A new year has arrived. A time to change everything in your life and become the incredibly healthy and succesful human being you were meant to be. People make all types of drunken promises to themselves about improving their lives, such as….
“I’m going to start hitting the gym” is one of the most common resolutions people make. “I really want those six-pack abs I keep hearing about in the men’s magazines and random bath houses. I’m going to sign up for a gym membership, then go there everyday and sweat my way to a beautiful body, thereby making myself more attractive to the opposite and/or same-sex.” Then you see that leftover cheesecake in the fridge. It can be hard to accomplish your stated goal when you’re balls deep in cheesecake. I don’t like the gym. In fact the only way I would hit the gym, is if my name was Jim, and then it would just be a euphemism for masturbation. “Man I’m so tired and sore. I hit the Jim like four times today.”
“I’m quitting smoking” – This is another popular resolution. Quitting smoking is something you should do. Or is it? Once upon a time I would have agreed, but have you watched Mad Men? These gentlemen are captains of industry, and they smoke constantly while making crazy money. So maybe you should keep smoking and perhaps drink a lot more scotch. Then you can be one of the big players in this game called life. Like Don Draper, or Dick Whitman. Plus it makes you look so damn cool!
“I’m quitting drinking” – See “I’m quitting smoking”
“I’m going to stop swearing” – That’s fucking ridiculous. You’ll never be able to function as a valuable member of society if you can’t pepper up your vocabulary with some choice vulgarities from time to time. What if you get stuck in traffic, or kidnapped, or you’re just really happy? How do you express any emotion without using the word fuck? That’s right, you fucking can’t! So maybe instead of not swearing, you should focus on swearing even more just to show everybody that you can handle yourself. Let those people know you got some fucking class, for fuck sake!
The only New Year’s resolution you should make is “No more New Year’s resolutions. Listen, if you want to change your life, change it. You don’t need a special day on the calendar to better yourself. You can do the same thing on February 12th or April 6th or August 20th. Why waste time waiting for a new year when this one is happening now? If you want to do something, do it. Don’t resolve, just evolve.
Can I get a “Fuck, Yeah”?