Man, I wish I had some old shit to sell.

My wife and I were watching Antiques Roadshow: Boston. When the fuck did they come to Boston is what my question is to you? I know I could find out when they came, but I mean in a more philosophical sense like, “Aaawww man, I would have gone to that”. But we didn’t know, so we didn’t go. We so would have though.

So we’ve been trying to figure out what we could bring to the next one. Something old and rare. But alas, I have nothing. Well not “nothing. I do have some pretty nice collectibles that I have accumulated over the past four decades. I just don’t know how worthy they are of the Roadshow.
Maybe you can help me decide.

I have this sweet Mötley Crüe tapestry that I bought in 1985 out of the back of Hit Parader magazine. I bothered my father for weeks until he finally agreed to write a check for $25 so I could score the coolest thing ever made. Unfortunately you can’t buy I sent that check and spent the next four to six weeks yelling at the mailman. “Where’s my shit, Mr. Mailman?” This tapestry is made out of only the finest of poly synthetic fibers. Plus it comes with an attached Theatre Of Pain pin, and the discoloration of decades of various types of smoke, if you catch my drift? Yeah you do, you know. If that tapestry could talk, right? Well it actually did talk to me, thanks to a batch of Orange Sunshine mescaline back in 1987. Surprisingly, it was very well-mannered. It was much better behaved than that Ozzy Osbourne Speak of the Devil black light poster. That poster was a dick. All like, “Look at me, Bill! I’m the Devil!”

I didn’t care for that poster. I mean the poster itself was cool, but it’s attitude left a lot to be desired. But this Mötley Crüe tapestry was always like, “Hey Bill, you partied really good tonight, just like a big boy. We all think you’re wicked cool and almost nobody saw it when you threw up on yourself, and we think that we’re the luckiest tapestry in the world to be able to hang on your Mötley Crüe wall, instead of going to some other kids house, who doesn’t even love Mötley Crüe like you love Mötley Crüe, and is probably just going to hang us up next to a picture of Britny Fox or Winger.” That tapestry had a love affair with run on sentences, and I had a love affair with that tapestry. It is a part of my history, so I would never sell it. But for insurance purposes it’s valued at priceless. No seriously, it would be valued as priceless, but they make you state an actual dollar amount. Fucking bureaucrats! I feel that, at open auction, I would estimate this piece to sell for between twenty-five to fifty thousand dollars.

Give or take the thousand part.

So, what kind of treasures do you have lying around gathering dust?

Yes, it is badass

Yes, it is badass

18 responses »

  1. The Motley Crue is priceless, Bill!! They don’t make tapestries like that anymore!

  2. free penny press says:

    Nothing I have can top the tapestry..that is really a cool collectible.. I do have a waether beaten poster of Mick Jagger showing his pouty lips, riding an inflatable penis.. Think Antiques Roadshow would be interested?

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m not sure if I have any ‘treasures’ lying around, but if I do, I can guarantee you they don’t involve any boys from big hair bands. 😉

  4. twindaddy says:

    I have a rubik’s cube that’s missing some of the colored squares from when I got so pissed off I decided to move the stickers instead of solve the puzzle.

  5. I have an ENTIRE box of mix tapes in my basement. Some of them have, like the coolest names ever that I made up myself, and then some have super lame names because they’re from this dude in college who kind of acted like he wanted to date me and would make me a new tape, like, once a week, but everyone knew he was really gay except him. He was sort of sad all the time and there’s a lot of Morissey on those tapes. Like, way too much. Plus he looked like the lead singer from A Flock of Seagulls and I was never into them at all. I WAS into this guy in college named Al Early who was the lead singer of a local band called Sound Mind. They did an awesome cover of Peace Frog and he was kind of 90s cool and had great hair. He tried to pick me up in a bar one night after the Peace Frog encore but when I wouldn’t sleep with him he pretended like he didn’t even know me in Poli Sci the next day. Anyway, I’m so excited to share my treasures with the world that I’m gonna take a picture of my box of mix tapes and post it on your site tomorrow. Get ready for your traffic to soar when I come back. First I have to floss my teeth, then lock my door on account of all these strangers who are gonna wanna bust it down once the find out about my stash that I’m revealing FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER on your site, and then I have to sleep. You might want to buy some extra server space or get a back-up generator while I’m gone. Just sayin. =)

    • Stacie,
      Your box full of mixtapes are splendid. I’m so glad you brought them into the Roadshow. I was talking to some of my colleagues, and we agree, that if these tape were to go to auction, they would command a price between $1 and $Allthemoneyintheworld. And I’m being conservative.
      Seriously though, good idea not sleeping with Peace Frog cover boy. Because that dude was no Lizard King.

  6. The Cutter says:

    That tapestry is so incredible that now my life feels insignificant knowing that I don’t have one. I mean, that thing just defines what it meant to be a man in the 80’s.

  7. The Hook says:

    I have thousands of comics – and they’re not going anywhere!

  8. josefkul says:

    I came from the badassedness you had left over at Le Clown’s blogosphere and was immediately transferred to this badass post where I was then treated to your even more badass poster. That is the trifecta of badassery! Is it hard being so badass all the time.

    I didn’t have too many collectibles, because my brother and I read and ultimately destroyed all the collectible comics littering the basement of our house growing up. I also had a large Millenium Falcon which my parents have since sold to someone who is now swimming in hundreds of dollars worth of amazing Star Wars collectible memorabilia. I kind of hate myself now.

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