The Birds

Merry Christmas, Bitch.

Every year around Christmas time, someone writes an updated fiscal report on how much The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost in todays dollars. One that I read this year states that all these gifts would run around $107,000. That seems a little pricey to me. Are they buying this stuff from Brookstone or Skymall? I think that these horribly outdated gifts could be purchased or stolen for a fraction of that cost. I would like to share this with you, in case you were hoping to alienate your true love this holiday season.

I’ve never been a big fan of the Twelve Days of Christmas. That’s way too many presents for one person to get for somebody. I’m not even taking into account that there’s actually twelve partridges in twelve pear trees by the time the song is done,because gifts get repeated like some ADD induced nightmare. Just based on the gift choices alone, the person giving the presents sounds like a psychopath, not a true love . I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but like half of these presents are birds. Partridges, turtle doves, french hens, calling birds, geese-a-laying, swans-a-swimming. Nobody needs to have that many birds. Not even people who are fucking crazy for birds. Well, maybe those people do, but as I said, they’re fucking crazy. If your true love really wants a bird, just get them a parakeet. Maybe two parakeets, but that’s it. No more than two. A whack job with an apartment full of birds is unacceptable in a civilized society. That’s how the avian flu starts. There’s so much poop everywhere that the stench is horrific , and the noise is going to draw complaints from your neighbors. So, two parakeets it is.

Nobody needs eight maids a milking. At least not in this day and age. Unless they own a farm. Milk has been readily available at your local convenience store for decades now. You don’t even need an old-timey milkman delivering glass bottles to your door, and seducing your wife with his handlebar moustache and promises of “all the cream she can handle”. Plus, the overhead involved with employing eight ladies to milk cows so you can have fresh warm milk for your morning bowl of cereal is astounding. Salary, health care, workers comp insurance, etc. Not to mention that fresh warm milk is fucking chunky and gross. How’s about a little homogenization?

Nine ladies dancing and ten lords a leaping? Are we celebrating Christmas, or is Lady Gaga filming a new music video? This portion of the gift is just horrible. Do you even have enough refreshments to offer to that many dancers? Granted, dancers don’t eat much, but you’re still going to have to offer them appetizers. Maybe a Fresca or something. You’ll also need to buy a whole bunch of talcum powder. Dancers go through talcum powder like it’s cocaine. That adds up. So if you need dancing and leaping for Christmas, I suggest you get liquored up and do it yourself. Drunk dancing in front of the Christmas tree is fun. As an added bonus, it will also help you work off all those sweets you’ve been cramming down your gullet since Thanksgiving. Nobody needs that much pie.

As for the twelve drummers drumming, and the eleven pipers piping? Fuck that noise. It’s just way too loud. You know that you can just sample drum and flute tracks off the internet, right? Wait, is a pipe a flute? I feel like it is. Anyways, why pay a shitload of studio musicians money to travel to your house, steal all of your prescription medication, and most likely clog up your toilet? Just loop some drum and pipe, or possibly flute tracks, and freestyle rap battle your Christmas away. That would be hella dope. As the kids say. Ten years ago.

Which leaves us with golden rings. Out of all of the “gifts” of Christmas, this seems like the only one that someone would open up and not think, “This sucks Christmas balls”. You never want to have someone say that when they open your gift, trust me. It stings. Now, five golden rings might be a little excessive. One gold ring would probably suffice. If you feel the need to go overboard, maybe you could pair it up with some earrings, or a necklace, or perhaps a nice brooch. Do ladies still wear brooches? No matter, you’ve already purchased the rings and I’m pretty sure they are non refundable. Maybe if you had bought them at a reputable jeweler instead of that guy you buy your weed from, you could bring them back. But that dude is a total dick and I know he wouldn’t do it. He has no sense of customer service. I mean, he takes like forever to answer his beeper. Even when you use the “emergency code”.

Well, you live, you learn….Hopefully.

Or you die from the bird flu.

20 responses »

  1. Great Christmas post. Last line of this piece is comedy perfection.

  2. This just cracked me up, Bill. I must say I’ve never examined the song this way and will never think of it the same way again. Yes, that would be a lot of musicians in your house. Drunk dancing in front of the xmas tree would be so much more fun. And, so many birds. Birds scare me, hardly a gift! Merry Christmas, Bill! Have a great one.

  3. SocietyRed says:

    Loving your blog you crazy fucker.
    Happy holidays!
    Red

  4. mairedubhtx says:

    If you think the English 12 days of Christmas is strange, I just read a New Zealand 12 days of Christmas at http://wp.me/p1owN3-1Iw. Now THAT was bizarre.

  5. twindaddy says:

    Your dealer sells jewelry, too? You lucky bastard.

  6. Hahaha, I would so fucking prefer that one.

  7. stephrogers says:

    This was so funny. Here’s the Australian 12 days of Christmas
    http://alldownunder.com/australian-music-songs/twelve-days-of-christmas.htm
    Have you ever seen an emu? There’s no way it’s getting up a gumtree without significant assistance.

  8. I’m way too hung over from too much Christmas cheer to write anything funny, so I’ll let you be that guy. Thanks for being that guy, Bill, today and every day. Also, thanks for totally destroying my dream of someday getting a goose that lays golden eggs filled with warm, chunky, Peppermint Schapps-laced milk from my true love. Yeah, that too.

  9. hollybernabe says:

    Yanno, I always thought that Twelve Days of Christmas song was stupid. I mean, how on earth do you give away lords and ladies? Aren’t they autonomous? Or are they broke noblemen and noblewomen who hire out? If they know how to clean my toilet, that might be good. Other than that, why would I even want them?

    Your take on this song is spot on. Kudos. 🙂

  10. Vagina says:

    See…you get me Bill…You really get me!! There is a serious problem in this country when people start thinking that buying a shit ton of nasty birds and giving them away at Christmas time is acceptable! It’s NOT!! And I am a girl that likes gifts Bill! I like a gift!! preferably when it is shiny. So to be honest…you can keep your fucking gold rings, because if they don’t have some kind of sparkle….they can suck my vagina. I mean….not literally! but yeah….First people start taking “christ” out of “christmas”…and now they want to give you nasty birds!!! what the FUCK! Just because of the “christ”…”christmas” fiasco that is sweeping the nation, I decided to start saying Merry Christpoo!! That way you can make everybody happy. No more worrying that they are offended. So Bill…Merry Christpoo to you my friend!

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