Sandwich not actual size, image enlarged to show detail

Sandwich not actual size, image enlarged to show detail

The Christmas Season is here, guys and gals. Or lady guys, if you gals prefer? What’s that? You don’t want me to call you gals or lady guys? You want to be taken seriously and therefore you insist that I call you women? Well alright then, message received women.

You are adorable.

Christmas is the time to show your family and friends how much you love them by showering them with exquisite gifts you have thoughtfully purchased for them on a high interest rate credit card.

Whether it be fine jewelery, flashy sports cars, or limited edition Beanie Babies, Christmas shopping can be expensive. In today’s economy, it’s smart to come up with other, less costly presents for your loved ones. Such as:

The Surprise Sandwich Of The Month Club

Imagine the look of joy in your family/friends/co-workers/baby mammas/daddies eyes when they open this gift. Hey, everybody gets hungry sometimes. The Surprise Sandwich Of The Month Club is the perfect gift for those people who feel the need to eat at least once every twenty-eight to thirty-one days in order to stay alive.

The club works like this: Once a month, for one full calendar year, I will show up unannounced (Surprise!!) and personally deliver one handmade sandwich to the intended recipient. The great part about this idea, besides the whole entire thing, is that you never know when the sandwich will arrive. Or for that matter what kind of sandwich it shall be.

Who doesn’t love unexpected sandwiches?

It could be a PB&J at 4:30 on a Tuesday morning, while your snug in your bed. Or a Turkey Club sandwich at 11 pm on Saturday night while you’re on a dance floor shaking your shit. It might be a foot long hoagie or maybe it’s a delicate finger sandwich. Maybe you’re allergic to some ingredients contained in a sandwich? Maybe you’re not? It’s wildly unpredictable and possibly dangerous, and that makes it totally awesome!

You will spend the majority of your waking hours thinking, “Is today Surprise Sandwich Day? I wonder what this months sandwich will consist of, and whether or not it will kill me??? Why can’t I have friends and family that aren’t so fucking cheap all the time?!?!”

That last thought was kind of harsh, and I think you owe me an apology. There are kids in some parts of the world who would go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs for a monthly sandwich delivered in a surprise fashion. Or for a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

“Here you go, starving child, have a Tuna Melt.”

“Thank you, kind and generous stranger, you have most assuredly saved my life. I am eternally indebted to you”

“You are welcome, dear child. Might I say your grasp of the English language is quite impressive.”

“Thank you, wise and magnanimous benefactor. I owe it all to Rosetta Stone

” I always wondered if that worked. Now I know. You have opened my eyes to the true beauty of the world, dear sweet sickly child… Don’t touch me.”

Then I show up the next month with a Philly cheese steak or a Cuban Pork Panini? That kid would be so happy he would lose his shit. He’d be the king of his impoverished village. He would love me forever. Or at least for a year.

Oh, but not you. Look at you going to the grocery store and buying only the finest deli meats and cheeses, just the ones that you enjoy. No liverwurst or headcheese in your shopping cart. That’s so pretentious of you. But you’ve always been like that. It’s nothing new.

Remember that one Christmas when you said you wanted that thing and I got you that other thing, and you told me you liked that other thing but the whole time you were just thinking about that first thing that you really wanted? Then you let out that sigh?

That cut me to my core. I’ve never really forgiven you for that, but I am trying to. I really am, believe me. It’s just so hard to get over something like that. You never think it could happen to you, then it does. Emotions take over and we wind up calling each other all kinds of sex words and drunkenly fighting in, around, and on top of that manger display again. Hopefully this time you’re more careful around the sweet baby Jesus. He’s only an infant for the love of his Dad. You didn’t have to break him.

Just leave Baby J alone and eat the damn sandwich already!!

Sooooo, what did you get me?

14 responses »

  1. saradraws says:

    REGIFT! Here, have a sandwich. I’m so eco, what with the recycling, etc.

  2. Hahaha, these sandwiches are non-transferable. I should have stated that. Dammit!!!

  3. Fucking HILARIOUS ~ I have so much on this blog to catch up on….

  4. Reblogged this on Bill McMorrow and commented:

    This is from last year, but there’s still time to make a dream come true this Christmas.

  5. REDdog says:

    Bill, you nut! You can’t squash re-gifting this year’s sandwich when it’s in a re-post which makes it last year’s sandwich…sheesh!

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    You really need to do this and tape the whole thing. You could be the next ‘Jackass.’ I know I’d pay to see it in the theater! (Just don’t stop at my house…)

  7. I’ve always wanted to say “Bill, you nut!” and then REDdog had to go and steal my line. Please tell your friend that he/she really shouldn’t take things that might someday belong to someone else. Especially over the holidays. “Why?” the asfarasIknow androgynous REDdog will ask. Because the cops are hanging around Orange Julius, like, in triplicate this time of the year. Duh.

    I would love to be a member of a Sandwich of the Month club but only if I could get some bologna with the cheese already built in.

  8. Stacie,
    Those are mall cops at Orange Julius, not real cops. So that shouldn’t stop you from shoplifting. Please steal me something nice. And just so you know, I use only the cheesiest of bolognas in my sandwiches. And also sometimes I spell it baloney. Because this is ‘Murica.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s