This rocket ride is gonna be super awkward, huh Kelso?

Life is hard. That’s why so many babies are wearing helmets today. If only there was a book of rules to live by to make things easier. No, not the Bible, I mean a non-fiction book of rules that doesn’t make you feel like a filthy sinner. Well not so much “rules” as helpful hints. But there’s no such book. Okay there probably is, but we need another one. If only we could find someone to write it.
Okay, calm down, I shall compile my own list of important things that everyone should know in order to not die in some stupidly tragic way that will land them on whatever new show the Spike channel is developing . Now this list will not be all-encompassing. There are more things you should know. But those will be in the “Pay to Read” section, once I either figure out how to use that, or I invent it. Man, I hope it’s already a thing. Inventing shit ain’t my strong suit. I wish it was, though. I would invent the shit out of shit, if I could invent shit. I almost invented the Snuggie one time when I put a bathrobe on backwards, but I never applied for a patent. Or filled out the proper paperwork. Or even thought about doing either of those things. But I will the next time I wear a common piece of clothing the wrong way. Believe me you. Or believe you me. Wait, who’s doing what now?

Some of the helpful hints on this list are pretty simple. Things everyone should already know. Others are more obscure and are probably less likely to be known, or followed or even considered socially acceptable. But rulemakers can’t be bothered with trivial things such as customs and applicable laws. That’s for other suckas to figure out. So let’s start with the obvious.

Don’t lick the live wires – This just make sense all around, Live wires contain electricity. Licking contains spittle. Yeah, spittle. Good word, me. Thanks, you. Me? Yes, you. Spittle conducts electricity. Henceforth, if you lick the live wires you will get electrocuted. That shit hurts. Remember that time you licked the 9-Volt battery to see if it was dead, and it was almost dead, but not quite dead? Like it was a 1-Volt? You screamed and cried and ran around like a baby. We all pointed and laughed at you good-naturedly but that only made you madder. You stormed away in a huff and we all talked about how insensitive we all were and how we should apologize to you. Maybe get you a Furby or a gift subscription to Tiger Beat magazine. Sorry buddy. Anyways, live wires contain a bit more electricity than a 9-Volt battery. So don’t do it, you fuckin’ pussy.

Look every which way before crossing the street – Conventional wisdom states to look both ways before crossing the street. I think that’s just plain lazy and dangerous. I mean you should obviously look both ways, but you should also always look behind you too. You never know when you’re gonna get Punk’d and have Ashton Kutcher or his lackey Dax Shepard push you in front of a fuckin’ Vespa. It might not kill you, but it’ll sting like a bumblebitch. Plus you might wind up looking like a douche on that channel that used to show music videos. No, Not VH1, the other one. You should always look down, because a manhole cover could fly up and smack you in your pretty mug. Water mains burst all the time, it’s a danger not to be trifled with. You should also always look up because shit’s constantly falling from the sky. What with all the satellites and space debris floating around up there from when Bruce Willis and his lackey Ashton Kutcher blew up that asteroid in Armageddon. I know it was Ben Affleck in Armageddon, but whatever. It’s a Demi Moore joke. And last but not least you should always look across the street before you cross because there might be something, or someone, over there that makes you not want to go there. Maybe a growling dog, or a terrorist, or a group of older boys. Stupid older boys always being mean, playing tricks and twisting tits. Damn you older boys!

If it looks infected, it is – Listen, I care about you. That’s why I’m trying to help you stave off this obvious painful infection. How did this even happen? Did you travel to the rainforest and get bitten by an indigenous spider and just let the wound fester for a month? How long has it been like that? Have you sought medical attention? No, I know how much it costs, even with health insurance. But you might lose your finger/hand/arm/toe/foot/leg/face/and/or genitalia if you don’t do something about that soon. Real soon. Hydrogen peroxide is your friend, liberal application is recommended. As well as salves and ointments. Antibiotics are also a good thing. If you don’t have any on hand try borrowing some from a friend. Luckily all medicines are interchangeable so there is no health risk involved. Thank you, FDA. If your friends don’t have any antibiotics or painkillers or weed, try finding a sick looking neighbor or maybe just an elderly one. They usually got the goods. Just wait until they’re asleep or out of the house or something and go all cat burglar on their houses ass. Normally I wouldn’t condone pulling a B&E, but you might really be dying by now. It looks so bad, all swollen and shit. You gotta go get that medicine, man. No, I’m not doing it, no way. Sorry but that shit is illegal. Why do you keep asking me to do it? You trying to set me up? Are you wearing a wire? Are you a cop? You know you have to tell me if you’re a cop if I ask you if you’re a cop, right? Oh, that’s not true? What are you, a lawyer?

Those are just a few of the great pieces of advice I have painstakingly researched and compiled for my book, How To Not Get Stabbed In The Face By A Drug Dealer. I know it’s also the title of this post, and you read this post and didn’t find out how to not get stabbed in the face by a drug dealer, and that must be disappointing to you. I understand, and I empathize with you. But that information will be provided in my book,How To Not Get Stabbed In The Face By A Drug Dealer, which will be available on the “Pay to Read” section. Once again, whether I ever invent and/or successfully Google such a thing. It will be right after the chapter on How To Avoid The Old Bait And Switch.

Be safe, friends.

8 responses »

  1. Gillian Colbert says:

    Excellent … loved this.

  2. clownonfire says:

    If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re quite witty.
    But I know better, fucking stoner.
    Le Clown

  3. bcataldo says:

    waiting for more, ass. No not waiting for more ass..thats why the commas are so important. I was intrigued..keep em coming..Me and the children are reading them outloud..swears and all…

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