The Obligatory Superbowl Blog, AKA, The Obligablog

So if you have a blog, you have to write about the Superbowl. It’s mandatory. That’s what Jeeves said. I asked him. So lest I risk running afoul of both state and federal regulations concerning the world wide interwebs, let this serve to fulfill my obligations.

Superbowl Sunday is exciting for a plethora of reasons. The food, the camaraderie of like minded fans rooting together for a common goal,the name calling and inevitable tears, the drunken debauchery and fistfights. The vomit. With that, some random thoughts on the game.

#1-I think Super Bowl squares suck. I’ve never hit one, ever. I always get horrible numbers like 2-5. Then I spend the game hoping for safeties and missed extra points.I still buy them, but more out of a love for America than out of an expectation of winning.

#2-There shouldn’t be that many people in the booth for the pre-game show. Two guys used to be fine, now they have like twelve guys all pretending to be best friends, cracking up at each others horrible jokes…annoying. And how long does an ex-coach get to be called “Coach”? Is it like an former president who retains the title “Mr. President” for life?
Jimmy Johnson hasn’t coached in the NFL in 13 years, but he’s still Coach? I call bullshit on that. He should be called Jim or Jimmy or Jimmy Johnson or Jimmy John or Mr. Johnson or Mr. J Jimmy J John and sons. Or maybe Grampy. But Coach? Unacceptable.

#3-Who in the fuck is responsible for choosing the halftime performance at these shindigs? Regis Philbin? Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor? Al Queda? How is it so hard to find a relevant artist to perform on the games biggest stage? Ever since the infamous nipple slip in 2004 its been a laundry list of elder statesmen,(excluding last years game with the Black Eyed Peas, who just suck. Seriously they’re like listening to someone read Dr. Seuss through auto tune.) But since that fateful night that Americas delicate moral values were violently raped by a boob popping out on live tv we have had the following…Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty,Bruce Springsteen, The Who( they should really call themselves The Twho now because half of them are dead) And the aforementioned Black Guy Peeing And now Madonna. I really hope she talks in her fake British accent. Now I consider myself a fan of most of these acts. But come on NFL. Kings of Leon, Black Keys, maybe some Florence and The Machine or Mumford and Sons. Let’s update this shit. On a related note I hear next year they’re gonna have Musical Youth playing “Pass The Dutchie”, because they must be close to fifty by now.

#4-I also don’t understand why companies pay millions of dollars for a 30 second commercial during the game when they could just put that commercial on youtube for free. That’s where it’s heading anyway. Why not invest that money back into hiring some people and stimulating this economy? Dinks.

#5- I hope it’s a good game. I hope Gronk is healthy. I hope the Pats win. I hope Belichick/Brady get their fourth ring together. I hope MHK and CLR are looking down on it all, swatting field goals wide left if need be. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Go Pats!