The 70’s were a simpler time when there was no need for expensive quality licensed daycare centers. Television was the only babysitter a parent needed. You turned it on and sat your kid down, then you just left and went to Happy Hour. Or at least that’s what the “cool parents” did. (Dads words, and quotation marks)  Who cares if television neglected to cook you food or change your shitty diaper. It did you one better. It fed your mind, and changed the shitty diaper of your soul. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Sid and Marty Kroft babysat me for the better part of my early years. Their shows were constantly on in my house on our old tube tv that sat on top of our even older wood-grained console tv with built-in record player and 8-track player. Oh technology, you haven’t disappointed me yet, good sir.
The brothers Kroft insist that there were no intentional drug overtones to the shows they made. I say they must have been high as fuck. “H.R Pufnstuf, can’t do a little ’cause he can’t do enough?” Puffing stuff, really? I didn’t know what that meant as a kid, but I sure as shit do now. Hey, it’s cool with me. I think marijuana should be legalized, taxed and readily available for sale at the corner store to consenting adults and any teenager who can grow a mustache. God love ’em.. So puff that stuff, H.R…. Just don’t lie to me about it, man.

One of my favorite Kroft shows was Sigmund the Sea Monster. Remember, I was a kid. A little, stupid, grotesquely handsome kid. Whenever this show was on, I would sit transfixed in front of it, basking in its unconditional Technicolor love. Oh the adventures that we went on! The theme song went “Sigmund the sea-monster and Johnny and Scott are friends” But it should have been “Sigmund the sea-monster and Johnny and Scott and Billy are friends”, because we were. The bestest of friends that only hung out one half hour per week. Our “special” time. Just some dudes chilling, wisecrackin’, drinking some ice cold Fresca and learning some valuable life lessons. We eventually stopped hanging out, but I think it’s because they transferred to a new school district. Then I got a new phone number so they must have called my old number and when they couldn’t get in touch with me they probably thought I had died. I’m sure they were pretty shooken up about that. Pretty shooken up indeed. We were that tight….Or the show might have been canceled.

When I got older I realized that Sigmund was just a big fat bud of weed. Look at his beautiful red hairs.  I knew I liked that dude.

Oh Sid & Marty Kroft, you fooled me again.

Fuckin’ junkies.

13 responses »

  1. free penny press says:

    A big fat bud of weed..LOL.. priceless, but probably very true. I’m picturing Sid & Marty sitting around twisting a fat one saying, “yeah dude, the kids can dig that scene. film it”..
    PS- to this day, Fresca is my favorite soda..

    great read..

  2. clownonfire says:

    T.V. got a bad rep with the years.
    My wife feels like crap when we put the kids in front of Yo Gabba Gabba (take a peek at it… It’s great for parents too).
    But tv as a babysitter? Yes… It brought me Wonder Woman, Morgan Fairchild (I know, right?), Julie McCoy from the Love Boat (I know, right?) and so much more “babysitting” time…
    The Clown

    • billmcmorrow says:

      Oh sweet Julie McCoy. I was a big fan. I absolutely loved the Kroft shows, but to look back now it makes me think, “what were these fucking clowns on”. No offense to you my friend. Hahaha. We don’t have kids but I’ve been unfortunate enough to be subjected to some of the kids shows at friends houses. Just because their stupid kid isn’t mature enough to watch Game of Thrones doesn’t mean I can’t handle it!

  3. sweetmother says:

    do you remember the ‘magic garden’ – carole and paula were guitar singing, ‘friends forever’ – blame them for my lesbianism! loooooool. seriously, loved this. you had me at ‘changed the shitty diaper of your soul’. i’m still waiting for someone to change mine. 😉

  4. tracy fulks says:

    Yes, I just duded you. Holy sweet shit, Sigmund the Fucking Sea Monster! I had a total flashback, had forgotten all about that one. Love this piece, so true…between Gilligan’s Island and The Queen Mother Of All 70’s Television…right here. You’re welcome Billy blue eyes.

    • Thanks Tracy. It’s actually from last year, but I’m having some writers block so I decided to share some old shit. I absolutely loved Sigmund the Sea Monster, and his evil family used to scare the shit out of me as a younger beautiful blue eyed boy baby. I’m okay now, though. I hardly cry about them at all anymore.

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