A Child’s Guide To Hitch Hiking Safety

I feel that I need to preface this post with an important announcement.
Hitch hiking is maybe the coolest thing you can ever do in your life. If you have children, I strongly encourage you to get them hitch hiking as early as possible. Obviously not too young, because they’re going to have to be able to articulate their intended destination to any prospective drivers who happen to see your precious child alone on the street and think, “Mmmm, I’m taking that kid.” So they should probably be at least four or five before you let them thumb.

But the benefits to both you and them are countless. They never need you to take them anywhere so you’ll have a whole bunch of free time. You deserve it, you look like you could use a nap. You can send them to the store for stuff like booze and smokes, just make sure you give them a note. Plus they’ll just seem like a cooler person to their peers. Which makes you a cooler parent. I know this might come as a shock to some people, but it’s true.

The real life lessons a child learns whilst hitchhiking are immeasurable on their development. It’s just them and the road, man. Planning out routes and destinations in their head using basic geometry and advanced quantum physics, on the fly. Running from the fuzz equals physical education. They learn Criminal Law by coming into close , hopefully not too close, physical contact with serial killers, and even just some first time impulse killers who’ve never even thought of murdering somebody before, until they had them trapped in their car. That’s what power locks are for, bitches. You would learn that in Auto Shop.

Hitchhiking was a right of passage back in the days of transistor radios and Rubik’s cubes. Sometimes you’d need to get somewhere, like a party or a court hearing or a Faster Pussycat concert, but didn’t have a ride. So you did what any teenager did back then. You would offer your nubile young body up to the untold anonymous commuters going in your general direction. What’s the worst that could happen?

I did this numerous times in my life, and I only tell you that because I want you to think I’m brave. I want you to come to depend on me when the lights go out and the phone call comes from inside the house. I want us to have that kind of relationship. I want you to need me, as Cheap Trick kinda said. So before I continue, I just really need you to know how wonderfully brave I am. Okay? Thanks, pal.

When I used to be a beautiful younger boy with long hair and a jean jacket with a Mötley Crüe back patch and I had to get somewhere, I’d just stick out my thumb and get it done. Hopefully a carload of sweet beautiful baby ladies would pick me up and show me what’s what, but that usually didn’t happen ever even once. It was predominately hippies in vans. Hippies love to pick up hitch hikers and kidnap them and make them go to Hootie and the Blowfish concerts. They’re like a cult.

The thing about hitch hiking is that it needs to be done in a particular way. Safety is paramount when trying to get from point A to point B without getting sexed up and left for dead in that pre dug pit in the woods. Hypothetically speaking of course, you’ll probably be fully dead when they dump you.. The important thing to remember is that when you are in some random car, you are off the grid, so to speak. You could wake up and find yourself an indentured servant in a Bangladeshi whorehouse if you don’t play your cards right. So I want to help you achieve your goal of getting there without paying any travel expenses.

Hitch hiking guidelines
When choosing to hitch for the first time, it’s important to do it right. How you present yourself to a potential ride goes a long way towards securing a ride. Always walk backwards to show off your beautiful face and/or body for the people. They want to know that you’re not some psychotic lunatic hellbent on killing them and taking their 2002 Kia Sorento that they only owe fourteen payments on. It would have been less, but the credit union offers skip a payment options and they went to Disney that time, and who makes a car payment at Christmas? So show them your face. Don’t do that, “I’m walking, but I’m sticking my left thumb out without looking because I don’t really even care enough about getting a ride to do my due diligence and turn around and give the people a look-see” thing. It’s annoying.

When somebody does stop, approach the situation cautiously. The best thing to do is creep up on the driver’s side while repeatedly shouting, “Driver, show me your hands!” This lets them know that not only might you be a cop, but that you also have a sense of humor and would probably be fun on a long car ride.

Hopefully it’s only one person in the car, because not only will it be theoretically easier for you to fight off any unwanted sexual advances, but you also get to ride shotgun. That is a sweet deal right there. Mom always told me, “The front seats for big boys.” So if anyone is already occupying the front seat, you need to call “shotgun” right away. It should work if the occupants have even the most basic understanding of the Geneva Convention. If they refuse, you should still accept the ride, but you should also get the people’s names and social security numbers and file a complaint with the UN or whichever governing body has arbitration control over shotgun disputes. Maybe it’s NASCAR.
During the car ride you should drop hints about how important of a person you are. This will make them think twice about abducting you. Say things like, “Oh my father would never let anyone hurt me. He’s so rich, and he loves me so much, that he wouldn’t rest until my kidnappers were brought to justice. He owns a helicopter, so I’m not even worried about anything like that ever happening to someone like me. Plus I’m trained in like every form of martial arts known to man, plus a couple I invented by myself in my dojo on my downtime”. This will let your prospective tormentor/ best friend know that you can handle yourself when the proverbial shit goes down.

Make sure you keep a couple of gallons of water with you at all times just in case you do get abducted and locked away somewhere. Hydration is going to be very important to your survival. Plus if you don’t get abducted, you’ll have the precious life saving water that you would need to get somehow anyway. You’re already ahead of the game.

Most of all, just have fun when you’re out on the road. Enjoy the experience and try not to get all mutilated and skullfucked.

And get me some smokes on your way back.