Valentines Day

Valentines Day is almost upon us and I don’t give a shit. Hold on America, I’m not anti-love and affection. I’m not against showering a little amour on your special someone. I don’t hate chocolate. Cards can be pleasant sometimes too.

The thing that I can’t stand about Valentines Day is the outrageous fluctuations placed upon the price of roses. See, there’s a scam going on and it needs to be stopped. A dozen roses costs about $12 on any given day. Except Valentines Day week and a half. Then those same roses cost about $50. That is economically unsustainable, as well as pretty fucked up.

During any type of natural disaster, if gas stations jack up the price of fuel they’re accused of price gouging. I consider Valentines Day to be a natural disaster of love, yet no one is concerned with $50 roses?

I know what your thinking, but no, these roses haven’t been dipped in Spanish Fly, Drakkar Noir, or roofie dust to make your lady more susceptible to your wily ways. They also don’t come with a half pint of peppermint schnapps, a pack of Parliaments, and a Boyz II Men Greatest Hits cd/digital download to set the mood either. They’re just the same stupid flowers for four times the price.

And people still buy them. They don’t walk into the florist, order a dozen roses, hear the price and then tell the cashier to go fuck his or her mother and/or father, then storm out whilst knocking shit off racks and such. Or at least most of them don’t. But they should… You should…..America should.

Here’s the thing. My wedding anniversary is February 10th. V-Day is the 14th. They jack up the price of roses about a week or two before Valentines. So I won’t buy my lovely wife Nicole the roses she so rightfully deserves to celebrate another year of her not coming to her senses and kicking me to the curb. Does that make me cheap? Maybe. I like to think it makes me fiscally responsible. Should we get divorced and then remarry at a later date so as not to come in conflict with this horrible scheme that seems to be perfectly legal? Don’t be stupid. Of course we should. But we shan’t.

So I put the challenge to you, dear reader. Are you going to just sit idly by while the flower/romance industry financially finger bangs you? Or are you going to stand up for whats right and say “No,I am not okay with this bullshit” and then break shit and run out of the store with a couple dozen stolen roses?

If you choose the former, I fear for the future of love in America. If you choose the latter, can I buy one of those dozen roses off you for $12? My wife fucking loves them!