Don Draper NY

This year, I’m gonna be this dude.

A new year has arrived. A time to change everything in your life and become the incredibly healthy and succesful human being you were meant to be. People make all types of drunken promises to themselves about improving their lives, such as….

“I’m going to start hitting the gym” is one of the most common resolutions people make. “I really want those six-pack abs I keep hearing about in the men’s magazines and random bath houses. I’m going to sign up for a gym membership, then go there everyday and sweat my way to a beautiful body, thereby making myself more attractive to the opposite and/or same-sex.” Then you see that leftover cheesecake in the fridge. It can be hard to accomplish your stated goal when you’re balls deep in cheesecake. I don’t like the gym. In fact the only way I would hit the gym, is if my name was Jim, and then it would just be a euphemism for masturbation. “Man I’m so tired and sore. I hit the Jim like four times today.”

“I’m quitting smoking” – This is another popular resolution. Quitting smoking is something you should do. Or is it? Once upon a time I would have agreed, but have you watched Mad Men? These gentlemen are captains of industry, and they smoke constantly while making crazy money. So maybe you should keep smoking and perhaps drink a lot more scotch. Then you can be one of the big players in this game called life. Like Don Draper, or Dick Whitman. Plus it makes you look so damn cool!

“I’m quitting drinking” – See “I’m quitting smoking”

“I’m going to stop swearing” – That’s fucking ridiculous. You’ll never be able to function as a valuable member of society if you can’t pepper up your vocabulary with some choice vulgarities from time to time. What if you get stuck in traffic, or kidnapped, or you’re just really happy? How do you express any emotion without using the word fuck? That’s right, you fucking can’t! So maybe instead of not swearing, you should focus on swearing even more just to show everybody that you can handle yourself. Let those people know you got some fucking class, for fuck sake!

The only New Year’s resolution you should make is “No more New Year’s resolutions. Listen, if you want to change your life, change it. You don’t need a special day on the calendar to better yourself. You can do the same thing on February 12th or April 6th or August 20th. Why waste time waiting for a new year when this one is happening now? If you want to do something, do it. Don’t resolve, just evolve.

Can I get a “Fuck, Yeah”?

21 responses »

  1. Adam S says:

    Fuck yeah! Cheers to Scotch and Ciggies!

  2. Fuck yeah! You got it from me. I like that, don’t resolve, evolve. I agree. Happy New Year, Bill!

  3. denmother says:

    What the fuck. Happy New Year!

  4. free penny press says:

    I don’t do resolutions because if I stuck to everything I said i was stopping, I’d be a pile of jello (tee-hee)..

    Happy New Year to you Bill!!!
    (raises a glass as I nibble a bon-bon while holding a smoke in my left hand 😉

  5. maryisidra says:

    A little late but I’m in. Fuck, Yes!!! Vodka and Pall mall in hand Happy New Year from a New Follower in Alabama…

  6. Well you can’t change on March 28th, which is not only my birthday, but’s is also national “something on a stick” day (http://www.holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/March/somethingstickday.htm)

    We used to put Lordous Delion on a stick and laugh when I was in Jr High…..and now I know why it was funny.

    Swearing is only swearing if you say FUCK in a mean & angry way. Like “Fuck off, you jerk – today is something on a stick day, not get in my fucking face day” – but just saying “FUCK YEAH!” for happy reasons (like putting Lordous on a stick) is not swearing.

    My son (aged 10) said he has a New Year’s Revolution… I’m going with that instead.

  7. twindaddy says:

    Fuck yeah!! I just posted pretty much the same thing.

  8. Dear Bill,
    You are my favorite blogger, but please don’t tell anyone except Le Clown that I said so.
    Happy New Year!
    Stacie

  9. FUCK YEAH! My resolution is to look like Joan from Mad Men…

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