We are about three weeks away from another end of the world prediction. Coincidentally, or maybe subconsciously not, I have been watching a veritable cornucopia of Doomsday Preppers. If you aren’t clued into all the hip stuff the kids are down with these days, let me school you, sucka.
Doomsday Preppers is a show on the National Geographic Channel, or Nat Geo as they say on the streets. It’s a show that explores the lives of people who are preparing for different catastrophes. From tornadoes, to nuclear war, to economic collapse, solar flares, meteor strikes, NHL lockouts, or whatever. These people plan to be ready when the proverbial shit goes down. Which seems pretty smart when you watch it on tv. So I want to be ready too, and I am also willing to help you get ready for the end of days. Hey, I don’t want to lose you, buddy. We’ve come to far to give up now. Plus you still owe me that back rub and I plan on collecting.
What You Need To Know To Not Die
- One of the most important things the human body needs is water. A person can’t survive without it. Thats why I refer to it as the “Essence of Life”. To ensure that you have enough clean drinking water you should stock up on cases of Coca-Cola or Pepsi or Fresca. Pretty much any soda will do. They are mostly made up of water, plus they have all kinds of additives and antibiotics that can help the human body stave of symptoms of biological warfare. There is lots of sugar in them too, which is something any crazy person patrolling the fenced in compound that they now call home can use to stay alert.
- Collecting a stockpile of foodstuffs is an important task for any serious prepper. You should try to make as many peanut butter sandwiches as you can everyday. Individually wrap the sandwiches in wet newspaper so that they wont spoil and bury them in your back yard. The easy thing to do would be to bury them all in the same hole. But that would make it very easy to lose your entire stash of deliciousness in one fell swoop if any of the kids in your neighborhood catch wind of your plan. So be smart about it and bury no more than fifty sandwiches per hole. This will keep your enemies guessing, which gives you a distinct advantage in the survival game.
- You should be prepared for a world where it’s survival of the fittest. Always carry a weapon with you. Guns, knives, nunchucks, Chinese throwing stars, bowstaffs, blowguns, tonfas, brass knuckles, rape whistles. Any of these can mean the difference between life and death. Say you come across a gang of older boys looking to make a name for themselves by giving you the business. What do you do? Well the best way to handle the situation would be to run far away and hide out until the older boys eventually get even older and die. But that separates you from your treasure trove of freshly made slightly moist peanut butter bonanza. So you should take a more proactive role and go up to the biggest older boy of the bunch, look him dead in the eye, and say, “There are no peanut butter sandwiches buried anywhere in this yard. Don’t bother looking, because you’d just be wasting precious time that could be spent on giving each other wet willies and purple nurples.” The older boy will probably thank you before he sexually assaults you, so, win/win?
- You should always have an alternate location to “bug out” to. This is preferably somewhere in a secluded setting that has fortified areas that you can keep all your valuable porno mags away from potential looters. People always worry about their food being taken, but chances are anyone that comes in to steal your dried fish and canned garbanzo beans will also want your stack of Hustler and OUI magazines too. Porn doesn’t grow on trees. To increase your odds of retaining these important written journals from civilized times, you should always keep your porno on your person. At all times. Just tuck them into your waistband and pull your shirt down over them.
- This works well, because your shirt hides the magazines, and the magazines hide your erection.