This is really in my basement. It's not hooked up, but you can still call Santa for a dollar. Sweet Deal.

This is really in my basement. It’s not hooked up, but you can still call Santa for a dollar. Sweet Deal.


I have a house phone, or a land-line as some people still call it. I want to point out that I’m not trying to brag. I’m not trying to throw my personal possessions in your face and say, “Look at all of my treasures”. I’m just saying I have a telephone in my house. I also have an iPhone, as does my wife. That part does sound a little braggadocious, but it’s not my intention. Truthfully, I am an extremely humble boy. I’m only telling you this because I didn’t have a home phone for a long time. I really didn’t need one as I’ve had a cell phone for years. My great-great-great-grandfather always used to say,” What’s the point of paying for a home phone when you already carry a cell phone everywhere you go?” He was ahead of his time.

Then a couple of years ago, my wife and I bought a house. As we were doing all the things a person does while packing up their lives and shifting them to another destination, I had to call Comcast about cancelling our cable service. Or actually transferring our service. If you should know one thing about me, I’m tv people. Television, not transvestite. I just feel I need to stress that point, hopefully quash all those nasty rumors. While talking to the cable guy, He informed me that I was paying too much a month for my service. I wholeheartedly agreed with this gentleman’s assessment of my bill, and asked him where he’s been the past seven years that I’ve been paying too much. He said something about rescuing sickly orphans in third world countries and offering them the hope of a better life, but all I was hearing was , “You’re getting fucked, Bill”. So I quickly steered the conversation away from the boring orphans and back to my outlandish cable bill.

“What’s the deal cable guy? How can I lower my outrageous monthly cable bill to something more palatable to my current fiduciary situation?”

He said, “Well you have internet and cable tv with two HD DVR boxes and all the movie channels. If you sign up for the Xfinity Triple Play package with internet, cable, and phone service, you can save a considerable amount of money. In fact with that deal your monthly bill will drop from $220 a month down to $140 a month.”

“Holy Shit! I can save eighty bucks a month just by having more things? How is that possible? Who do I gotta blow?”

“Well sir, oral sex is not necessary, although it does make a nice tip for the field technicians. The thing is, Comcast is trying to expand their phone service so with the bundled package it really makes it an attractive offer”, was the reply.

So naturally, we signed up for the triple play and got a phone.

But here’s the thing, we never use it. Well I shouldn’t say never. If we can’t find our iPhones, we use the house phone to locate them. That’s it. I don’t know my home phone number off-hand. I have to look on my iPhone to find it. I’ve never given the number out to anyone.

But sometimes this phone rings, and it’s annoying. Sometimes it rings at night and it’s horrifying. Maybe not horrifying. That might be too strong. I’m not physically scared of the thing. I’m a grown boy. I’m pretty much not scared of anything when the lights are on and my wife is home. It does spook me though.  Who is calling us?! It can’t be anyone that I care to speak to. When the phone does ring, the number pops up on the television and I never recognize any of them. I wish they would stop. I know I put the number on the Do Not Call registry when we first got it. But apparently that doesn’t work. We have an untold amount of voice mails stockpiled in some mainframe somewhere that are just using up valuable storage space that could be better devoted to Instagram.

Every once in a while I want to answer it and yell, “How the fuck did you get this number?”, or “I have the ransom money, I just want my baby back”. But I don’t because I’m afraid the call might be coming from inside the house. Which means the killer is inside the house. I don’t want to know that the killer is in the house. I’d much prefer to just watch tv and maybe we won’t even run into each other. Maybe the killer just broke in to use my washer and dryer and isn’t even planning on killing me. Just because you kill a lot, doesn’t mean that’s all you do. You gotta have hobbies, ya know?

So this phone will continue to not be answered, and that’s fine by me.

Fucking eighty bucks a month, kid!

23 responses »

  1. C Kelleher says:

    Very well done.

    Sent from my iPad

  2. I am the opposite – I cannot STAND cell phones – and we still have a land-line and it’s hooked to the wall…AND I never know my cell phone number so it’s taped on the back of my cell phone in case someone asks me for…and I have to let them know I never turn it on… but we bundled our internet & phone (VOIP) and got Net10 phones, dropping our overpriced and never used Verison plan – to save about $90/month as well.
    And I still hate phones… A lot.

    • I’m one of those people who need to have my iPhone on me at all times. I use it for everything. Writing blogs, writing jokes, recording stand up or songs, googling everything I need to know. But I only make about 60 minutes of actual calls a month. It’s all texts. And they’re all to my wife asking where my socks are.

      • My husband calls me ALL the time with his cell phone – makes me want to rip it from his ear and hurl it into his sock drawer.

        My phone isn’t smart at all – it’s Net10 so it’s CHEAP and I don’t even text. I’m like a relic who does all these up to date things – but not with a phone. I still have an answering machine and ‘manual’ caller ID – it’s free – they listen to the message, ID themselves and I decide if I’m going to pick it up – which is 9/10 NO.

  3. $80 a month is so worth it! I know I quit Comcast and they begged me to come back. You can a sweet deal, I just didn’t feel like switching it all around again. What a pain! The killer is inside the house…hehehe…Be careful, Bill!

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    I can’t believe it took me so long to discover your blog. You are very funny. So many subtle off-beat comments in your post, that if you’re reading quickly, you’ll miss. Great writing style!

    That being said, we have a landline that sees little action as well. And when it does ring, my husband and I never answer it. But I guess it looks nice.

  5. Do I use the pound key for that? Wait, is it a pound key in Canada or do you have a kilogram key?

  6. vyvacious says:

    I was already laughing and then I read “Who do I gotta blow?” and now I’m fucking hooked!! And yes, a killer INSIDE the house calling you would be some messed up shit…but kinda funny at the same time 😛

  7. mairedubhtx says:

    I don’t get it. I have TimeWarner (the bloodsuckers) and I have the triple play of cable, internet, and home phone (which I use to locate my iPhone) and never answer except when the doctor’s office calls (the rest I don’t know who it is even though I, too, am on the do not call list) and I still pay $200 a month. What am I doing wrong? I can’t have satellite because I live in an apartment townhouse and besides I love the speed of the Internet connection. I use my iPhone for everything. I try to get my doctors to call my iPhone. Some do and some don’t. They are hard to train. Maybe I’ll try canceling the home phone and see what the change would be. Maybe it would be cheaper. Hey, you never know.

    • I don’t know about Time Warner. I mean, I know about them, I just don’t know their deal. You can call and threaten to cancel. I’ve heard that can work wonders. We thought about going to Dish or Direct TV but I don’t trust the whole satellite on a cloudy day thing. Plus they’re always dropping channels like AMC or FX. No Breaking Bad or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? No thank you!

  8. I always tip my field technicians with oral sex, and take pictures just in case that free cable I got for being such a nice person suddenly shows up as a charge on my bill.

  9. Katia says:

    Very good point about killers also having a life and hobbies outside of killing. I found it very reassuring. I believe this post should be categorized as ‘inspirational’.

  10. iRuniBreathe says:

    Nomophobia. I hope you find your socks!

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