Yeah, I wanna be this dude.

As a child I hated vegetables, or venchtibles as my brother used to call them. Hahaha, siblings.

I hated broccoli, I hated cauliflower, but most of all I hated spinach.My mother would always try to get me to eat my spinach by telling me that it would make me strong like Popeye (The sailorman, not the chicken lady) I would always argue with her, as such:

Mom: “Billy, honey, eat your spinach so you grow up to be big and strong like Popeye the Sailorman

Me: “No fucking way, ma”

Mom: “What did you just say!”

Me: “I said no fucking way ma. I don’t fucking wanna be Popeye ”

Mom: “Whaaaaaatttt?! What, pray tell, are you saying my sweet beautiful baby boy with the bluest of eyes and most sensitive of skins, who I adore more than anything in this whole wide world. Up to, and including, your father and my other children, as well as Jesus Christ, Son of God, born of The Virgin Mary, died on the cross, blah, blah, blah, Himself?”

Me: “Ma, listen to the words coming out of my face. Popeye might be strong, but he’s also creepy as shit. He’s always twitching uncontrollably, and muttering to himself unintelligibly. Dressed in the same clothes everyday, all fucking bug-eyed and shit. He’s also a transient drifter with a horrible penchant for falling in love with two-timing skanks. Olive Oyl, ma? Seriously? I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick.”

Mom: “Sweet mother of God! Wait until your father gets home!”

Me: “What’s he gonna do, ma? Punish me for not wanting to grow up to be some crazy homeless dude with open sores and a questionable, at best, military service record? Am I going to get spanked for not eating my spinach like Popeye? Who, by the way, eats that spinach through his fucking pipe. Ma! His fucking pipe! Should I just start ripping butts at the dinner table now like you and Dad do?”

Mom: “Oh Billy McMorrow, you truly are the smartest seven-year old that ever there was. Now go make momma a highball.”

End scene.

Sorry if that got a little vulgar, but that’s how sailormen talk and this blog is nothing if not accurate.

Also, Ma didn’t have a dick.

13 responses »

  1. sweetmother says:

    oooooooohhhhh, sweet lawd! ‘with a questionable military service record at best’. gorgeous. gorgeous!!!!!!!! mother was here. not yours, but you know.

  2. Mike says:

    My grammar was impressive…Remember dad

  3. ” ‘Whaaaaaatttt?’ ” kinda getting a picture of Mrs. Garrett from facts of life. (no offense intended if any taken; the lady garrett is a handsome woman in my book.)

  4. clownonfire says:

    I heard that Popeye made a comeback not too long ago in a Wilco video…
    That’s what I heard.

  5. Brother Jon says:

    How about nowadays? I didn’t like Spinach growing up…but I can have a bite or two now and again.

    And I believe Popeye was the movie that sent Robin Williams into superstardom? Right?

    • I had spinach last night and it was delicious.
      Popeye was his first big movie, although Mork & Mindy had been on TV for a couple of years by the time it came out.

  6. Vagina says:

    This is good Bill! I agree! I was friends with Olive Oyl in college and she was SKANKSVILLE!!!!….I only pull my dick out on special occasions. No need to whip that thing around unless it’s absolutely necessary you know what I mean…

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