Hello, Ladies

Ladies are virtually everywhere nowadays. It’s a proven scientific fact that most people who aren’t men are ladies. Look it up, it’s true.

Sometimes it’s hard to find a mate. That perfect lady who is willing to sell herself short and settle for someone of your questionable lineage. I get it. I mean, I’m happily married, but I was once a single boy from an upper middle lower class family looking for the love of an adequate woman. With that in mind, I have assembled a helpful guide to getting down with the obviously confused woman of your dreams.

  1. It can be very hard to find a woman who is compatible with you just by going outside your house and talking to them in public where they can see your face. That’s why God created the internet. There are all kinds of dating sites that promise to find the perfect match for you if you pay them money. That is preposterous. We all know that these ladies should be paying to hook up with you. Soon they will know it too. Signing up for one or seven of these sites can be a good way of breaking the ice with a whole bunch of teenage boys pretending to be women. That will prepare you for eventually chatting on-line with police officers pretending to be young girls.
  2. Sweet baby ladies like to talk about things that interest them. Yeah, they’re weird like that. But it works, so you should probably study up on these things. Ladies enjoy talking about things like video games, professional wrestling, fireworks, soap operas, butterfly knives, public transportation, and menstrual cycles. Boy do they love talking about menstrual cycles. If you aren’t well versed in these subjects you should check out Wikipedia. You can learn all kinds of different things on there.
  3. When you are at a restaurant with a sweet beautiful baby lady, you should always order her food for her without asking her what she wants. It makes you look classy and it can also help broaden her horizons. What if she is allergic to shellfish but doesn’t know it? She should find that stuff out. What if she doesn’t eat meat? Well, she is going to look pretty foolish with that Salisbury Steak just sitting in front of her getting all cold. She will feel compelled to eat it and finally get some much-needed protein in her diet. So it’s kind of like you are saving her life. Look at you, being a hero and what not. Chicks dig heroes.
  4. When the check comes at the end of the meal, excuse yourself and go use the men’s room. You should stay in there for roughly 30 minutes. By the time you get back to the table, she should have paid the bill, if she truly is a distinguished lady of proper upbringing. If the bill hasn’t been settled yet, excuse yourself again and retreat back to the mens room for at least another hour. When you come back a second time, the check should have most certainly been paid. Or she has already left the restaurant and stuck you with the bill. You don’t want any part of a woman who would treat you like that. She’s like school in Summertime….No Class.
  5. Ladies love the movies. More specifically, they love romantic comedies. When taking a potential baby mama to a “chick-flick” you should be prepared. You don’t want to fall asleep during the movie and start snoring in the theater. That looks bad to your date, as well as to any other potential sweet mammas you may hope to score some digits from at the snack bar. To stay awake, you might want to do some cocaine. I say you might, because you also might not. If you do choose to use cocaine to stay alert, you should do that in the mens room. No point in sharing lines with this broad if she’s not “The One”. Also, she might be an undercover cop. She looks like one. Did you even ask her? After doing your delicious bumps of booger sugar, you should grab some snacks and head back to your seats. Don’t forget to get your date some tap water. Girls get thirsty, too. During the movie you should be polite, but you should also keep your potential paramour engaged with endless questions about the movie.
  • “Who’s that chick?”
  • “Where did that guy come from?”
  • “Why isn’t anybody punching that dude in the face?’
  • “Is Ryan Gosling hotter than me?”
  • “Who the hell greenlit this movie?”
  • “Can we leave now and get to the sexing?”

Once the movie has ended and you have both gone out to your parents car for the inevitable pants party, you should pay her a compliment. Something nice like, “Wow, you really don’t seem like this much of a slut.” This once again reaffirms her belief that you are indeed a true gentleman.

After dropping her back off at her halfway house, don’t forget to ask her for some gas money.

Your parents will be pissed if you bring their Kia Sportage back with an empty tank, again.

16 responses »

  1. I don’t even know where to begin. Let me just end with…awesome and thought-provoking.

  2. marrymeknot says:

    It’s obvious you were raised by a strong mother. The only boy among all sisters? We can always tell when a man is surrounded by females. Your wife is a very lucky woman. I imagine hearts were breaking all around the world when she nabbed you up…(I know mine is.) Maybe remove the Ryan Gosling question, it’s taking things a little too far.

    • It’s so nice to hear someone else say how lucky my wife is for finding me. It gets old when I keep saying it. At least that’s what she says. To be honest, I’m the lucky one. Oh, I hope she reads this comment. I only added Gosling because I think adding a “Ryan Gosling” tag should increase my views dramatically. Also because he’s soooooo dreamy. Hahaha

      • marrymeknot says:

        Agreed. I actually blogged about Gosling too. Unfortunately, he’s yet to stop by and tell me how funny and good looking I am, and that even though I’m in a relationship maybe I would be down with just a “quickie”…however, it could still happen for you.

  3. Rob says:

    Fireworks and butterfly knives. I miss the days when those were more important than catching a sweet beautiful baby lady.

  4. This is awesome advice, especially if you’re hanging out at the snack bar at Skate World. Chics really dig places that smell like sweaty balls and have shag carpet all over the walls, but not if the sweaty balls are real and the shag carpet is, well…never mind.

  5. […] two episodes of Hoarders. Hey, Bill McMorrow, you’re lucky number one! Why, because of this, this, this and this… Oh, and Bill… Fuck Terry O’Reilly… […]

  6. Elyse says:

    I fear you are my son. I recognize that gas gauge.

  7. Vagina says:

    Basically…Yes! You sure know the ladies. It is a hard job finding the right guy and us “ladies” have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to a guy like you!! So thanks for this…The Vagina would like to Thank you. Vagina’s have a third eye thing, so we are all knowing all seeing beings. It’s true….

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