The Twotanic

In happier times…

Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has announced that he is going to build the Titanic 2. It will be an exact replica of the Titanic and will set sail in 2016 along the same route from Southampton, England to New York City. I am personally excited about this because I think it’s awesome when people come up with horrible ideas, and I think this is a pretty great horrible idea.

First off, if you purchase a ticket to sail on the inaugural Titanic 2 cruise, you deserve to die at the bottom of the ocean. That is a fact. How could you spit in Leonardo DeCaprio’s eye like that and expect to live to tell about it? He’s a very powerful man and you will never work in this town again. I think if you want to sail on the Titanic 2 at least you can wait for the return trip, after it has already crossed the Atlantic once.

A little history lesson for those doomed to repeat it…Touted as “unsinkable”, the RMS Titanic launched on April 10th, 1912. It sank on April 15th in the North Atlantic after striking an iceberg that had snuck up on it in the middle of the night when it wasn’t looking. Icebergs are famous for their stealth, that’s why they’re commonly referred to as the ninjas of the sea. Those sneaky bastards.

People were surprised that the mighty ship sunk just 5 days into its maiden voyage. I actually think it’s amazing that it made it that long. The Titanic was fucking huge. I think that might be why they called it that. I can’t believe it didn’t sink as soon as it left the dry dock. Stuff that big shouldn’t float. That’s really pretty incredible.

1,502 of the 2,224 people on board lost their lives in the dark frigid water due to a shortage of lifeboats. Although I only count 1,501 because Billy Zane got what was fucking coming to him. He shouldn’t have treated Jack in such a dickish fashion, and his careless discharging of a firearm while the ship was going down was completely unnecessary and downright dangerous. C’mon Billy Zane!! Rose ain’t worth this bullshit!!

I think if Titanic 2 is really going to happen then they should do it right. They should steer the ship on the same course and find an iceberg and hit it intentionally. Just make sure that there are enough lifeboats this time. Maybe go so far as to bring some extra ones. Some “spare” lifeboats if you will. Imagine the thrill of being on the Titanic (2) and hitting that iceberg, but knowing that your going to get off safely. All the wonderful tweets and Facebook status updates that would come from that? It would be awesome. Hey, life is all about making memories.

That awkward moment when you’re enjoying a mint julep and you hit the iceberg, and you think…Not Again!! JK LOL!!! #nearfarwhereveryouare

Of course if they want to truly recreate the Titanic experience they will have to lock all the poor people downstairs. But it’s all about the authenticity, so I think it’s well worth the loss of life. I wouldn’t want to pay a thousand dollars to go on some recreated doomed death cruise just to see people who didn’t pay as much for a ticket get a chance to survive too. That doesn’t seem fair to me, or to any of the other cultured gentlemen whom I’ve posed this question to. Like my mailman. He was very much against letting poor people survive a recreation of the Titanic sinking. He also had some strong words about letting women have the right to vote. He’s a charmer.

Supposedly, passengers on the Twotanic will be able to rent, or borrow , or steal 1912 era appropriate clothing to wear around the ship. That has to be a strong selling point, because no matter how far we have come in 100 years with technology and fashion, people will always love wearing burlap sacks. That has been proven time and time again by countless studies funded by the Burlap Bag Makers of America, or the BBMA.

Burlap…It’s Timeless®

I think it would make more sense to build another Love Boat. That ship never sank, right? No devious, conniving icebergs to contend with in Puerto Vallarta.

Just that Gopher dude.