American Idol is a singing competition/television show that airs on the Fox network. You probably already know that, because I consider all of you who read this blog to be pretty savvy individuals. You possess impeccable table manners and an expansive knowledge of important current events. As well as a wide array of useless bar trivia. I wish we were on a bar trivia team together, guys. I think it would be good for our relationship. We could get shirts made up and everything. Okay, I’ll be team captain, calm down.
Anyways back to American Idol. A show that champions itself on finding the best singers in the country, nay, the world. People flock from all over the globe to different designated American cities every year to stand in line all day in hopes of becoming the next big singing sensation. Or the next big viral video sensation. A lot of people go on this show just for the chance to do something stupid and get on tv. Hey, good for them says I. Grab your fifteen minutes, Billy Hung. Some of it makes for an amusing respite from the day-to-day grind of life. “Hahaha, look at this chucklefuck singing the theme song to 9 to 5. His suckiness makes me giggle, and feel better about my more subdued level of suckiness.”
But some of these people can really sing and get a chance to actually chase a dream and make something of themselves. They get a golden ticket, baby…. You’re going to Hollywood! Try to not get stabbed in the face or contract Hepatitis C whilst you’re there. It’s harder than you think. That place is fuckin’ disgusting. The singers go through what’s refered to as Hell Week. They have to learn some songs they might not know that well and maybe not get the 8 hours of beauty sleep that their pediatricians recommend because they have to share their free hotel room with a roommate. Although I bet any Navy Seals who see this laugh their bad-ass badasses off at that nonsense. I’ll show you pussies Hell Week!
The contestants are weaned down. Some get eliminated through horrible singing. Some eliminate themselves through mental fatigue and just quit. Some get eliminated through accidental death at the hands of American Idol producers, a camera crew, a bottle of Oxycontin and an electric cattle prod. It’s called a snuff film…. I made that last one up, I don’t think that has ever really happened. But they probably wouldn’t tell you if it did, so who knows. Mystery unsolved.
When it’s down to 10 people they all get to go on tour for the summer and be rock”ish” stars, and that’s cool. But they also make American Idol Ford commercials and that is totally uncool. Nothing makes me want to buy a Ford less than these commercials. Nothing. That includes O.J Simpsons white Bronco ride and also the fact that Henry Ford himself once called my great-great grandmother a cheap whore. True story. He just walked right into the brothel that she worked at, paid to have sex on her, had sex on her, and then commented on how surprisingly inexpensive the fee was in relation to how good she was at her job of sex taking from random gentlemen. So I guess he called her a cheap whore in a pleasantly factual way, but I’m still pissed off about it. That’s my double great gangy, and I love her!
But here’s the thing. For a show that claims to be about singing, they have a weird way of showing it. Some of the musical guests they have on are just whacktastic, as the kids in 1989 said. They have a litany of lip-synching, auto-tuned, processed, homogenized bullshit. Like this Nicki Minaj fella. Listen, if you like her that’s fine. If you like to turn up the car radio if her song comes on when you’re driving to the mall to stock up on hair scrunchies and body glitter at Hot Topic, good for you. But the thing is, she shouldn’t be on a show about finding the best singer. Period.
She never would have made it to Hollywood.
Let alone survive Hell Week.