Man, I wish I had some old shit to sell.
My wife and I were watching Antiques Roadshow: Boston. When the fuck did they come to Boston is what my question is to you? I know I could find out when they came, but I mean in a more philosophical sense like, “Aaawww man, I would have gone to that”. But we didn’t know, so we didn’t go. We so would have though.
So we’ve been trying to figure out what we could bring to the next one. Something old and rare. But alas, I have nothing. Well not “nothing. I do have some pretty nice collectibles that I have accumulated over the past four decades. I just don’t know how worthy they are of the Roadshow.
Maybe you can help me decide.
I have this sweet Mötley Crüe tapestry that I bought in 1985 out of the back of Hit Parader magazine. I bothered my father for weeks until he finally agreed to write a check for $25 so I could score the coolest thing ever made. Unfortunately you can’t buy I sent that check and spent the next four to six weeks yelling at the mailman. “Where’s my shit, Mr. Mailman?” This tapestry is made out of only the finest of poly synthetic fibers. Plus it comes with an attached Theatre Of Pain pin, and the discoloration of decades of various types of smoke, if you catch my drift? Yeah you do, you know. If that tapestry could talk, right? Well it actually did talk to me, thanks to a batch of Orange Sunshine mescaline back in 1987. Surprisingly, it was very well-mannered. It was much better behaved than that Ozzy Osbourne Speak of the Devil black light poster. That poster was a dick. All like, “Look at me, Bill! I’m the Devil!”
I didn’t care for that poster. I mean the poster itself was cool, but it’s attitude left a lot to be desired. But this Mötley Crüe tapestry was always like, “Hey Bill, you partied really good tonight, just like a big boy. We all think you’re wicked cool and almost nobody saw it when you threw up on yourself, and we think that we’re the luckiest tapestry in the world to be able to hang on your Mötley Crüe wall, instead of going to some other kids house, who doesn’t even love Mötley Crüe like you love Mötley Crüe, and is probably just going to hang us up next to a picture of Britny Fox or Winger.” That tapestry had a love affair with run on sentences, and I had a love affair with that tapestry. It is a part of my history, so I would never sell it. But for insurance purposes it’s valued at priceless. No seriously, it would be valued as priceless, but they make you state an actual dollar amount. Fucking bureaucrats! I feel that, at open auction, I would estimate this piece to sell for between twenty-five to fifty thousand dollars.
Give or take the thousand part.
So, what kind of treasures do you have lying around gathering dust?