What was that? Do I have any superpowers?
Great question, intrepid reader. You constantly ask the best questions. That’s something I’ve always thought makes you stand out from the crowd. All those other people always ask stupid questions like, “Paper or plastic?”, or “Boxers or briefs?”, or “How do we obtain world peace in an ever increasingly violent global landscape?”.
But not you, you always ask the important questions. The in-depth queries, such as, “Do you have any superpowers?”, or “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”, or “Are you sure you’re going to finish that sandwich?”
To answer your question, no I do not have any superpowers. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t welcome them. I spend a considerable amount of time researching ways to acquire some. Literally minutes a day are spent on Google searches of this very nature. Nothing I have learned from these intense study sessions have led me closer to obtaining superpowers. But I have learned a few things I would like to share.
- I know that Spiderman, or Peter Parker, got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. But I call hogwash on that. I’m almost positive that a bite from a radioactive spider would kill you. Although I’m not a doctor, I’m also not a dentist. But either way, if a radioactively infected arachnid used its mandibles to pierce your epidermis it would most likely lead to anaphylactic shock, increased heart rate, hyperventilation, loss of consciousness, and possibly death. Oh snap! Who may or may not be a doctor and/or a dentist now? Still me? Whatever.
- Batman, or Bruce Wayne, doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a rich dude with expensive toys. He’s a one percenter, and therefore the enemy of the Occupy Gotham movement. Listen, if I had an unlimited influx of cash, I could totally fight crime in a big bad way, too. But instead of spending a million dollars on a utility belt, I need to come up with hundreds of dollars for my utility bills. Electricity, home heating oil, cable, etc. I could use a little help here, Dark Knight.
- Superman, or Clark Kent, gets his powers from the yellow sun of Earth. But he’s also an alien from another planet, and truth be told, I’ve never trusted him. I’m sure he has some ulterior motive to helping people, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I will, and boy when I do, that dude’s gonna get his. I’ve been stockpiling kryptonite for years in the hopes of knocking that guy off his high horse. Don’t worry, his time shall come.
- The Incredible Hulk, or Dr. Bruce Banner, was exposed to gamma rays. When he gets angry, he turns into a big green tough guy with super human strength and a pissy attitude. Once again, nuclear contamination doesn’t seem like a safe and effective way to obtain superpowers to me. Also, I think a lot of his power can be traced back to his easily flustered personality. Maybe if he saw a therapist and tried to work through some of his personal issues he wouldn’t be so quick to enrage. Think about it Mister Doctor Banner. You’ll thank me later. Or rip my head off during one of your classic hissy fits. You’re so predictable.
- No matter how much society tries to convince me it’s true, I will never agree that The Wonder Twins are superheroes. Having the ability to transform into various sized portions of water doesn’t make you a superhero. It just makes you terribly sad, and incredibly well hydrated. And hydration isn’t a superpower, it’s just a very important part of maintaining a healthy body. Deal with it.