Bill McMorrow is a caucasian male who is licensed to drive a car, van, or light truck in and around the state of Massachusetts. He used to have beautiful flowing hair in the style of Nikki Sixx or Crystal Gale. But all good things must pass, and Bill’s hairline was no exception. He’s now known to rock a more sensible ‘do, in the style of a boys regular..He is universally recognized for his ability to know when someone is about to tell a knock-knock joke, and is also known for his steadfast refusal to answer the door.
December 10th, 2010
I was 40 years old in this picture. I age well. It’s genetics.
Bill McMorrow is a 43-year-old happily married orphan currently available for adoption to a loving, stable home. Mother and Father. Two Mommies. Two Daddies. Single Parent. It does not matter. Bill McMorrow doesn’t discriminate like that. Bill McMorrow discriminates based on what TV shows you watch, like a cultured gentleman does.
All that is required is unconditional love, unlimited Crystal Light iced tea, and HBO. You will definitely need to have HBO.
Plus he’ll need some walking around money. You wouldn’t want him getting arrested for vagrancy, would you? That would reflect badly on you as a parent, having your child picked up for vagrancy. People would refer to you as “neglectful”. That looks good on a resume.
You’re also gonna have to pay his mortgage.
Please?
If you feel you meet the criteria, you can contact him at billmcmorrow@yahoo.com. Or if you want to tell him you aren’t capable of adopting him, because you can’t even handle your own shit on a consistent basis, let alone taking on the awesome responsibility of raising a child, that’s cool too. Either way.
Let’s be honest about it. His chances of being adopted at this stage in the game are fuckin’ slim to none. Statistically, an orphan is fifty percent less likely to be adopted after their 40th birthday. That’s a fact.
Bill McMorrow 
Tell Bill he’s been blogrolled.
This is the best thing that ever happened to him, and I know, ’cause he’s me. Thanks COF!
what the fuck is an 8 foota and when are you gonna grow your hair back and be cool again .
Hahaha, fucking 8 footas! I wish the hair could be as long and luscious as it once was, but both age and my wife have conspired against me. I’m still pretty fucking cool though. Just ask me.
Bill,
Are you kicking back in a half-shirt with a bottle of Jager listening to Dokken and reading my entire body of work? You’re AWESOME! Thanks for all the likes!
GG
I did some serious Stacie stalking this evening. I really enjoy your writing my friend. Good stuff. And my first rock concert was Dokken opening up for Judas Priest. 7th row on the floor and Don Dokken sprayed me with a water bottle. I’m not bragging, but I also totally am. I hope it wasn’t pee.
Sent from my iPhone
Blog stalking is OK in my book. Real stalking, not so much, but don’t tell my mom because she’s guilty of both. Thanks for the safe stalking and the awesome compliments. Here’s one you may have missed….
http://geminigirlinarandomworld.com/2012/03/07/666-reasons-to-love-80s-heavy-metal/?preview=true&preview_id=1024&preview_nonce=1eed28fe3e
No, I read that one. And I read it again. Rock on, GG.
It’s not genetics Bill, it’s the magic of redheadedness. People tell me I don’t look a day over 6 months! I am 24!
Did I say genetics? Obviously I meant to say gymnastics. I’m pretty limber for an older boy. Hahaha
Does clarol Red help keep age away too?
Please submit your list of favo(u)rite bands, and we’ll see….
Back then it was all 80’s hair bands. Now it’s more eclectic, and 80’s hair bands. Hahahaha
hmmmm……..if you’re not a Bowie fan, all adoptions off…
I love me some Bowie. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars is one of my all time favorite albums. Yeah, I still call them albums, because I’m adorable. Like any good orphan is.
I still call them albums too – cause I’m 42 and impossibly retro….
Ok – you’re adopted. Gruel at 4AM, clean the house by 8AM, gruel with rancid milk from 8-8:15AM, clean the house again and dinner promptly at 9PM – brussels sprouts with spam. Lights out at 3AM.
Wait, I get seconds on gruel? Sweet deal!
I’m caring that way.
I hope you’ll call me “Mommy” like Dennis Hopper in ‘Blue Velvet’…
I’ll adopt you as long as you mow the lawn, clean the pool, and take out the garbage. Deal?
Thanks for the follow.
As long as my mortgage is paid, and I get some walking around money, that could work. Wait, how big is this lawn you speak of?
Acres. I live on a fancy estate. We can be just like Lady Chatterly’s Lover.
Is that the one where Will Smith fights the aliens? Hahaha
Yup. That is the one.
I get to be Tommy Lee Jones!
[…] Bill McMorrow‘s comedy blog was featured on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed in November. In his own words, Bill is “a caucasian male who is licensed to drive a car, van, or light truck in and around the state of Massachusetts.” In my words, Bill is a hilarious comedian who also seems to know a lot about superheroes. Have a read… […]
Thank you for such wonderfully kind words. I’m blushing. Or it may be the flu. Hahahaha
Hi! I’ve nominated you for the very inspiring blog award ~ it will be published Sat 1/5/2013.
Thanks Denise! That’s mighty kind of you.
‘Tis my pleasure – I so enjoy your writing ~
[…] we definitely did not look like. Except for Bill, who totally looked like that guy in the front, but instead he was chugging Mountain […]
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“About Bill Bill McMorrow” was a very good read and thus I really was really
content to come across the blog. Regards,Jamal
[…] I read Bill McMorrow, I can’t help but recall memories from my past, memories that for whatever reason, are distant […]
Hi Bill.
My name is Kevin Gillespie. I do, MUCH prefer however, to be called Kev. :). I live in Wales. :).
I am now ‘Following’ your Blog. 🙂
Hello Kev, thanks for the follow. It is much appreciated.
One of the best ‘Abouts” it’s been my pleasure to grin at
Thank you very much.
Thanks for following our blog. Great about page, funny, got me to laugh and disrupt the cubical zombies around me.
Thanks, and thanks for for following back. I came here from Le Clowns page. He’s good like that. Hahaha.
Le Clown has that effect eh? Now I’m going to check out Animockery. The blog name alone commands me!
Any time, and Le Clown is certainly good like that, it makes him seem classy.
Until you realize that he roofied the snow-cone machine.
Tell me about it, took me eight weeks to destroy any evidence of what happened that day.
All I can taste is cotton candy and shame.
[…] talking about vagina? I mean, I know she’s extraordinary, but why suddenly all the hoopla? Bill McMorrow “liked” my vagina no less than 34 times. The great Le Clown was even fooled and […]
Fucking awesome! Right, I’m off to get a slab of Kilkenny before I read your entire catalogue, it might take until I’m half way through to catch up to your twisted thinking (maybe then all this stuff will start making sense) but I’m up for it…Respect man REDdog
Thank you very much for the kind fucking words man! I followed you back and shall be perusing your writing very soon. Loved your About page. You sound right up my alley as well. Thanks again!
Awesome! I have Bill McMurray stalking my shit? It doesn’t get much better than that mate. Welcome aboard, and thanks for wasting time at Shed Reflections. Cheers Rd
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