I was on Facebook a couple of weeks ago.
It’s this new website that people go on to remember why they hate other people. I was scrolling through the usual stuff. E-cards detailing how much people like vodka. Memes about how much someone wants to punch someone else in the face. Pictures of abused children that I’m supposed to “like” to prove I don’t like child abuse. You know. Facebook.
I came across a post from Bose stereo about a chance to win a trip to The Sasquatch Festival at The Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Washington. Seriously, they hold a four-day music festival inside the preserved remains of this country’s first president. The man they call the father of our country. Good old Honest Abe.
There’s a chance that The Gorge may be in Quincy, Washington and not George, Washington. Google can’t seem to make up its mind. Silly Google. But it works better for the particular pun that I was trying to do there. Although I guess I could have said that they hold the festival inside the preserved remains of Jack Klugman.
I’m sure most of you got that reference. You’re a smart bunch. I always say that about you guys to myself.
I clicked on the contest link to see if I had to like or share the post in order to enter, because I won’t do that. I don’t want to be your little errand boy, wearing your company name on a sandwich board while tourists throw half-pennies at my face and genitalia, telling me to dance for Daddy. Goddamn tourists and their half-pennies.
But I didn’t have to play the role of Don Draper for them, having to come up with all these fancy ideas to lure the suckers in the doors. Nor did I have to play Joan Harris and fuck some creepy dude just to make partner.
All I had to do was enter some basic information such as, name, address, phone number, email address and favorite sexual position. I was kidding about the last one. I didn’t have to tell them my favorite sexual position, I told them because I wanted to. I feel it’s always a good way to make someone’s acquaintance by trying to sex them up hardcore right off the bat. But I’m old-fashioned like that.
So I entered my information and I moved on with my life.
Cut to last Monday afternoon. I noticed that I had two missed calls from the same number a few minutes apart from each other. They didn’t leave a voicemail, so naturally I assumed it was a bill collector of some sort.
Looking to shake me down for the money Columbia House Records and Tapes says I owe them from 1983. Even though I know for a fact that I checked NO on the selection of the month postcard and sent it back. So I shouldn’t have been charged for that Quarterflash album.
About forty-five minutes later, I got another call from the same number. I was going through the process of googling the number to see who it was when a voicemail popped up. It was from Live Nation Entertainment. They were calling to congratulate me on being the winner of the Sasquatch/Bose VIP Experience contest.
Airfare, hotel, rental car, $500 walking around money, 2 four-day VIP tickets, and we’re going backstage to meet The Lumineers. Pretty sweet deal.
I informed my sweet beautiful baby lady wife Nicole that I was a “Grand Prize Winner”, and we were going away to Washington State for Memorial Day weekend to meet The Lumineers.
She informed me that she wanted to visit Forks, Washington while we’re there. She’s a big Twilight fan, it’s adorable. I’m thinking about asking her to the prom.
I should mention that The Lumineers album has been played in heavy rotation at the McMorrow household for the past year. It has also been in my car stereo that whole time. I don’t mean to brag, but it’s a six CD changer, so I can listen to other things too.
Don’t treat me any differently, I’m just “one of the guys”.
Oh, did I mention that it’s a Bose stereo in my car? I didn’t? Well there you go. Unbelievable, right? We also have a Bose SoundDock and a Bose home theater system.
We earned this.
When I played the voicemail for my wife, she said, ” What are you talking about? It’s obviously a scam. What contest? You should probably call them back and find out, you big beautiful bastard!!”.
Adorable, I tell you.
I heeded my wife’s sage advice and called the number back. Sure as shit, I won the thing. They emailed me a bunch of paperwork to sign and return to them. Which I did promptly. A couple of days later I was contacted by the travel people with arrangements for the trip. We fly out of Logan on Thursday morning, and come back on Tuesday night. Actually 1:35 Wednesday morning.
So many bands to see. Mumford and Sons, Elvis Costello, Primus, Dropkick Murphy’s and more. Plus a lot of independent music that I’ve been trying to listen to in order to figure out who I need to see. The Tallest Man On Earth is one that I’ve just become hooked on. He’s performing on the Sasquatch stage Sunday from 4;20 to 5:20.
It’s written down in the book. We will be there.
There’s also some great comedians that are performing there. Tig Notaro, Mike Birbiglia, Bret Gelman. If there’s one thing you need to know about me, I love to laugh. If there’s two things you need to know about me, then you need to cut the shit and stop being so nosy. I’m a private man. Give me some space.
Anyways, the whole thing is pretty phenomenal. Whatever though, no big deal.
It’s only like I just won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right, but no big whoop.
Any suggestions as to what bands we should check out while we’re there? I’d love to know what you think.
Help a boy (and his girl) out!
Screw you, Bill. I’m from Colorado and can’t get within 50 feet of the Lumineers. The restraining order doesn’t help or anything, but still. What happened to the days when you could just walk up to one of the most popular bands on the planet and ask for a little spare change?
For sure you and your lady love need to pick up some parachute pants, Capezio shoes, and a Member’s Only jacket before you go. You really wanna look the part of hip music couple just passing through George on your way to kill some model-like vampires and everything.
Besides the bands you mention: The Postal Service fo sho, Sigur Ros, but probably only if you’re tripping because otherwise you might fall asleep. Imagine Dragons just came to Red Rocks and the lead singer got on some type of wire and flew all the way down from the top of the amphitheater to the stage. Then he went to Forks and killed some model-like vampires. All before the encore.
Totally cool that you won this, but not as cool as if I had won this. Have fun and don’t let the Lumineers pimp you out when you ask for money. You won the Showcase Showdown after all, and they need to show some respect.
Wow, this was like a blog post in and of itself.
My next order of business is winning an all expenses paid trip to see something at Red Rocks. I’ll give you a call when we get there. We’ll need a chauffer to whisk us about town. I’m sure one of your children would like to earn a little spending money. What’s the driving age out there in the Wild West?
I think we’ll see Imagine Dragons. I’ve heard a couple of their songs and I dig it. The dead vampires is certainly a bonus. Don’t tell my wife I said that, she thinks dead vampires are icky.
Hahaha, because I knew that you would. Are they really that good? I’ve heard a few songs and I think they might be talking (or singing) about me behind my back. I can’t tell. What are they, Icelandic?
I might actually die of jealousy. I’m not kidding. YOU ARE MURDERING ME RIGHT NOW!
This is going to be an EPIC weekend. In addition to who everyone else has pointed out, you should also make sure to check out Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (they are from Seattle so will put on a hella good show), Vampire Weekend, Empire of the Sun, Bloc Party, and the Shout Out Louds. All of that music will put a gigantic smile on your face.
And, for the love of all that is holy, go see Nick Offerman as well as Nancy & Beth. Your entire body will hurt from laughing. I have publicly professed my love for them (http://stuntedadults.com/2013/04/02/an-ode-to-offerman/) and, unlike just about every other such profession I have ever made, I do not regret it. Not at all.
Thanks for the suggestions. I can’t believe I didn’t mention Nick Offerman, as I definitely intend on seeing him. Also I didn’t even realize Nancy & Beth were there. Now I’m more excited than I was before, if that’s even possible.
I am happy for you. I am sad for me, as I now, after reading about all of these bands I have never heard of, feel incredibly old and unhip. (But, but, she splutters, I saw Jane’s Addiction at The World in 1989, before they were anyone–does that count??). Ok, other than Mumford and Sons. I have read Twilight though.
Holy shit Bill! I am SO jealous!! Best concert weekend ever and tickets sell out in a second! You Re gonna have the best time! They’ve created a stir this year w/ several great bands performing at exactly the same time… Monsters for Men, Lumineers, Mumford and Sons (who have come several yes now), Imagine Dragons… Oh oh oh! AMAZING!!and 2 hrs from me, looking trip from vampire land though. Have a wicked good time!!
Thanks! Between all the bands, all the people and all the incredible scenery, it has been an unforgettable experience.
Le Clown enjoys The National?! Knew it wasn’t just your keen sense of smell and enjoyment of TMI which accounts for my love.
Dig The Lumineers. Now I want to know about the experience.
Whoa. I’ve met a winner of a Major Award. Kiss your ring? May I?
I’m feverishly working on writing it all down.
[…] wife and I got back from the all expenses paid trip to the Sasquatch Music Festival at The Gorge Amphitheatre in George, Washington early Wednesday […]
Fantastic – congratulations!! And thank you for all the laughing along the way – cut the shit will get me every time haha. Now I’m gonna go read the tales about y’all being at the festival – hooray!
Thanks! It was a fantastic experience. So much great music and unbelievable scenery. I really need to win a trip to Red Rocks now. Hahaha
Oooh that place is AWESOME! I haven’t seen a show there, but I walked around and marveled at them setting up for the show. Go go go and report back please!