little homogenization?

Nine ladies dancing and ten lords a leaping? Are we celebrating Christmas, or is Lady Gaga filming a new music video? This portion of the gift is just horrible. Do you even have enough refreshments to offer to that many dancers? Granted, dancers don’t eat much, but you’re still going to have to offer them appetizers. Maybe a Fresca or something. You’ll also need to buy a whole bunch of talcum powder. Dancers go through talcum powder like it’s cocaine. That adds up. So if you need dancing and leaping for Christmas, I suggest you get liquored up and do it yourself. Drunk dancing in front of the Christmas tree is fun. As an added bonus, it will also help you work off all those sweets you’ve been cramming down your gullet since Thanksgiving. Nobody needs that much pie.

As for the twelve drummers drumming, and the eleven pipers piping? Fuck that noise. It’s just way too loud. You know that you can just sample drum and flute tracks off the internet, right? Wait, is a pipe a flute? I feel like it is. Anyways, why pay a shitload of studio musicians money to travel to your house, steal all of your prescription medication, and most likely clog up your toilet? Just loop some drum and pipe, or possibly flute tracks, and freestyle rap battle your Christmas away. That would be hella dope. As the kids say. Ten years ago.

Which leaves us with golden rings. Out of all of the “gifts” of Christmas, this seems like the only one that someone would open up and not think, “This sucks Christmas balls”. You never want to have someone say that when they open your gift, trust me. It stings. Now, five golden rings might be a little excessive. One gold ring would probably suffice. If you feel the need to go overboard, maybe you could pair it up with some earrings, or a necklace, or perhaps a nice brooch. Do ladies still wear brooches? No matter, you’ve already purchased the rings and I’m pretty sure they are non refundable. Maybe if you had bought them at a reputable jeweler instead of that guy you buy your weed from, you could bring them back. But that dude is a total dick and I know he wouldn’t do it. He has no sense of customer service. I mean, he takes like forever to answer his beeper. Even when you use the “emergency code”.

Well, you live, you learn….Hopefully.

Or you die from the bird flu.