A Brief And Entirely Inaccurate History Of Thanksgiving

We should do this every year!

Thanksgiving is almost upon us and I’m pretty excited, because it is my favorite of all the holidays. It’s a time to spend with loved ones and reflect on what you have. A time to gorge yourself on turkey and stuffing and pies of various denominations. A time to give thanks, hence the whole Thanks-giving thing. Wordplay really is fun. But sometimes the meaning of the holiday can get lost, what with the ever-increasing need to get the Christmas shopping season under way earlier each year. With that in mind, I have compiled a few Thanksgiving facts that are sure to make you a big hit at the dinner table.

The first Thanksgiving was a celebration between the Pilgrims at Plymouth Colony in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts and the Native Americans who worked at Foxwoods Resort & Casino in Ledyard, Connecticut. The Native Americans were really upset that they had to work on the very first Thanksgiving ever, and one of the Pilgrims playing Pai Gow Poker overheard their distress. So he said, “Aww man, that sucks balls that you have to work today. What time do you get off?” The Native American replied, “In like 3 hours, why?” Then the Pilgrim dude said, “We got one of those Hummer stretch limos outside, we were gonna go pick up some broads and maybe see what’s what. You in?” “Oh, most definitely” the Native American replied, “Can I bring some friends?” “Hell yeah, man, the more the merrier. We’ll meet you guys in front of the Great Cedar Hotel at 8 pm.” The Native American smiled and said, “Awesome! I am almost positive that we are gonna be best friends for life!”

The Pilgrims and Native Americans wound up not being best friends for life.

People think that the first meal was the traditional turkey dinner, but it wasn’t. The first thanksgiving dinner was actually chicken parm with linguine and garlic bread. See, the Pilgrims loved the foods from their native Italy and wanted to share this with their new friends. So they had the limo driver stop at the Olive Garden and they all went in and had a nice meal. The Native Americans were very impressed. Up until that point, the idea of unlimited bread sticks was completely foreign to them… Savages.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is the largest Thanksgiving day parade in the world. It was started by the indigenous Macy tribe of Massapequa, New York to showcase their stunning array of giant colorful balloons that they handcrafted in honor of their gods. Mighty Mouse, Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh, Bart Simpson, etc. The Macy tribe had numerous deities based on their folklore, which was all based on children’s cartoon characters. It was kind of their thing.

Feel free to share this knowledge with your family and friends during the holiday season. Especially the children, because it’s very important that they learn from history or they’ll be doomed to repeat it.