The doctor said, “Make sure you keep it elevated”. I said, “Don’t worry Doc, it’s what I fuckin’ do”

Dear Reader,

What’s up my friend? Long time, no blog. Sometimes shit happens. That’s what a bumper sticker told me one time, and bumper stickers don’t lie. Plus I saw it on a t-shirt, so…..
It’s been over two weeks since my last post…Two Weeks! That’s right, there are fourteen day old babies running around the world who don’t even realize billmcmorrow.com exists. That is unacceptable in any language. But since English is my primary and only language, I’ll say it in English. It is unacceptable. Cut the shit stupid, adorable, defenseless babies!
I haven’t written because of a few reasons. I’ve suffered from of lack of writing time due to the fact that I’ve been doing more stand up comedy lately. Which is a blast, but also cuts into precious night-time writing. That blows because stupid work cuts into precious daytime writing. Very little time in betwixt day and night.
Also, I’ve had a hard time coming up with ideas to blog about. Well, not entirely. I have ideas that I have started and stopped. I have like 12 drafts going on simultaneously. Well, you know what William Shakespeare said, “The first fifty blog posts are the easiest, but post fifty-one is gonna be a motherfucker, motherfucker”. Well said Shakespeare, kind of vulgar and prophetic, but well said. I guess that’s why you’re the bard.
On Friday I had surgery to re-attach the left radial nerve in my hand, due to a work injury (bottom photo) This is the first surgery I’ve ever had. I was somewhat apprehensive about it because I watch the news. I know there are unscrupulous doctors are out there hoping to harvest my stem cells to create a race of super babies who have the ability to take over the world. You need to cut the shit as well, stupid, adorable, genetically altered and well armed super babies.
In a defensive countermeasure I had all my stem cells removed and placed in a Zip-Lock bag that I stored in my wife’s pocketbook for safekeeping. I was going to use a Zip-Lock freezer bag, but I usually like to keep my stem cells at a steamy 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Also my wife’s pocketbook isn’t refrigerated. She offered to immediately go shopping for a new one, because she loves me. But in the interest of not going pocketbook shopping, I talked her out of it.
I had the operation at New England Baptist Surgical Center even though I’m not Baptist. Apparently the Baptists are cool with that, I never asked. They didn’t even try to convert me or anything as far as I recall. I was a little doped up. I was hoping for one of those fun gospel sing-a-longs that I’ve seen in the moving pictures and what not, but no dice. That would have been fun. I love when the people faint. It’s my favorite part.
The surgery went well and now it’s just a matter of letting it heal.
And putting all these stem cells back. How do you do that?
Never mind, I’ll ask Jeeves.

14 responses »

  1. free penny press says:

    oww-ee.. damn that looks like it hurts.. really bad.. geez..
    missed ya round here:-)

  2. Wow. That looks seriously nasty. Glad you’re OK and for the record, that’s one of the funniest/hookiest blog titles I’ve read in a long time. Glad you’re still able to perform your, ummmm, duties. =)

  3. Fish Out of Water says:

    You were missed, and you came back with one hell of a post!

  4. Smaktakula says:

    Yikes! Get better soon. I also have attempted to become an ambidextrous lover in case of just such an injury. I also practice with the feet from time to time, ’cause you never know.

  5. Holy shitballs, my stomach just did a loop-de-loop.

  6. bcataldo says:

    If youre still looking for sympathy on this botched suicide attempt ure still not getting it..jees. Whiner. Glad all is ok..and I found the refridgable wallets at Walmart for 49.96 (gotta include the rollback exacts) so tell ur wife its still possible.

  7. That’s nasty and me knowing my Baptists you were absolutely washed in the Blood of the Lamb while you were doped up.

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