The Day The Twinkie Died

Holy ham sammidges, have you heard what’s going down at the Twinkie factory? You must have, right?. You obviously have access to the internet, so there’s a good chance you’ve heard about it. If you’re one of the thousands of people in the world who use Facebook, you have definitely heard.

In case you don’t have the internet and are reading this at a later date in printed form, then you have obviously broken into my house and rummaged through my scrapbook. I would ask you to stop what you are doing and try learning a little respect for other people’s privacy. It’s just common courtesy. But you might as well wait until after you finish reading this. Because it’s a good one.

Hostess Brands has declared bankruptcy and are going out of business. What?!?!

That’s right, the makers of such beloved treats as Ding Dongs, Ho Ho‘s, Sno Balls, Hostess Cupcakes, the aforementioned Twinkies and a bunch of other snacks that sound like they might be an insult are closing their doors for good. The angry voice of the people is being heard via social media like never before. There is panic in the street. The Dow Jones Industrial Average has dropped like 3,000 points or something since the news broke, maybe. I don’t know.

People are scared and they are looking for answers. Well I just happen to have the answers, and I will trade them to you for a Twinkie. No, that was just a humor joke. Sometimes I do that to lighten up the mood. It’s okay, pal. We’re going to get through this. There are a lot of other things you could eat. No? You don’t want to eat anything else? Nothing? Really? What’s that? When you were seven years old a bully at school used to take your Twinkie everyday at recess and you swore to yourself that when you were an adult no one would ever stop you from eating Twinkies ever again? Wow, is that true, or are you just telling tall tales? It is?

Listen, I didn’t know about the personal hardship that you endured. It was obviously a trying time for you, and I can understand how easily old wounds can open back up during these kinds of crisises crisiseses crysississ times. But fear not, best friend forever, because I’m here to help. I happen to know how to make Twinkies and I’m going to tell you.

How To Make Twinkies In The Comfort Of Your Own Home

Ingredients:

• Pancakes
• Cool Whip brand whipped topping

Directions:

• Take one pancake and put it on a plate
• Slather the pancake with a generous portion of Cool Whip brand whipped topping
• Roll the pancake up into a Twinkie
• Eat the Twinkie

Repeat as desired

I hope this helps you to cope with the death of your childhood. What? You don’t think it tastes like a Twinkie? At all? How would you know what a Twinkie tastes like? Weren’t you that kid in school that I always stole the Twinkie from at recess?

Because you kind of look like him or her.

Just a lot older.