More powerful than a locomotive? Sure, why not.

What was that? Do I have any superpowers?

Great question, intrepid reader. You constantly ask the best questions. That’s something I’ve always thought makes you stand out from the crowd. All those other people always ask stupid questions like, “Paper or plastic?”, or “Boxers or briefs?”, or “How do we obtain world peace in an ever increasingly violent global landscape?”.

But not you, you always ask the important questions. The in-depth queries, such as, “Do you have any superpowers?”, or “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”, or “Are you sure you’re going to finish that sandwich?”

To answer your question, no I do not have any superpowers. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t welcome them. I spend a considerable amount of time researching ways to acquire some. Literally minutes a day are spent on Google searches of this very nature. Nothing I have learned from these intense study sessions have led me closer to obtaining superpowers. But I have learned a few things I would like to share.

  1. I know that Spiderman, or Peter Parker, got his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider. But I call hogwash on that. I’m almost positive that a bite from a radioactive spider would kill you. Although I’m not a doctor, I’m also not a dentist. But either way, if a radioactively infected arachnid used its mandibles to pierce your epidermis it would most likely lead to anaphylactic shock, increased heart rate, hyperventilation, loss of consciousness, and possibly death. Oh snap! Who may or may not be a doctor and/or a dentist now? Still me? Whatever.
  2. Batman, or Bruce Wayne, doesn’t have any superpowers. He’s just a rich dude with expensive toys. He’s a one percenter, and therefore the enemy of the Occupy Gotham movement. Listen, if I had an unlimited influx of cash, I could totally fight crime in a big bad way, too. But instead of spending a million dollars on a utility belt, I need to come up with hundreds of dollars for my utility bills. Electricity, home heating oil, cable, etc. I could use a little help here, Dark Knight.
  3. Superman, or Clark Kent, gets his powers from the yellow sun of Earth. But he’s also an alien from another planet, and truth be told, I’ve never trusted him. I’m sure he has some ulterior motive to helping people, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I will, and boy when I do, that dude’s gonna get his. I’ve been stockpiling kryptonite for years in the hopes of knocking that guy off his high horse. Don’t worry, his time shall come.
  4. The Incredible Hulk, or Dr. Bruce Banner, was exposed to gamma rays. When he gets angry, he turns into a big green tough guy with super human strength and a pissy attitude. Once again, nuclear contamination doesn’t seem like a safe and effective way to obtain superpowers to me. Also, I think a lot of his power can be traced back to his easily flustered personality. Maybe if he saw a therapist and tried to work through some of his personal issues he wouldn’t be so quick to enrage. Think about it Mister Doctor Banner. You’ll thank me later. Or rip my head off during one of your classic hissy fits. You’re so predictable.
  5. No matter how much society tries to convince me it’s true, I will never agree that The Wonder Twins are superheroes. Having the ability to transform into various sized portions of water doesn’t make you a superhero. It just makes you terribly sad, and incredibly well hydrated. And hydration isn’t a superpower, it’s just a very important part of maintaining a healthy body. Deal with it.

119 responses »

  1. SookyumL says:

    cool blog, pretty funny and informative about heroes.

    http://sookyuml.wordpress.com/

  2. Your post was hilarious. I’ll agree with you that the Wonder Twins are just a liittle too over-hyped. Have you considered becoming Captain America, or maybe Thor? By the way, congrats on being Freshly Pressed

  3. segmation says:

    HI Bill, You are so lucky to have this time to do google searches! Can’t wait to see what you discover next! What do you think it will be?

  4. My favorite superhero–or perhaps he’s more of an antihero–made a deal with an immortal woman and gained the power to control people by looking at them directly in the eye.
    By the way, what about genetically-altered spiders and specially-designed waves that aren’t neccessarily gamma? What do you think of those?

    • I am actually all for nuclear enhanced anything that can bestow powers on me. But I just don’t want to be labeled a performance enhancing drug user. Or maybe I do. What’s the pay rate? Hahaha

  5. TJ Johnston says:

    Explain to me why Aquaman is considered a superhero? OK, he’s an awfully good swimmer, but I’d rather have someone else save the day other than a guy who can TALK TO FISH.

  6. Phil says:

    Gotta comment on Batman being a “rich dude” with “toys”. That’s the movie characterization of him. He’s supposed to be the ultimate detective, a fact that is sadly ignored by the motion pictures. Well, except for the 1989 one… and that didn’t emphasize it much.

    • Truth be told, I’m just jealous of his sweet car.

      • I love it when readers get in my face.

        Why weren’t you all, like, “What’s your damage anyway”?

      • I’m secretly afraid it’s actually Batman. That’s why I complimented his car.

      • DrFrood says:

        What’s your damage, anyway?

        How dare you, sir, how very DARE you seek to poke fun at our planet’s great and noble Batman? He is a superlative detective without peer – including that Sherlock Holmes. In fact, tell that Sherlock from me that he can take his deerstalker and his violin and his just about manageable narcotics consumption and shove them, frankly.

        As for him being a 1%-er, well it’s true that there have been rumours about him not publishing his tax returns, but what’s a 25% tax rebate between friends?

        And he looks AMAZING both in and out of costume – all that working out and beating people up.

        The car gives me a special tingle, too.

        Sincerely yours,

        Robin

        Style of thing.

      • Sherlock Holmes no longer speaks to me since that Christmas party when I kept drunkenly referring to him as Sherman Hemsley. Apparently he is not a fan of The Jeffersons.

  7. Well I feel silly “like” ‘ing your post without commenting, but I don’t have anything to say per say. I really enjoyed reading it! Nice and snarky. I like snarky. Thanks so much for posting it!

  8. perryjamesc says:

    absolutely love this superhero article. Brilliant

  9. Matt_S_Law says:

    There is the Daredevil route. Similar to Spider-Man in that he got his powers from radiation, just avoiding the spider as a delivery method. All he needed was to get hit in the face by a radioactive waste canister. Oh, but you’ll be blind. ummm… I’ll let you weigh the Pros and Cons on that one.

    • The pro would obviously be that I would be one step closer to being Evel Knievel, the con would probably be the whole hit in the face by a radioactive waste canister therefore making me blind. But I do love Evel Knievel. Thanks for checking it out.

  10. Thanks for this post. It really made me laugh.

  11. Bill, I hope you do find your powers someday! Great article, thanks for sharing.

  12. It is a wild dream everybody has inside. Nice post.

  13. Love! Who doesn’t have SuperPowers? I know I just want to be like Harley Quinn(even though she’s just a villain with no powers, but hey! The crazy jokester fits me.)

  14. Great post. I love your humor; you make being a superhero look very, well, non-heroic and fraudulent! Haha. Still, if I could jump around like Spiderman, or have Batman’s cash, that would be awesome. Realistically, though, I just want the power of looking like Cat Woman! :-P

  15. Player #2 says:

    Hahaha great post! I never quite trusted superheroes. If I had them, I would just keep’em a secret so I don’t attract evil geniuses all over to my town, plus I’d get a secret advantage that no one would know about

    • Thanks player, If I did have a superpower I would totally keep it secret, so my foes wouldn’t find out and talk about it at their evil meetings.

      • Bill, Is Player #2 actually kidnapping superheroes and hiding them in his creepy basement?

      • Hahaha, maybe. That sounds like the way to go. Whenever you need something done, just go down to the basement and unshackle the appropriate superhero. Wait, can shackles restrain a superhero? That doesn’t sound very super. Maybe they’re just regular heroes in the basement. That can be fun too.

  16. Elle Kay says:

    i have bullet-proof bracelets like wonder woman! *pow*pow*

  17. dantesboo says:

    funi piece…bt i wudnt dare joke wit superman wen near my lil sis. her 1st crush u c…

  18. hmmm it makes a lot of sense.

  19. brianhickey75 says:

    I have always wondered what you have to do to get freshly pressed.Now that I know, I have a lot of work to do .
    Congratulations on being freshly pressed. Brian

  20. OyiaBrown says:

    Reblogged this on Oyia Brown and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  21. GP says:

    Reblogged this on misentopop and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  22. rebecca93dallman says:

    Well said! Made me laugh.

  23. Superman has a hard time of it, I think. He can’t deduct frequent flyer miles and has no income from his superhero job. But if he itemizes, maybe he can deduct the dry cleaning costs of all his Supersuits. ;-)

  24. so who’s the real superhero? :D

  25. mdprincing says:

    I am a super hero….in my daughters eyes. I haven’t been exposed to any radioactice stuff just little girl love which ironically doesn’t give any super powers, it might make me a little braver if her safety was ever in question but mostly makes me all mushy inside.

    Great stuff, I enjoyed it.

  26. TERRIfic Words says:

    This was too funny. I have to agree that I would never want to obtain powers the way the heros mentioned above did. However, as I kid I used to wish that a radioactive spill when fall on me so I could have same powers as the girl from The Secret World of Alex Mack. I loved how she was able to morph into that silver liquid. Anyone remember that show?

    • I will admit that I had to google Alex Mack. I read about a football player drafted in the first round by the Cleveland Browns in 2009. Then I googled The Secret World of Alex Mack and realized she went undrafted in the NFL. Some superpowers they turned out to be. Hahaha

  27. Katia says:

    Thank you for the crash course. My 3 year old son keeps asking me what are the Hulk’s special powers. I tell him it’s his strength (as in physical prowess) but that sounds so lame I am not even managing to convince myself. Also I think The Hulk would benefit more from anger management than a regular therapist, but that’s arguable.

    • It is arguable, but we all know what happens when Bruce Banner starts arguing. Anger management could help him tremendously. Just think of all the money he could save on buying new outfits all the time if he could just learn to breathe and count to ten. Silly Hulk. Thanks for checking it out, I appreciate it.

  28. Superheroes are the stuff of little boy/girl magic. Just this a.m. I ‘discussed’ spiderman, batman and robin with my 4 year old who then invented another hero who could sling ice rays. LOVED it. At night, he sometimes reaches his arm out, points his little fingers like spiderman and then falls asleep that way. It’s adorable.

  29. shammee says:

    lolz….quite a humor you have there , i know you are talking about superheroes & mutants are not superheroes exactly , but still what would be your take on that ??

  30. pshea93 says:

    you seem to be a pretty big deal

  31. Cracking up! Love it and congrats on FP. Hey between you and I and some of the commenters who clicked the “notify me of follow-up comments via email” box, finally WP is selecting some awesome Freshly Pressed Posts. Afterall, it is what brought me here to your fantastic blog! Mine is still being reviewed….shhh, it must be really good that the backroom WordPress people just don’t know which post of mine to Press. Enough about me….this is about you and really, I enjoyed this post! Congrats again!

    • Thank you very much. I’ve been wondering what it takes to get pressed and when I got the “Congratulation, You’ve Been FP’d” email I was ecstatic. Although I think I’ve written other posts that I feel we’re more deserving, I’ll take it. Hey, the world loves superheroes. getting pressed really blows your stats up something impressive. It’s been non-stop. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  32. vernette says:

    well I loved the post but the comments had me cracking up even more…you are freaking hilarious!

  33. I don’t know…I think I’d rather be a supervillain because then I could have MINIONS! Superheroes just get sidekicks. Not nearly as fun. Sidekicks always want to steal your thunder whereas minions just….well…do their minion thing. I would totally use mine to do the laundry and wash my dishes. Sidekicks don’t do dishes. Anyways, thanks for the laugh!

  34. Haha that made me laugh, i would love to have superpowers so if you ever figure it out let me know ;)

  35. isguardiola says:

    Super power? I really don’t think that you will ever find anything on Google. However, becoming a super hero is quite easy; just go out and help a few people like those in need off food, shelter and so forth There are literally thousands of super heroes out there. Go ahead and join the rank of these earthly super heroes. Great blog; got me thinking about becoming a super hero.

  36. You, Sir, just turned my entire day around. Somehow, reading this post transferred a superpower to me through my keyboard. I now have the astounding ability to type insanely long papers in a single night. I’ll put that to use right away.

  37. allison says:

    Haha! Great post, Bill. Permission to re-post this with links back on my blog, Theblogbabe.com?

  38. Also all of them have a mysterious association with Lightning McQueen and Sir Miles Axelrod.
    I should note (and it may be fairly obvious) that I get all my information about superheroes from three-year-olds.
    Congratulations on the FP!

  39. maidreamsbig says:

    Hi! Really great and funny post. :)) There’s actually a show in Discovery Channel: Stan Lee’s Superhumans. It’s the search for people who actually have superhuman abilities. It might give you ideas on what superpower you might actually have. :) Cheers!

  40. Bill, you are very pop culture witty and I am very impressed. I also very much enjoyed reading not only your blog, but some of your replies to comments of others made. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    PS
    The new face of superman just might be a little too excited that the world needs saving. ;)

  41. vyvacious says:

    I already am a superhero. Batman, duh. How, you might ask, since I’m not a man. Well…I am one of MANkind so let’s just go with that :P

    By the way, I absolutely LOVE your photo of…yourself. But not really because I’m Batman.

    Enjoy your FPed fame :)

    • Hahaha, why thank you Batmanlady. Yeah my Superman pic is pretty phenomenal. Or at least thats what I keep making my wife tell me, over and over. It’s okay, she enjoys it, I also tell her.

      • vyvacious says:

        I feel like a ladyboy from Thailand. Should I be honored because some of them are freaking HAWT!

        I say you two engage in a little role play action. You could use this to your benefit.

  42. yan-yan says:

    Reblogged this on saved nightingale and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  43. My perception of superpower is a skill or set of skills uncommonly available inka given context. In our world context I’d define wisdom, sense of moral and ethics are superpowers :)

    “Moral and ethics can achieve what laws and police can’t, it’s so powerful that the use of force and violence is not required” Confucius.

    That sounds to me like a sage can do more than any superhero, they are outdated as they don’t understand nothing else than the strongest law :P

    Great article, awesome sense of humor
    Thanks for sharing it !!!!!

    • Thank you. Morals and ethics definitely seem like a superpower nowadays. Also, the power of flight is still pretty cool. It’s a good thing Superman doesn’t have to go through TSA before he flies. Nothing would get saved. “Alright sir, please remove your red boots and put them on the x-ray machine”

  44. Ankit Mathur says:

    Hahaha!!!
    What you could actually figure out is that Radioactive matter will always harm us… lol

  45. You got me laughing hard at “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”, or “Are you sure you’re going to finish that sandwich?” – haha! I thought that was hilarious! Congrats on being on FP from one randomer to another :)

  46. sweetmother says:

    i feckin’ loved the wonder twins tho… i mean, who wouldn’t want to be an eagle carrying a feckin’ bucket of water… looool. this is so well deserved, my friend. so well deserved. xoxox, sm

  47. [...] the worlds funny bones faces ass with your provocative and sultry witticisms, (or if you get Freshly Pressed) please feel free to reapply for membership. You will have to pay a small administrative fee, but [...]

  48. [...] To answer your question, no I do not have any superpowers. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t welcome them. I spend a considerable amount of time researching ways to acquire some. Literally minutes a day are spent on Google searches of this very nature. Nothing I have learned from these intense study sessions have led me closer to obtaining…” read more [...]

  49. Love this super hero article.

  50. How did I miss this? Probably because I was glamming up my invisible jet. Ever been to Costco only to find the windex, white vinegar, gorilla glue and ladies XXL polyester undies are all sold out? Yep, that’s me.

    Love this Bill, as always.

  51. Hahaha, Stacie. You didn’t miss it. This is my FP’d post from back in November. In fact, if you look through the comments, you tried to get me to fight someone.

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