Remember Steve Austin?

No, not the wrestler “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. I mean the real Steve Austin. Colonel Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. The six million one dollar bills man. Or the two million three dollar bills man to a crazy man, man. Either way it was an astronomical amount of money back in the days of 35 cent packs of cigarettes, 57 cent gallons of gas, and 2 dollar hookers. Legend has it that the original title of the show was actually “The Three Million Two-Dollar Hooker Man”, but the FCC objected to it because they suck balls.

He was really luckin’ fucky that these neanderthals had the technology and the capabilities to repair him, too. We’re talking about the dark ages when people carried around simple pocket calculators that couldn’t even make phone calls or surf internet porn, and they deciphered the time of day based upon the suns placement in the sky. These cavemen didn’t just fix him either, they made him better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster, harder, girthier. Maybe not harder and girthier….Maybe just harder. But that’s not for me to say. That’s for Farah Fawcett to say, and, well…. you know….

Anyways, My point in this rambling is I don’t believe the Six Million Dollar Man would be nearly as impressive nowadays for the following reasons, which I would like to introduce into evidence as Exhibit A, if it pleases the court….

  1. Six million dollars in 1974 got you a pantload of space-age life saving technology. It got you a new pair of bionic getaway sticks, a super crime fighting bionic arm, and one telescopic bionic eye. Personally I think they should have replaced both of his arms and eyes. I think it makes sense while you’re already in there. Now he’s stuck with one gimp arm? Hopefully it wasn’t his lovemaking arm. Although I would assume that your bionic arm would become your lovemaking arm by default, due to all the sexy vibrating it does. It just seems logical. But I’m not a “licensed” robot doctor, “technically”, so what do I know?…Well I know this. In the year 2012, six million dollars might get your baseball team a decent middle reliever. But that’s six million dollars per year. On a multi-year deal. With a full no-trade clause. Plus he’s got no bionic parts. Unless you consider steroids and HGH “bionic blood”…Which you should.
  2. Steve Austin’s mainframe ran on Windows ’74 or some such ancient operating system. I bet you couldn’t even play Space Invaders on that dude, let alone Skyrim. Which is where it’s at.
  3. I’m sure his bionic parts were insulated with asbestos. He was probably also coated with melamine, lead paint and all that other dangerous shit the most of the world has banned, but China still uses to make candy and baby toys with.

Yaaaaayyyyyy China!

8 responses »

  1. Gillian Colbert says:

    LOVED this! Six Million Dollar Man was one of my absolute favorites growing up. My cousin and I used to play pretend where he was SMDM and I was the Bionic Woman. Can’t you just see a 7 and 9 year old out there mimicking the music and the slow motion!

    • billmcmorrow says:

      We used to play SMDM vs. Bigfoot in the woods behind my house. Oh the fights my brother and I would have over who got to be Steve Austin. Good times. As always, thanks for reading.

  2. clownonfire says:

    You couldn’t even Google with the 1974 Six Million Dollar Man.

  3. sweetmother says:

    Golden, loved. Forget space invaders I don’t think u could’ve played pong with the OS of the old six million dollar dude.

  4. Thank fuck you’re sharing your Oldies but Goodies on FB, otherwise I’d never have seen this one. Steve Austin AND Jamie Sommers together probably wouldn’t have as much capability as my iPod Nano. That makes me sad.

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