Phobias come in all types of scary shapes and creepy sizes. These are a few of my favorites:
Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders. It’s also a movie starring Jeff Daniels. I wasn’t afraid of spiders until I saw that movie. Actually I’m still not really afraid of spiders, I’m just afraid of a whole shitload of spiders all at the same time in the same place, while I’m there too. Although I am scared of radioactive spiders, and that’s Peter Parkers fault. Damn you Spidey.
Acrophobia is the fear of heights. It’s one of the most common fears among men and women, ages born to dead. It’s easy to understand why, too. Although according to statistics that I’m making up for this, 100 percent of people polled, me, say they don’t have a fear of heights, but rather a fear of falling from heights….I hear that, me. Because regular falling sucks bad enough. But now I have to do it from way up there? Booo to that.
Claustrophobia is the fear of small or confined spaces but it should be Closetrophobia. I think claustrophobia should be the fear of Santa Claus, that fat, fake bastard. With his spying and his list making. Checking it once, checking it twice. Check it three times fuckface, see if I care. Sorry, I’m still bitter about that Atari 2600 from 1982. I was really well-behaved that year, I barely even masturbated every day and twice at night, and good ol’ Krispy Kringle pulled a no-show. Jerk. Apparently the fear of Santa Claus is called Santaphobia. But I think that’s just lazy phobia naming and I shan’t recognize it.
Ephebiphobia is a fear of teenagers. I get that. Have you seen teenagers, ever? No matter time nor place, century or continent, teenagers are weird and creepy. With their awkward limbs and faces, braces full of Doritos’ and crystal meth. Voices cracking when they talk because they’re visibly leaking puberty. Hiding their boners behind their Trapper Keeper notebooks. Asking to borrow the car to go to “Youth Group” and then taking that very same car out four wheeling to keg parties in the woods. Keg parties that are overflowing with sluts and drugs.
Afuckinstupidphobia is the fear of going to keg parties in the woods that are overflowing with sluts and drugs.