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A lot of retail stores have decided that Christmas shopping is so important that they need to open on Thanksgiving. That’s right. Some are opening at 6PM on Thanksgiving Day.
Fuck them.
Fuck their greed.
Fuck their sales.
Fuck their profit margins.
Fuck their employees.
Oh wait. They are already fucking their employees, so I guess I can skip that step.

When I used to work in retail back in the day, I liked to sing a song in my head as a kind of theme song, you know, to get me through the day. Because everybody needs a theme song sometimes. I don’t care who you are.

Workin’ in retail, what a way to make a livin’

My only holidays, are Easter, Christmas and Thanksgivin’

I know, pretty awesome right. Dolly Parton would later steal that from me, change a few lyrics, and have a hit song and movie with ’9 to 5′. That duplicitous bitch. She took my theme song away from me. Now they want to take one of those three holidays away from America, too? I call bullshit on that.

This is all to help boost Black Friday sales.
You remember Black Friday, right? That’s the holiday that those same retailers made up out of thin air to get people to spend more money?
Why is this okay?
Not only is Thanksgiving its own federally recognized holiday, but I submit to the court that it is also a far superior holiday than your precious Christmas tomfoolery.

Thanksgiving is a time to gather with your loved ones and enjoy yourselves without the pressure of having to max out your credit card to maintain the love. It’s a time to eat too much food and fall asleep on the couch whilst watching football and thinking about more pie. It’s a time to reflect on what you have, and be thankful for it.
It’s not a time to go stand in line and fight strangers for $10 off some piece of shit gift that the recipient probably won’t even like. That’s why they always ask you if you want a gift receipt.
Seriously, how is this acceptable?

I read the comments from a CEO of one of these companies, I don’t recall which one. But he said that the early opening is due to the overwhelming customer demand for it. Fuck those customers.

Listen, the customer is not always right. Have you ever been in a Wal-Mart? Take a look at some of the customers you see there. You’re telling me those people are right all of the time? I would argue that saying that they’re right even a small percentage of the time would be too kind of you. But I’ve always said that kindness is your best asset. Along with that killer smile. What are you? A toothpaste model or something? Well you should be. You could totally pimp some Glisten to the kids.

Thanksgiving Day is about pre-gaming for the big meal by driving around in your fathers Reliant K car with your friends, smoking a bunch of weed and listening to ‘Alice’s Restaurant’ by Arlo Guthrie. You know, if it was still 1988 and you were me. It’s a time to wake up at 6 in the morning, put the turkey in the oven, and then drink Bloody Marys until your face is partially numb. You know, if you’re my wife.

It’s a time to spend with family and friends. It’s better than Christmas with its fictitious fat man and his all-consuming assault of commercialism .
Christmas is about disillusionment, disappointment and debt. Well, I guess it’s not entirely just that. There’s usually some cookies too.

Anyways, I refuse to be a part of your Black Friday/Thanksfornothing Thursday nonsense, corporate America. I’m on to you.

You bunch of dicks

15 responses »

  1. Smaktakula says:

    Bill, you had me at weed smokin’, and you lost me with Arlo Guthrie. Okay, you didn’t really lose me, but lose Arlo, okay?

    I’m also a little disgusted by the number of stores that will be open on Thanksgiving. When I was a kid, you had to make sure you were stocked up on everything before the holiday, ’cause nothing but the 7-11 was open on TG or Christmas.

    I did a few months in the retail pits immediately following college (I would run into some of my professors there, in a perfect storm of humiliation), and it gave me a better appreciation for what retail workers have to put up with. One time, just before he left on some kind of mental leave my supervisor said to me, with absolutely no malice or rancor, “Let’s face it, Smaktakula (and it was weird that he called me that, because I wouldn’t come up with the name until like 15 years after that), a monkey could do your job.”

    Pfft. A high-functioning monkey, maybe.

    • I think it’s shitty to take away Thanksgiving from people. If they really want a few extra shopping hours, they should just fucking open on Christmas. And I’m with you with the with me with the weed. Hahaha

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    As an outside observer, I’ve long been fascinated by American Thanksgiving and the way it plays such an important role as the secular family holiday. Considering what it stands for, Black Friday is a parody of Thanksgiving. It’s like Halloween before All Saints Day or Mardi Gras before Lent, except in reverse. Over the last few years, Black Friday has been creeping into Canadian retail, further evidence that Canada is also becoming a dick country. Happy Thanksgiving, Bill.

    • Thanks Ross. It’s gotten to the point where my wife has to tell me to calm down because I start yelling at Black Friday commercials. Then I yell at her to not tell me to calm down, and I tell her that I’m disappointed that she’s taking Black Fridays side. Why don’t you just marry Black Friday then, if you love it so much?!!! Then we laugh. And by we, I mean me.

  3. PostalJedi says:

    I hate to point out the obvious, But I think you got tag-teamed! Huey Lewis was in cahoots with Dolly, and they both took you down hard. He was takin’ what you were givin’ while you were workin’ for a livin’. I’m sure you are mentioned in the will…..at least you can still watch football-as long as some simple-minded neighbor of yours doesn’t drop a Galaxy III into the egg nog as it is charging and blow out a transformer on a pole.

    Because that’s the way things go these days. I’m behind you all the way. (But at a respectable distance).

    • Thanks for the read Jedi. I couldn’t get mad at Huey Lewis if I tried. We both wanted a new drug, he just sang about it first. Also, I only allow iPhones near my eggnog, like the bible tells me. Hahaha

  4. samara says:

    Oh, Bill, thank you! I read this and my ex just said, “that’s the first time you’ve laughed today.” You. Are. Funny.

    To top it all off, we have the double whammy of Hanukkah and thanksgiving together; spent with my ex husbands family. Any wonder I’m not laughing today?

    But don’t hate on Walmart. I like to combine drinking till my face numbs with shopping at Walmart. So there.

    Happy thanksgiving!

  5. I am working on a very close to identical post. Planned to post later today or tomorrow… I’ll link back to you as well… great minds think alike. Of course, you have the edge with your fucks! For the record, it’s my favorite word, but I use it judiciously knowing my favorite aunt will be reading. ;-) Must be that Boston water, but damn we love our Thanksgiving, and hate bull shit!

    • Thanks Dawn. I’ll go check it out now. Hope your Thanksgiving went well. I told my favorite aunt a long time ago that I swear and she’ll just have to fucking deal with it. Hahaha

      • I told mine the same thing, but she is just toooo nice to assault! I’ll leave the fucks to you, for this one… but I did add a link to your post, at the bottom. ;-) My T-day was great; thanks! Hope yours was as well.

  6. […] The War On Thanksgiving (billmcmorrow.com) […]

  7. There’s something that warms my heart when a special someone maxes out his credit card to show me affection. Or maybe it’s the spicy vegan gravy I made this year. Just kidding. I really don’t cook except at gunpoint but if I did I’d run right down to WalMart and feed all of those sad employees, that is, if I could locate them because when I’m on the hunt for some cheap wine they’re pretty much nowhere to be found.

    • Stacie,
      You can’t find them because they’re all over at the cheap wine section already. I do all of my best cooking at gunpoint as well. I also do all my best eating at knifepoint. But I digest everything better when I’m in a figure four leg lock. Food is so very scary and tiring. Hope you had a wonderful Turkey Day, my funny friend.

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